Depression Understood Forums

Hi everyone,

I have recently experienced a manic episode a few months ago and was hospitalized. I lost my job because of it and I have been bouncing from job to job because of my illness, not ever being satisfied with what I am doing. I have a degree in history and french and haven't been able to find suitable work other than waitressing. I decided I must go back to school to get a career. I finally decided on going back to school to be a social worker. The issue I have though is, I am a victim to my moods. I am so depressed at the moment and I recently quit my last job as a concierge. I am 27 and have really no real professional work experience. I feel like such a failure. And I have no money at the moment. I have to find a new job soon to pay rent but I just don't want to get out of the bed, ever. I feel so unmotivated, uninspired and uninterested in life. It is the complete opposite of who I am normally. I don't know how long this will last, but I have been isolating myself. I wish there was a place I could go and just be. Depression makes me so lazy, I don't want to see anyone or do anything. It's overwhelming. I don't know how to recover other than give it time. I don't feel like anything helps. I was told it takes 18 months to fully recover after a manic episode. It's like recharging a battery, all my neurotransmitters where used up in the episode. I just want to have a fulfilling career, surrounded by good friends with many interests and hobbies. Right now though, I feel such gloominess. I know staying in bed all day isn't an answer, but it's all I want to do.

Has anyone been so depressed they just gave up on having a job? I am in a circumstance I don't have a choice but to work. And that anxiety drives me crazy. I wish I could heal without having to worry about bills. I don't know, maybe I need to try harder and fake it more. I just am tired of living at this point.

Does anyone have any advice? I greatly appreciate support.

Hello Labellevie

May I know (you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to...) if you have always been this way? How was your childhood and circumstances? Did anything VERY dramatic happened to you that made you this depressed?

I myself grew up in a violent home with a father who was supposed to protect his little daughter, but instead I have gone to bed with a broken lip every night...he abused my mother physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually, everything a woman can be done to and I witnessed it all. The circumstances at home was so bad that the social workers put me and my brother in a foster home for 4 years so that my parents can sort out their divorce and for my mother to start over in a different town. (I am from Paarl, South Africa). When I was grade 6, we got to live with my mother again and go to school in Paarl. (The foster home was in another town nearby)

But when I was in matric (grade 12), I have met a man three years older than me and from the first time I have met him I was smitten with his intelligence, because I grew up without friends always with my nose in books because I was so shy. I am mad for an intelligent guy, I ignored the fact that he was an unattractive wine farmer, but he had a charismatic personality. Needles to say, I have lost my virginity at 17 that year to him. Needles to say if you are such a young lady when it happens to you, you fall in love deeply...he was my very first love.

Unfortunately I was not prepared that he was a certified psychopath (I did not know then), I was told by his desperate and ashamed mother that I was the one causing his problem and violent outburst! I believed everything that I was accused of because I thought less of myself my whole childhood. Off course a shy barely speaking and scared naive 17 year old will NEVER start a fight, especially when I am afraid of him. Oh, I was VERY afraid of him, a psychopath MUST always be right or else there is trouble. He used to throttle me until I am blue in the face, I had to hide my injuries/marks under a high necked shirt or something and my black marks on my arms as well. He even hunted me on his farm with a shotgun. We broke our relationship for a year while he gets therapy, but I was sooooo stupid to take him back and we got married when I was 22. We went to live and work in another town because his father sold the farm as it was time for his father to retire and my ex wanted to do diesel mechanics. We were married for a year (had a 5 year toxic relationship) and one evening he destroyed basically everything in the house and then I have realized he will NEVER change. It was a struggle to get him to divorce, but I did NOT get anything out of this divorce, I had to start over back in my old town.

Needless to say, with a childhood like I had and my experience with a psychopath (you value yourself as you are been told), my self esteem was non-existent! It was so difficult keeping a job myself because I felt stupid and could not concentrate and I felt my bosses and co-workers was conspiring and picking on me. I felt like going back to bed every time the alarm goes off for work....I HATED everything and everybody and even eating....and I was only 24 years young....but I had never ever felt how it is to be confident and pretty and without stress. I still had no friends, I did not know HOW to talk to people....

Eventually I fell in love again a few times in my life, unfortunately always toxic relationships again because I needed to be needed....you can imagine yourself - instead of being with someone who values me and takes care of me, it was the other way around and again I was not taken care of as a woman. It is a loooooong story if you have time and lots of wine

I still don't have much friends at the age of 42, I am not married again and have no children. I am living with my ex fiance, because he can't decide if he wants to marry me or not. Unfortunately I gave up a good job (the first one I have actually like) because he is so jealous and wanted me to come work for him from the rented home we are living in currently. Now because I am on anti-depressants and have a history of permanent depression and anxiety, it is always MY fault when we fight of have a disagreement. I got so tired one day that I have tried to kill myself (Please NEVER do THAT!!! life is too beautiful and you will hurt your family) in front of him - now he has more reason to think I am grazy and that I am the one destroying our relationship....I have had a talk with him and I have explained to him that he treats me like a dirty cloth most of the time that is why I became cold in bed because he does not listen to me and I feel dirty and foreplay for a woman begins in the head - garbage in, garbage out.....the more he blames me for everything, the more I build a wall.

You see Labellevie, I am not a bad person, I have never been into drugs, I don't do sex with every man I meet, I am not white trash, I do not cheat ever on my partner and is most honest and friendly and loving. I just suffer from anxiety and my partners so far does not understand it, WILL NOT understand it and I seem to attract the dangerous, childish ones....I never feel good enough and at my age all the "good men" are married already, it seems.....

I am a psychological mess myself, I am also struggling to get work because the market is flooded with others also looking for work in my field (in South Africa there are not much opportunities for a white person)...and our Government is a corrupted mess (you can look up South African news on the internet).

But back to me....it is very very scary to be in a toxic relationship AND be dependent on your partner and being blamed for it....

It is very scary for me to to back to work after 4 years of staying home doing something else by helping my partner in his graphic design business....I have never had a good self esteem and now I must try to sell myself in interviews all over again. I used to be very attractive and built like a sportswoman (I was a kick-boxer 10 years back) and felt good about my appearance, but NOW at 42 I became overweight from a beautiful 64kg to a 110kg because of STRESS and anxiety (the stress hormone cortisol, makes you fat). When not having friends and a good job and being in a toxic relationship and not meeting other people and just clean up everyday and putting up with your partners moods bla bla bla.....I don't even want to show my face in public.

But just like in YOUR case, I must pick myself up and face the world and be brave and try and try again....WE must!

It helps to take my beloved African Grey parrot outside (I have clipped his wings) into the sun for a bit, because a lack of vitamin D can worsen your depression.....

I am not perfect, I cry everyday, I just hide it from people so that I don't get labelled...I take my pills (against my will, but it helps) every morning and sing a song while doing it....I make a joke out of everything and it becomes easier and funnier and even when I still can't look in the mirror at myself because I am so fat now, I dress neatly and put on a little makeup (just a little) and try to be friendly to everyone and make a point of smiling to strangers, because you do not know how they might suffer themselves....

I would like to know how YOU became so upset and depressed?...will you share it with me?