defective.
Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2018 2:47 pm
For as long as I can remember I have never felt like I was of any consequence to anyone. As I child I always worked as hard as I could to get good grades, be good and practice piano like I was supposed to because I craved that moment where someone would say that I was good enough and worthy of their love. Whether it be because of talent, or intelligence or beauty. And for a minute it would feel like I mattered and that someone cared but it would fade so quickly and leave me feeling completely alone inside. I have always given immensely and cared so deeply about the people I love to the point where I don't think they understand how even the smallest negative thing from them shatters me. I think that's why it hurts even more when I go to the same people and say "I don't know how to be happy" and they either say I'm just "too emotional" or somehow ungrateful for what seems to be the status quo. I have felt alone inside for as long as I can remember and have spent 30 years trying to earn people's love.
I am so tired. I wish I could feel joy. Satisfaction. Content. It has reached a point where I have barely spoken to my husband in a few days because I can't think past how much I wish it could just be over. All I want to say to him is "I'm sorry that you married me. I am sorry that I can't be a good enough wife to you. I am sorry that I am complicated beyond what I can understand. I was just made this way and I can't fix it."
I am so tired of trying and wishing I felt loved or happy or anything. Everyday is a countdown to sleep. When can I just make it stop? I don't have the guts to kill myself. I don't have the means get help but I can't live like this anymore.
I am so tired. I wish I could feel joy. Satisfaction. Content. It has reached a point where I have barely spoken to my husband in a few days because I can't think past how much I wish it could just be over. All I want to say to him is "I'm sorry that you married me. I am sorry that I can't be a good enough wife to you. I am sorry that I am complicated beyond what I can understand. I was just made this way and I can't fix it."
I am so tired of trying and wishing I felt loved or happy or anything. Everyday is a countdown to sleep. When can I just make it stop? I don't have the guts to kill myself. I don't have the means get help but I can't live like this anymore.