I'm very sorry for your situation. I remember I time in my life when I felt like I was stuck where you are now. I struggled with anxiety and depression and God knows what else most of my life. I felt like everything was wrong with me and I didn't fit in anywhere. I grew up in the church, but never saw my family or friends living a victorious "Christ like" life or have a "Christ like" attitude. I turned away from the church for many years. Then I ended up in Houston, TX. Being from the far north, the heat was so overwhelming! My first summer experiencing 100+ degree temps felt miserable, not to mention the AC in my car didn't work! When I got home from work I got whatever I could from the freezer-frozen peas, carrots-I didn't care-and put them on my head!The air seemed so awful I think I couldn't breathe for like the first month or so. I did appreciate the sunshine and not having to shovel snow before work just to get out my door
So the apartment complex I lived at was considered one of the worst in the area, but it was all I could afford. I had to move out after I got attacked by some guy there. I went from job to job and never seemed to be able to really get anywhere. I was also in an unhealthy relationship. When I finally reached the end of trying in my own strength I found a church that offered free counseling in my area and finally turned to my faith. I decided I would overcome my fear of Houston traffic and take myself to the largest church in the US. Joel always says give us a year of your life and you'll never be the same. I went to a shelter so I could put in my year instead of going home, got counseling, worked FT, and a year later I was not the same. I am now married to a wonderful man and even started taking some college classes. I was wondering have you found a counselor or tried any meds for the depression? I know how hard it is to try to support yourself, but maybe it would help to have someone to talk to? Have you tried taking any college classes? It was very hard for me to go back to school because I only got my GED and never applied myself in high school (which was 18 yrs ago) so I've only been able to take one or two classes at a time, but it feels good and its a start. I'm a firm believer that we were all given gifts and talents that will open the right doors for us. Maybe a counselor would be able to help you explore that for yourself? I'm going to start selling my baking at the farmers market and see where that goes. I'm glad all those jobs never worked out cause Id be still working for them and using my ideas and recipes for them instead of myself. The right people will come at the right time. I believe the Lord knew my weaknesses and gave me a husband that would be able to compliment me. He gave me counselors, and slowly brought the right friends into my life. No matter what your beliefs there is hope and there is a plan for your future. Sometimes we just need a little help to see that for ourselves. I'm praying for you <3