Depression Understood Forums

First things first- my depression comes out in immense irritability/anger and then guilt/shame after i either do something regrettable or waste a whole day/night dwelling on something stupid. Something I always struggle with is how much of my depression is my fault or actually chemical. Seems to be completely in my head- isn't that the f****** point though??? I feel like a weak person , someone who cant talk themselves out of escalation so therefore i must be weak. Especially because getting upset, being/staying angry, the inevitable outburst, then subsequent guilt is sooooo comforting. It doesnt feel good, but feels "good," you know? I just got an account because im tired of not knowing if other people feel this too. Am i really depressed or am i making this up? Am i just a monster to those i love sometimes? Because i can't get a f****** grip? My internal dialogue is all washed out with "i f****** hate myself you stupid ugly bitch go f****** die i want to die die die" but it doesnt feel real..... Just in that the words are there but i feel so detached from them. So that makes me feel like even more of an imposter. Its this weird middle ground of wanting the excuse of my mental illness but also feeling like that's just what it is-a convenient excuse.

I was diagnosed with depression a few days ago. For years i thought i was just a weak, miserable c***. Until about a week ago when i had serious thoughts of suicide. Everytime i have a dark spell, i have the same feeling. As if these thoughts aren't mine but there is some comfort in wallowing in them. Most days it feels like someone has control of my emotions, and im left wondering if they are going to f*** with me today. Its not an easy thing to do but try and seek help.

Completely. Monday i was a horrid wretched mess at work, yesterday i was on the ground writhing because i couldn't get it together enough to get dressed and come to work. Today im back, but i feel like I'm standing on a wire and anything could tip me over. I was even talking with my therapist last week about how i hadnt been experiencing suicidal ideation in recent months but then a fight I created with my boyfriend sunday/Monday sent me totally spiraling. Im also decreasing my meds and im afraid i actually do need them more than not. IDK. Scary stuff