Having a Meltdown Over Something Dumb: The Sequel

Everyday life. How was your day?

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

Madnessium
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Jul 30, 2019 7:05 pm

Having a Meltdown Over Something Dumb: The Sequel

Postby Madnessium » Sun Sep 29, 2019 7:02 pm

So recently I joined my friend's DnD club- Mostly just because she was in it and we haven't hung out in a while, but also because I figured it could be interesting; I've never played in my life, and have only briefly referenced dnd universe stuff like species and magic systems for my own comic ideas every now and then, and also it seemed like something up my alley and yknow, I wanted to support her club and stuff. On top of all that I do also need to build a stronger armada to combat my particularly bad depressive episodes; which up until school started nearly dominated my free time and were irritatingly debilitating. The extracurricular on my resume wouldn't really be doing me any harm either.
Now with that all said It's time to jump right into the pit of stupidity known as my anxiety being a little screeching asshole again; because even though I logically knew it would probably be fun and a good thing to do I still managed to lose sleep over worrying about everything that could go wrong- more specifically all the ways I have and could f*** up. Because f*** logic and learning amirite, if you're not good at something on the first try you're a f a i l u r e -
Granted, I do have a lot of other unrelated crap stressing me out on the side, so the buildup and combination of all the individual stressors probably contributes to a lot of the anxiety from this smaller thing, but I don't wanna go off on all those tangents so back to the more stupid situation.
I basically avoided going for the first three weeks of school (one week I did actually have too much work to do but I still feel like I kinda also just avoided going) and on the fourth week I finally forced myself to go and it wasn't so bad. I was kind of a third wheel because the only people there were my friend and her girlfriend so yeah a little awkward there, but overall it went kinda okay; I got help with some basics and made a character, all that jazz, had some fun with that, the next week is where shit hit the fan and I kinda wanted to die.
It's not that anything genuinely bad happened, and it was still only us three when we met up again, but holy f*** I was so anxious and I felt like I was an annoying burden for even existing there, and that I was gonna f*** up so badly and screw up everything for everyone, and a variety of other catastrophizing/overgeneralizing symptomatic crap that festered and grew with even the tiniest mistakes or speech failure or whatever the f*** it deemed worthy to torture me about. Like first I forgot my character sheet, so even if what we were doing was just the little practice round of playing to help get adjusted(which was super cool of them honestly) wasn't really important I felt like absolute shit about that, then I made multiple f*** ups with like the dialogue and stuff, I kinda just fantasized briefly about smashing my head through a wall after I had to leave and honestly at the time was kinda surprised they had the patience to deal with me. Looking back I don't think they even noticed i was anxious thankfully, and if they did they didn't mention it; they've been really nice and understanding so far- but I'm still managing to freak out a little and I'm sorta having to resist the instinct to just ditch back to safety and quit, as pathetic as that sounds. I think it's a cool club and I did genuinely have some fun, not gonna lie- it's the reason I'm still there lol. I think I'm just really overwhelmed with everything going on and it's hard to just let loose and have fun, especially at something social like this. And especially when it's with something I'm just starting out in and as of right now really suck at- My perfectionistic tendencies really don't like that.
anywho- the summary I guess is I'm a mess, this is a mess, and I guess I'm just gonna deal with all the messes as best as I can. Thanks to whoever bothered to read this lil venty thing, I hope my dumb situation and minute anguish was entertaining or whatever the f*** lol.

Spleefy
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: Having a Meltdown Over Something Dumb: The Sequel

Postby Spleefy » Mon Sep 30, 2019 4:42 am

We humans have the bizarre knack of making our lives more complicated than it needs to be. It seems we like complicated :lol:

Thanks for sharing.

catch_the_music
Posts: 8
Joined: Fri Jun 30, 2017 10:01 am

Re: Having a Meltdown Over Something Dumb: The Sequel

Postby catch_the_music » Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:39 pm

I think a lot of people beat themselves up like that. I do at times.
Someone once told me to carry a card with the word "stop" on it. Pull it out when you find yourself thinking bad erroneous thoughts about yourself. Remember to "zoom out" from the situation and realize it is not as dire as you thought at first.
I also try to remember what some wise people at church told me - "take every thought captive". Kind of a mental reset button.

Hope that helps!


Return to “Living with Depression and other Related Health Concerns”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 313 guests