Depression Understood Forums

So last night I was told by someone who claimed they were "trying to be a friend." That I need to "Just cheer up and be grateful for what I have."

Why is it so hard for people to understand that this ISN'T a choice. It's not as if we WANT to feel this way.......I guess on the upside, it was a boost, because I instantly went from feeling despondent to furious.......

The drop once the anger has faded is a rough one however, as I'm pretty sure the ensuing argument just cost me a friendship......Gonna be a long day.

Yeah I know what you mean about the drop.

I've made peace with that by thinking a lot about biology and natural selection.

As you say the person who gave you that advice was: 'someone who claimed they were "trying to be a friend."', which I think everyone on this board knows is different than someone who IS A FRIEND. (I'm feeling a little inspired now to make a thread "How friends act" just to make it easier to tell who is your friend and who is just another random person in your environment.)

In the 70s I took a personality test to help me determine what I wanted my major to be in college. The one question I remember was "Would you like to have a lot of friends, or just a few close friends." I remember being stuck on the question for a minute or so, because I had never considered that there could be a continuum from people I've never seen to close friends.

At close to 60 I realize what hard work it is to keep close friends, much less make new ones. The world has been confusing enough to me that it has become harder and harder to trust someone. I think I could ascribe that to modern American culture. I grew up with the thought "Never trust anyone over 30", which has morphed into "Never Trust anyone who is younger than 45 or older than 75.

When I visited with my father in senior assisted living I got the same feeling from the people I met ... the closer they were to my father's age the less they seemed to trust me, in the same way that we don't let people who are younger than 16 or so drive.

So I don't know that argument really cost you a friendship. What it did is help you define the amount you want to be friends with the person that told you to "Cheer up and count your blessings."

I know that before my son was 16 I used to enumerate our blessings and try to put them in perspective. Of course, the closer he got to adulthood, the harder it was for him to adopt my perspective that things would work out. Similarly, my father and I disagree on "What's Important." We completely disagree on how the future will unfold in the near term, although we do agree that we have both passed the halfway point for the time we can remain on earth. Where youth gave me joy, age has now given me shadenfreude.




Thanks for helping me remember this, and thanks for letting me share it.

And thank you for a different perspective.....I agree with your point about it being difficult to make new friends. I believe it's even harder as an adult, because we are quite set in our ways. I suppose I'm just emotionally exhausted and I have absolutely NO time for people who turn on me because my mental state is inconvenient for them. I'm beginning to isolate myself, and I know that's not a good thing. I'm just so tired of having to explain over and over that I can't just turn this off............

Everything ... even getting older ... becomes harder as you grow older I think. And you are right the reason is because

we are quite set in our ways

It's funny to watch kids at play, they do things that make no sense to us because they've never done them before. For some reason it becomes less acceptable to make mistakes as we get older, or we accept our mistakes as inevitable.

I think the hardest thing about liking myself is deciding what I can and can't change. A lot of this is based on my assumptions about how other people will react. For instance, you know that the person you wrote about can never be a close friend, but they can still be a friend with whom you can greet and to talk with on a superficial level. For me accepting this is like dressing for the weather. I cannot control other people, but accepting my feelings doesn't mean that I can't control HOW I ACT. The hardest part of liking myself is recognizing the golden rule: To treat others how I want to be treated if I were them.

Making a new friend can be as simple as just saying Hi, but you need to do it a lot and that is hard work .

Ks81072 wrote:And thank you for a different perspective.....I agree with your point about it being difficult to make new friends. I believe it's even harder as an adult, because we are quite set in our ways. I suppose I'm just emotionally exhausted and I have absolutely NO time for people who turn on me because my mental state is inconvenient for them. I'm beginning to isolate myself, and I know that's not a good thing. I'm just so tired of having to explain over and over that I can't just turn this off............

Hello

I completely agree that it is difficult to make new friends when we are older. I am glad that the anger has subsided since it can be such a drain in itself. I also find it very difficult not to want to isolate because its easier, no questions asked, no one to judge. But sadly that ends up making things harder in the end. I visit the depression chat room on the site, a lot for the social aspect of being around people that "get it" I hope to push myself out of my comfort zone soon. Do you have any hobbies where maybe you can meet people with common interests and make some acquaintances? I often prefer acquaintances when I feel like this, less to explain and you get to know them to see if its worth truly investing.

*hugs* I hope you feel better soon.

Defeated,

I'm seeing a lot of positivity on this board, and I think you are a big contributor to it.

I love your name ... because it is a misnomer, just like 100footpole.

My name comes from the zen question "Which way do you turn when you're standing on a 100footpole". Similarly your name asks the zen question ... what do you do after you are defeated?

I think a lot of people come here, and then realize which way to turn, or what to do after defeat, but that it is hard to come back and write about it.

Another zen answer ... no action is still an action ...

100footpole wrote:Defeated,

I'm seeing a lot of positivity on this board, and I think you are a big contributor to it.

I love your name ... because it is a misnomer, just like 100footpole.

My name comes from the zen question "Which way do you turn when you're standing on a 100footpole". Similarly your name asks the zen question ... what do you do after you are defeated?

I think a lot of people come here, and then realize which way to turn, or what to do after defeat, but that it is hard to come back and write about it.

Another zen answer ... no action is still an action ...

Aww thank you 100footpole

I like your name too hehe. My name is just how I feel sometimes and I guess. But I'm still here trying my best. I appreciate your posts as well, lots of great advice and different points of view.