Living with a partner who doesn't understand mental illness

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AlexisLex
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Oct 25, 2019 12:16 am

Living with a partner who doesn't understand mental illness

Postby AlexisLex » Fri Oct 25, 2019 12:26 am

Okay doesn't understand might not be a fair assessment. He has his own theories and believes the way mental health is diagnosed to be flawed. I get so frustrated when I express what I'm feeling to my spouse and they challenge you and diminish your depression. I have been diagnosed multiple times by various doctors since I was 15. I'm 38 now. My depression doesn't go away. I have good days but the demon in my head is always there waiting for any excuse for me to let them out. When I try to explain things like this to my husband he always responds with a solution. I love that he is driven by solutions and I am glad it works for him, but based on living with him for 8+ years I have not observed any sign of clinical depression in him so he simply doesn't get it. Further, when someone responds to your depression symptoms by trying to solve it like a problem, it feels like he is trying to fix me which in my mind implies there is something wrong with me. I don't know how to deal with this as every time it occurs it turns into a fight.

Lil Welby
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:33 pm

Re: Living with a partner who doesn't understand mental illness

Postby Lil Welby » Fri Oct 25, 2019 5:30 pm

Hey AlexisLex,

I know what you are going through. I've been with my wife for 16 years, and I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 8 years ago. The fact is that there is simply no way for someone who hasn't struggled with mental illness to fully grasp what it feels like. They may think they know, but they don't, and it can be a source of frustration. That's why I find myself on these forums, because I know people on here understand what the struggle is like, they "get" it. It's about finding like minded people, because there isn't any way to get someone else to see what is going on inside your mind, you know?

Spleefy
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: Living with a partner who doesn't understand mental illness

Postby Spleefy » Fri Oct 25, 2019 9:52 pm

Hi AlexisLex,

I can appreciate where you are coming from. I have heard a number of people say something similar in that, “it feels like [they] are trying to fix me”. Perhaps there is another way to see it, such as: we try to "fix" the depression by working on ourselves.

Men and women differ in terms of how they deal with grief, sadness, and problems in life. Generally speaking, women want to talk about their feelings and they will feel better. Guys, on the other hand, seek solutions to get rid of a problem… then they feel better.

This small difference between the genders is a good thing because we balance each other out.

When we grieve or feel normal sadness, talking about our feelings is very important and beneficial. Sometimes we don’t need a solution because the sadness will go away on its own. Other times, we just want to be heard and get stuff off our chest. And it makes all the difference when people listen to us without trying to always rationalize, challenge our thinking, or offer solutions.

I think it’s about trying to find that balance where we have ample opportunity to talk, but also there are times when we need to take action.

Depression is such a complex and sensitive situation that unfortunately won’t go away on its own.

I think of depression as much the same as someone who is an alcoholic or drug addict. What I mean is, when someone is intoxicated with alcohol or drugs, you are not talking to the person but, rather, you are talking to the alcohol or drug. Their thinking and behavior is influenced by the substance. They are not themselves.

It’s very much the same with depression. Depression hijacks our thoughts and zaps our energy and motivation. We are not ourselves under the influence of depression.

This is why it’s exceedingly challenging to help someone with depression, and why people with clinical depression and people without it don’t “get” each other. It’s like they are from completely two different worlds, even if they are living under the same roof.

But it’s not healthy to view it as us (those who have or have had depression) vs. Them (those who have never experienced depression). It’s more about creating awareness and education through open communication, love, patience, understanding, and acceptance. Though, in practice, this isn’t always the case.

Also, people who have not experienced clinical depression can still have much to offer. Because depression has not hijacked their thinking, they may be able to see things in a way that we don't or cannot because of the depression. The worldview of someone with depression is strikingly different to someone without depression. I've lived on both sides, and the way I think now is completely different to my worldview when I had depression.

I’m sure your partner loves you and just wants to help you through this. In many ways, your partner is living the depression with you.

I can understand he wants to fix it, as nobody wants to live with depression. On the other hand, I can understand that you have your own ideas of what support you need or want. So that is where communication and working together as a team is critical.

I’m sure you have, but I’ll ask anyway… have you communicated to him what type of emotional support you need from him?

Do you have a regular therapist? Perhaps he could sit with you on a few sessions. This may give him opportunity to better understand what you are going through. It will also be a good opportunity for him to express his own feelings and how it is affecting him. The therapist may also give you both “homework” and an action plan to work more effectively as a team to help you manage depression.

I hope you can both work it out. Depression puts such a strain on us individually and on our relationships. But keep trying and I’m sure you’ll find a way to work through this together, as a team.

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: Living with a partner who doesn't understand mental illness

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Wed Aug 12, 2020 12:31 pm

Even the closest people in our lives will not fully understand us. I have a mental illness and suffer minor symptoms from time to time. Be focused on the support and convey the message in a subtle way of help and support from the partner.

CamGirl
Posts: 143
Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:04 am

Re: Living with a partner who doesn't understand mental illness

Postby CamGirl » Mon Sep 21, 2020 11:32 pm

When dealing with mental illness, surround yourself with the people who make you want to fight. Otherwise, it could get worse.

cgaze2
Posts: 19
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2016 7:50 pm

Re: Living with a partner who doesn't understand mental illness

Postby cgaze2 » Sun Sep 27, 2020 12:05 pm

I, too, cannot turn to my loved ones.... Do you have a depression toolkit, by chance?? A list of things that work for you when you have the feeling? Maybe that will help some?


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