Depression Understood Forums

I hate food. Not really. Just its feels like the slowest most inefficient way possible to try .. .notice I said, .. try.. to gain energy and nutrients. There are days that I stick something in my mouth and force myself to chew and swallow, wondering how is there any point or energy in this?

And then there is all the perturbations and oddities in intestinal functions that go with it. Personally, it has been my least favorite things right now. I like yogurt, because there are enzymes and very simple biologics that actually think an intestinal home is heaven. I don't have any problem with that.

On top of that there is all this pressure to be lean, slim, fit, healthy, etc. But no two people are alike and all this, can I say, mass produced industrialized food, well,... some people are going to ill on it, some people it will make fat, others are not going to get what they need and be nutritionally deficient, which will effect their mood and mental functioning.

And then there is the total and complete freak out when we sense the killing of a living being in the offering of the food. Not good for some of us. Even my dragon would not eat live insects anymore because he just couldn't bear it.

For some of us, I kind of wonder if the more processed the food, therefore, the more lifeless and unrecognizable the easier it is for some of the more sensitive people to consume it. I know that sounds crazy, but their certainly seems to be an emotional and mental relationship like that with my oldest son and youngest daughter.

I have not really figured out the food thing. The only thing I can actually say is that I know that the process is beneficial for plant life and microbiology of the soils. Therefore, I bravely continue the process. But guys, once you have tasted heavenly radiant energy, not radiation... angelic spiritual energy... given freely at times to me by angels, you wonder what on earth are we doing trying to gain energy from energy cold matter. But, we soldier on, right?

I also have a bad relationshio with food and on top of it, my antidepressants are making me fat. I am in a toxic relationship and the stress is making me fat!

I work out in a gym and tried to ration my food portions and even talked my psyciatrist to give me other similar medications that are "less fattening"....all in vain, because I stress so much and the stress hormone "kortisol" had me from an athletic healthy build person to gain 40 kilograms in 4 years and nothing works...on top of my 4 year old emotionally challenged relationship with a narcistic man, I can't bath or undress infront him anymore because of selfloathing....it is another coffin nail in our relationship and instead of helping me and being more considered, he is only thinking about himself...

I am eating too big a portion as a conselation to my problems but then I feel guilty to the point of want to put my fingers down my throat...but I have read that it will rot your teeth....I don't have money for quick-fix fake diets either...feel like eating NOTHING at all, but my boyfriend will be a bully about that as well.

I feel so worthless as n woman and partner because I can't be the woman he wants me to be anymore because he broke me, then every day he wants to throw me out, but I am currently still dependant on him because he made me resign my job because he was insecure....Now I get reminded every day that I and my pets are a financial burden. But if I grab my car keys and want to go, he grabs it from me and locks me in as well. I don't know if we are still "on" because he can't give me a straight answer...

Now I blame food for making me ugly.

It sounds like everything except food is your problem for making you sick. Believe me, most people in first world countries understand. If it is not food, it's excessive shopping, if it isn't that, it's gambling, etc.

I don't know your situation with your husband, but if he loved you, the person you are inside, your size would not make a difference. Notice that I didn't say weight, because weight is related to density, which may or may not correlate to clothing size.

Your husband enslaved you. I am going to be really blunt, because that is what he did. His own ego and self esteem sounds like it is in the toilet and he is using you, by controlling you, by abusing you to make himself feel better. I've seen this happen to other women.

You are correct to not throw up. Putting in storage plates, bowls and glasses that promote larger than one serving size of something and getting a small set of new dishes that are smaller in size so that bowls only hold one cup, dinner plates are really salad plates, etc will help.

Next, you don't need two control freaks in your life, so if your psychiatrist isn't listening to your needs and won't work with you, get rid of him and find a better one or better still, if you can manage it, get a therapist instead.

Last, but not least, put your resume out there and get another job. Volunteer somewhere in the meantime in a way connected to your field or the job market you want to enter. For one thing, volunteering will also help you connect with people who are more positive toward you that will help offset what is going on at home. And then, open your own bank account, and put 1/3 of your paycheck into it, set up 1/3 for a retirement IRA and finally put the rest of the money into the joint checking or savings account your husband and you have.

Whether you choose to stay with your husband is up to you. Make sure your aren't seeing your husband through glasses that are not yours though. I know that there are a lot of destructive energies out there who just love making people miserable because they are jealous awful beings, whose own souls have been twisted and mangled. Most of us cannot see these energies, but we can feel them. Occasionally, rethink what he actually said and talk it over with a good therapist to see if the message your are receiving is accurate.

Good luck. And remember food isn't your enemy, and you have the ability to take action to get yourself out of the bad situation you are in with the people that are in your life. But it sounds like you need extra help from a therapist at least.