It's back
Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 1:10 pm
I spent years dealing with depression. That horrible, heavy, can't breathe, can't focus, can't function kind of depression.
I tried the typical depression meds, bipolar, atypical, anxiety, everything they could think of meds. They even tried seizure medicine even though I'm not epileptic. Some of it worked a little. NONE of it worked well.
Idk what happened though. Eventually I started feeling a little better, not quite so heavy. The change was very gradual, almost unnoticeable, but somehow, one day, the depression disappeared. Like it was really gone. I've been almost 3 years depression free. At first I sort of expected it to come back, like I was looking around the corner for the boogie man. It was much like having a bad case of hiccups. When they disappear your body is still tensed, preparing for the next one even though it isn't coming. Eventually I relaxed and began to enjoy my life. Such a relief!
And now, out of nowhere, my old and much unwanted companion, Depression, has returned. I can't say there weren't warnings, there have been days and moments when the old thoughts tried to return. When dark thoughts woulitd be attacking my mind. But I fought those moments off fairly effectively. Now. They won't go away. Now. I'm a prisoner again. Now. I'm struggling to understand what I've done to cause this to return. And what I can do to make it leave.
It's been so long my support system has disintegrated. I no longer have a therapist, my GP has stopped asking questions regarding my mental health, my husband and children have stopped watching me as closely, and of course I'm afraid to ask for help. That's part of the depression, lol. So today I will make an appointment with a therapist, and another with my GP. And somehow I have to be strong enough to admit I need help. I keep telling myself that if I get help now it won't be as difficult of a recovery. Idk. Hope so. And by posting here I've created an area of accountability.
I tried the typical depression meds, bipolar, atypical, anxiety, everything they could think of meds. They even tried seizure medicine even though I'm not epileptic. Some of it worked a little. NONE of it worked well.
Idk what happened though. Eventually I started feeling a little better, not quite so heavy. The change was very gradual, almost unnoticeable, but somehow, one day, the depression disappeared. Like it was really gone. I've been almost 3 years depression free. At first I sort of expected it to come back, like I was looking around the corner for the boogie man. It was much like having a bad case of hiccups. When they disappear your body is still tensed, preparing for the next one even though it isn't coming. Eventually I relaxed and began to enjoy my life. Such a relief!
And now, out of nowhere, my old and much unwanted companion, Depression, has returned. I can't say there weren't warnings, there have been days and moments when the old thoughts tried to return. When dark thoughts woulitd be attacking my mind. But I fought those moments off fairly effectively. Now. They won't go away. Now. I'm a prisoner again. Now. I'm struggling to understand what I've done to cause this to return. And what I can do to make it leave.
It's been so long my support system has disintegrated. I no longer have a therapist, my GP has stopped asking questions regarding my mental health, my husband and children have stopped watching me as closely, and of course I'm afraid to ask for help. That's part of the depression, lol. So today I will make an appointment with a therapist, and another with my GP. And somehow I have to be strong enough to admit I need help. I keep telling myself that if I get help now it won't be as difficult of a recovery. Idk. Hope so. And by posting here I've created an area of accountability.