Everyday life. How was your day?
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The more time that goes by, the more worthless that I feel. Physically my arm is not in good shape to do work or even the dishes. Mentally I have OCD, ADHD, ODD, Bi-poler, manic, and they all like to feed into each other. I have been off my meds for 8 years now, and at first, I was doing great, but recently it has been hard as hell with other events happening in my life. Emotionally the girl I have been talking to has become distant and keeping to herself; we talk once a week, but it never feels the same. I know she is dealing with stuff also, so I understand that she wants to be distant, but I'm not going to tell her how it's been making me feel because I do not want her to feel worse for it hurting me. I deal with abandonment problems from being in so many shit "relationships" where people use me then toss me aside when they are done with me, so with her being distant, my OCD is f****** with me so bad. I try to keep a positive mindset and get out and do some photography but after a day out, my next day is so shit, thanks to being manic. I've been talking to her for 3 years as a close friend, then it grew and became more than that, and since I do not have an actual family, she is the closest thing I have to one. I am tired of meeting new people just to be tossed aside after her. I don't want to be open to anyone again; she means so much to me; she was there when I lost the last two people in my family that actually mattered to me, and so much more. I pray my OCD is wrong, and I'm just overthinking it too much. We had plans to meet up for the first time; we may live only 3 hours away from each other, but one of us is in The USA and the other in Canada. However, with covid, we could not. I feel like I have noughting going for me besides what could be a happy life with someone, but that's all I ever wanted in life, to be honest. To have the family I never had, it's not that much to ask for. Growing up; I lived with my mom, who abused drugs and sold them and was abusive; and at the time, my dad was not the best father, but he made up for it later as I was a teen after my parents divorced; how he did not get custody, I have no idea. However, my mom denies everything that she did to me as a kid; I wish she would say sorry before it's too late. If things go good with this girl, I will leave my mom behind for her. I pushed myself into hard work and killed my body to the point where it does not work to avoid living with my mom. Anyways I feel useless, Physically broken, mentally a mess, and emotionally defective. I know I'm not that bad on the physical side compared to a lot of people, but me not being able to work makes me feel like shit being in my apartment all day because every time I go outside, I'm just depressed the next day, and I feel it's not worth it. I do have an appointment to see a new therapist, but they can not get me in until December 21st sadly. I try to keep myself in good shape and hygiene even though I keep to myself in my own place, it helps me mentally. I just do not know anymore; I want to end it, but if she is actually just only being distant and not trying to leave me slowly I do not want to hurt her, and even if she does leave me, I know it would still hurt her. I love her, and would never want to hurt her even if she does not love me back anymore. I never want to wish bad on anyone, no matter who they are. Wish onto others what you want them to wish on you. I dunno It's hard to express what I feel, sorry.
Going several decades back, people didn’t know about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Many people who suffered from this condition did not understand what they were going through. Today, over 2.2 million Americans suffer from OCD. This is an anxiety disorder that affects people from all walks of life, including celebrities. OCD is a chronic and long-lasting mental health illness. You are not alone in it there are many celebrities ruling their lives with OCD. I've had OCD since my first memories began (around 4 years old). It was only about four or five years ago that I started trying to fight it. I started by talking about it to my primary care provider. If you can, just make an appointment and see what they say. That's what got the change for me.
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