Almost at rock bottom

[babyjean]

I have lived with depression my entire life and no one around me seems to understand what I live with. Its a mix of social anxiety, fear, feeling alone.
Im in my mid twenties and I struggle every day. It just keeps getting worse.
I try to push myself into activities and keeping myself busy. I try to keep myself busy to stop myself from sleeping all day because I could. I read books I can finish 2-3 books a day because its my escape from my life. I just feel lifeless doing it it all feels so pointless.
I feel like my depression is affecting my relationship and he is aware that I suffer from it. Im scared every day that I will lose him because of it. I feel like when I smile I do it so no one knows what I really am feeling. At one point in my life I spent months in my bed I only left it to eat. My family pushed me away, no one cared, no one asked if I was ok, my mom would just yell at me. No one was ever home and I was living in a town I recently moved to with no friends. I was so alone physically. In my family showing emotions is being weak and I have no control over mine. If im sad ill cry, if im angry and I feel like I cant express that anger I cry.
I feel like im strong on the outside and struggling to breath on the inside.
When ever I do slip and let my emotions show on the outside no one knows what to do, no one knows what to say. It makes me feel even worse, even more like a freak.
My boyfriend (of 4 years) has recently been on afternoons for a little over a month now. I go home and im alone and I work in a highly stressful work environment. When he is gone for long periods of time like this I start to break down on the outside. Hes my best friend and when hes gone I have no one to talk to. Talking to my parents about anything involving emotion is like talking to a wall. I have had so many bad friendships the thought of getting that close to a girl again scares me. I have stayed in friendships with people who didn't treat me the best and stepped on me. I would do anything to have a real friend in my life. I feel like I am a strong individual pushing to get myself out of this, but I need support and I have none. Im beginning to break. I am not thinking of killing myself but all I want to do is run far away where not a single soul could find me. Run and live in my solitude.

[emily67]

BABYJEAN,

i'm sorry you're suffering so much.

family and depression.. those 2 words don't mix.

explaining to my family about my problems was the worst thing i could have done (since they totally deserted me and refuse to accept what's happened), so i hear you when you say your family push you away. i don't know.... it's hard when you can't even turn to your own family, the very people that are meant to help and be supportive. these feelings are enough without that

i am sure you won't lose your boyfriend. if he loves you, then he'll support you through thick and hin

i think it's great you are trying to do stuff to occupy yourself. it's 1 of the better things you could do

what books do you enjoy reading?. i'm glad that's something you like

what other hobbies do you have?

hope you continue to reach out here... i'm glad you can tell us this

[babyjean]

Thank you emily67 I just joined this website today. But to have someone out there who understands means everything to me.

[emily67]

Thank you emily67 I just joined this website today. But to have someone out there who understands means everything to me.

no problem.

i'm always here if you want to talk

not sure i'll always have the best advice- but sometimes all it takes is for someone to listen

[NickStokes]

Dont be like that. There are good people around you. You just need to find them