Almost at rock bottom
Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2015 4:27 pm
I have lived with depression my entire life and no one around me seems to understand what I live with. Its a mix of social anxiety, fear, feeling alone.
Im in my mid twenties and I struggle every day. It just keeps getting worse.
I try to push myself into activities and keeping myself busy. I try to keep myself busy to stop myself from sleeping all day because I could. I read books I can finish 2-3 books a day because its my escape from my life. I just feel lifeless doing it it all feels so pointless.
I feel like my depression is affecting my relationship and he is aware that I suffer from it. Im scared every day that I will lose him because of it. I feel like when I smile I do it so no one knows what I really am feeling. At one point in my life I spent months in my bed I only left it to eat. My family pushed me away, no one cared, no one asked if I was ok, my mom would just yell at me. No one was ever home and I was living in a town I recently moved to with no friends. I was so alone physically. In my family showing emotions is being weak and I have no control over mine. If im sad ill cry, if im angry and I feel like I cant express that anger I cry.
I feel like im strong on the outside and struggling to breath on the inside.
When ever I do slip and let my emotions show on the outside no one knows what to do, no one knows what to say. It makes me feel even worse, even more like a freak.
My boyfriend (of 4 years) has recently been on afternoons for a little over a month now. I go home and im alone and I work in a highly stressful work environment. When he is gone for long periods of time like this I start to break down on the outside. Hes my best friend and when hes gone I have no one to talk to. Talking to my parents about anything involving emotion is like talking to a wall. I have had so many bad friendships the thought of getting that close to a girl again scares me. I have stayed in friendships with people who didn't treat me the best and stepped on me. I would do anything to have a real friend in my life. I feel like I am a strong individual pushing to get myself out of this, but I need support and I have none. Im beginning to break. I am not thinking of killing myself but all I want to do is run far away where not a single soul could find me. Run and live in my solitude.
Im in my mid twenties and I struggle every day. It just keeps getting worse.
I try to push myself into activities and keeping myself busy. I try to keep myself busy to stop myself from sleeping all day because I could. I read books I can finish 2-3 books a day because its my escape from my life. I just feel lifeless doing it it all feels so pointless.
I feel like my depression is affecting my relationship and he is aware that I suffer from it. Im scared every day that I will lose him because of it. I feel like when I smile I do it so no one knows what I really am feeling. At one point in my life I spent months in my bed I only left it to eat. My family pushed me away, no one cared, no one asked if I was ok, my mom would just yell at me. No one was ever home and I was living in a town I recently moved to with no friends. I was so alone physically. In my family showing emotions is being weak and I have no control over mine. If im sad ill cry, if im angry and I feel like I cant express that anger I cry.
I feel like im strong on the outside and struggling to breath on the inside.
When ever I do slip and let my emotions show on the outside no one knows what to do, no one knows what to say. It makes me feel even worse, even more like a freak.
My boyfriend (of 4 years) has recently been on afternoons for a little over a month now. I go home and im alone and I work in a highly stressful work environment. When he is gone for long periods of time like this I start to break down on the outside. Hes my best friend and when hes gone I have no one to talk to. Talking to my parents about anything involving emotion is like talking to a wall. I have had so many bad friendships the thought of getting that close to a girl again scares me. I have stayed in friendships with people who didn't treat me the best and stepped on me. I would do anything to have a real friend in my life. I feel like I am a strong individual pushing to get myself out of this, but I need support and I have none. Im beginning to break. I am not thinking of killing myself but all I want to do is run far away where not a single soul could find me. Run and live in my solitude.
