Depression Understood Forums

Hi,

I am new to this forum. I am a 46 year old guy and suffering from depressions since I am 13. I have had many times I wished I was dead just to stop the pain during massive depressive episodes. But it was just to stop the pain and when I came out of this episode again I felt better and wanted to do things. But now I recently recovered from and episode but it is like I know things will never change. I tried so many things not to fall back into a depressive episode, but by now I know it is useless it is gonna happen. The best I can do is try to make it less of the suffering. There is nothing I can do. And it is useless to try and do things in between the depressive episode because during an episode I will fall back and lose everything again. This is all because of years of experience. I had many kinds of therapy and medication. But all they achieved was making the suffering a little bit less. After so many years there is finally the realization this is what life is gonna be for me. Very lonely and alone. The only person in the world who did not yet leave me is my wife for 19 years. But I am a huge burden on her. Today we had this huge argument again. And then she might not talk with me for days. My depressions costs me the relationship with my 3 kids. One is not living with us anymore, the second is really problematic herself (she probably got my depression genes) and sort of hates and loves me. Though I know she probably loves me a lot more than she hates me. Still what I feel and see with her is the "hate". Things gets heated between us many times. Our thrid child the youngest she refuse to talk with me for almost 3 years now. And when I say refuse I really mean refuse to say ANY WORD, total silence and she completely ignores me. You see those things havea a huge impact on my relationship with my wife.

Like I said in the past I had plans and ideas after a depressive episode but this time I dont and not because I dont want to but just because I know it is useless. And that is what gives me this feeling now my life is done. There is nothing left to do for me on this earth then wait till I die. I am big coward when it comes to really ending my life. I mean I had times I really wanted it badly and really wished I had the courage to do it. Ok at later times i was happy I didnt do it. it were moments of extreme pain. But now it is not the pain anymore and they are noit moments, It is the continuous feeling that my life is ready, there is nothing more to do here.And I know I will hurt people if I do it so I will not do it. But the idea of having to live the rest of my life in a life I dont want to have anymore is so painful.

Like I said I never had this feeling before. Not this kind of feeling. I wonder if other people have the same experience and if they do or did. What did they do with it. I know I can ask my therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist but they cant help me anymore. I tried any therapy in the book. And I used medication in very high dosages and it did not help, in the end made the situation even worse. The only medication I use now is when I am seriously depressed and just dont want to feel anything anymore. But I would liek to talk with people who experience this same feeling. NOt wanting to live anymore. But not because of the pain you feel which is unbearable. But justthe fact you feel your life is completed and there is absolutely no use in going on with living.

I dont understand it, it makes no sense, but it is a terrible feeling. To exist for no reason other than because, on a daily basis. It hurts like nothing else. Im not sure if this helps, when people say your not alone, it never makes me feel better in the slightest. But your not alone in the way you feel. It doesnt seem fair, "why me" i always ask, what the f*ck did i do. Just wanting someone to understand the purposelessness. I dont have an answer, i just dont understand how in todays world it is possible to feel so isolated. You have people in your life, thats all that matters at the end of the day.

I know it does not make sense to me either. It is not like I am poor or anything. Although I dont work for like 8 years anymore. In my country you still get money every month because I am officially sick (declared by a doctor working for the government, it is a tough procedure and very few people get this payment). The pay I get is less than what I had when I still worked, but it is good. But not being able to work is part of the problem. That is what actually makes me feel so useless. THe last few years I tried many things as a volunteer but it never worked out everytime Mr Depressions reared it's ugly head it all ended. I tried so many different things but it never worked out.

I can try again but why it will fail again and the depressions which follows will only be deeper. I know what you mean when people say you are not alone. It helps a few seconds when you read it and then you realize you are alone. And yes I have my family but I dont think they will really miss me in the end. Not even my wife who I know loves me very much. But I am a huge burden on her too. When you ask her she might say it is not that huge a burden but it is not fun to live with someone who is depressed so much. And even in good times it is not like I am a happy person all of a sudden. That is also a reason it is hard for me to get in contact with other people. Making contact is not the real problem but staying in contact is.

I understand what you say about hte purposelessness. Or the thoughts about what did I do to deserve this. Why me. Though I think it is the problem of today's world we can make contact with all kinds of people all over the world but it is not real live contact. Your words you used helped me a bit. And maybe when you feel bad I can help you with some words. But what i know from own experience what helps the best (still by far not enough but it works very temporary) someone there to be with you sit with you put an arm around you, not saying things just being there. But in times like these no one has really time for that. WHen I was a student I had a roommate she really cared for me, she sat evening and nights with me when I was so depressed and down. Just being there for me. She is still beside my wife my only friend in the world but she lives far away now and she has a family and kids of her own, So all we can do now is call, but hen you hav to talk again so it is different than just sitting together for an hour or two without saying anything just being there.

I would disagree. You say that your wife would not miss you much for long, but in my opinion, I would think that since she's still with you, she would care. If she really considered you a burden, she wouldn't stick around. It's always harder to tell that someone cares for you when you don't care for yourself. I know people that have been left because of their mental or physical problems. They considered them a burden. But in reality, no one can be thought of like that. Not if you truly care. If someone calls you a burden, that's not your problem, it's theirs. If someone calls a chair a pineapple, they're still wrong, even if they convince other people to believe them. Just because someone says something, doesn't make it true -- even if it's yourself.

Many times, when a person mocks or shames another, is because they're hurting. It's like the saying goes, 'hurt people hurt people'. Meaning, bullies tend to be people who are hurting and either want control over something/someone (even if it's a weaker person) or they resent people who are happy and end up taking it out on them. I've had depression, anxiety, and psychosis for many years and I feel alone, helpless, and overall worthless, but I have to remind myself that sometimes the best things in life are the small things or even just a memory.

Anyway, bottom line is, the best thing to do is to keep trying. I know that sounds like bull crap, but if at first you don't succeed try, try again. And just remember, anyone can fight until they collapse, but the champion is the one that gets back up.

(I hope this helped, if only a little. If not, sorry for wasting your time.)

I wish you and your family the best!

- C

Hi apddown,
Have you ever considered going to a nearby church and talking to a pastor? This might sound crazy to you but I have witnessed so many people with depression, feelings of emptiness, fear and anxiety, relieved after talking to a pastor. I hope that you would consider this and it might help you like many people I know. A pastor might help you realize the value of each and everyone as a person and some churches have other volunteers including health professionals, counselors and even psychiatrists who can help you for free, not with a clinical advice but a friendly advice from someone who cares. They might be able to help you. It is worth a shot.

I consider suicide. Every day. I'm just gonna list why.
1. My mom has all sorts of different mental illnesses (Depression, anxiety, ocd, ect) so I live with my grandma.
2. Since she has mental illnesses, she always talks about how depressing her life was/is, and I feel like I'm supposed to be able to say something, comfort her, but I can't. I'm a early teen after all.
3. Accidental pregnancy. Dad was 50. Mom was 26.
4. I have one true friend, and she lives an hour away
5. My dad, he wasn't meant to be a dad. He said it himself when I was two (Got girl pregnant when teen, married before with two other children, I was the last, so, at least 3 older siblings, we think there might be one more, so he'd know)
6. I cut, and it's addicting. It is already to a point of scarring.
7. Internet. Unlimited access. Curiosity. Need I say more?
8. Everyone around me is depressed. It's just hard to be happy.
9. I was hit a lot when I was a 3-5 ish
10. My mom tried to kill herself when I was 7 because she wasn't a good enough mom. If she died of suicide I feel like it would be my fault, and it seems she might be getting to that point.
11. I get angry so easily, I broke part of my couch over damn homework.
12. It would be so easy to end it. I have alone time. A pencil sharpener blade. A wrist. There is also a lot of medicine in the house, and I'm pretty sure a rope. Did I mention the behind my condo?
13. I hate having to explain to people why I live with my grandma. How am I supposed to say it? "My mom is mentally ill, so she is unable to take care of me." Also the "what job does your mom/dad have." kills me every time. They both don't work. It's so embarrassing.
14. I haven't talked with my dad in a year, and all love I had for him is hatred.
15. My dad let a two year court case over guardianship happen, it was supposed to be under a year. I still remember the frustration of having to see so many different people (counselors, people reviewing my living situation, ect), and basically breaking town in tears in front of the judge.
16. I spent all my life around anorexic looking girls until this school year, but it still leaves insecurity (I am what you could call an early bloomer, boobs earlier, curves earlier, ect)
17. My grandma wants me to break the cycle of depression. How can I when I feel so alone?
18. I like girls. A lot. And I'm pretty sure my grandma is homophobic.

I am so sorry you have struggled with depression for so long. I am 48 and have struggled with depression on and off for 20 years. In the past two years I have not suffered at all. I have been on medication, but it took me years to find the right type and dose for me. I also learned through therapy what my triggers are and how to avoid spiraling. For me my depression was very situational. I had to learn what lead to my depression and how to change my thoughts. I would not accept that I have to live like this. There had to be a way to not fall into that deep dark depression. I started to give myself breaks. Find things I enjoy. For me that is playing games, dancing, writing in my journal, walking and listening to music. My family was supportive, but I always felt like a failure, until I changed my thoughts and wasn't as hard on myself. I would look for things I could be grateful for, and focus on them. It could be as simple as hearing a bird chirp or petting my cat. I know how horrible it feels to not want to live and not know why. I would recommend you talk with your doctor if you feel the medication is not working, or not keeping you stable. If you don't think the counseling is helping, maybe you need to look into a different counselor. It takes work and the help of professionals to feel better. It can happen. I will be praying for you. Know you are not alone, we are here for you and care. God Bless.