Losing best friend

[Adonis]

Recently my best friend seems to be distancing himself from me. I have tried to start a conversation but he usually just gives short answers and goes back to doing whatever he was doing. We still hang out usually about once a week but in public he just seems to uninterested. It's making me really depressed and I feel like I'm going crazy. It's just he was such a great friend before. It mainly started after I recovered somewhat from my depression. I started going to him with personal problems related to my depression disorder in which he helped me tremendously . He helped me out alot and I was really grateful for him. I love him and I really don't want to lose him. I'm losing sleep, can't concentrate in school, and not eating much over it. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I try to approach him about it and he just gets defensive. I think it's literally driving me crazy and it's driving me back into a deep depression, except this time I don't have a best friend to be there for me.
I really don't have any other real friends. Just aquaintances. I sorta tried to start making some new friends but my heart really isn't into it. My mind is just too occupied on being depressed. I always try to keep my mind occupied and it sometimes works for awhile but my mind always goes back to being depressed and how great I felt when my friend would give me a hug or hold me when I was crying or would promise me that he would always be there for me. God it kills me just thinking about it. I asked to see if he would talk to me for 5 minutes the other day and he got really upset at me. He wouldn't talk to me at first and I finally had to tell him this story about how I thought I was going insane the night before. He told me that if I thought I was going insane I should go to the emergency room and that he just wants to worry about himself now. It's really killing me. It's my fault for taking all the comfort he was giving me for granted. Now it's all gone and I can't even get up to go to school. Lots of the teachers just think I'm faking sick so I tend to get on their bad list and I have rehearsals after school that I'm not aloud to go to if I miss school which is bad because I have a huge role and I'm supposed to design the lights for it. I can't take it all I really can't. I don't know what to do

[hey-its-ok]

Hi Adonis, first of all i'd just like to give you a warm welcome on behalf of everyone in this forum.

About your friend, i'm so sorry about what has happened.. i can't tell why he is acting like that, maybe he has his own problems at the moment, but it does seem like he is not going to be (and doesn't intend to be) of much comfort to you. I think you have to try and see how to go on without relying on him. I know its not easy to lose a friend, especially a best friend, but remember that there are lots of people here in this forum that will be here for you too.

Try your best, wake up in the mornings, push yourself to wash up, get dressed, eat your breakfast and go to school, don't stay in bed and skip school. Then after school go for your your rehersal and complete your role well. If your depression remains for too long and gets too bad, you may want to talk to your school counsellor or seek some sort of theraphy, sometimes talking to a therapist helps, or sometimes a bit of medication may help you balance things up a bit. Don't be shy or afraid to seek help.

Keep us updated here as to your progress. We are all here for you. **hugs**

[Adonis]

Thanks hey-its-ok, I really needed some comfort.
I have tried for about of week to get to school and succeeded but the whole day is hell for me. I dread every minute of it until the minute rehearsal is over, but I still can't just be alone then because I have to occupy my mind on homework. I usually do best distracting myself by just surfing the internet and finding something humorous or fun but every day I dread having to go to school the next day, just sitting there having to listen to the teacher, being depressed. I see my friend in my 2nd and 3rd hours but he doesn't really talk to me unless i start talking to him, I think he finds be boring since I'm always depressed. Just seeing him having fun and talking to everybody except me makes it twice as worse. I can't even imagine having to go back to school on tuesday. He's supposed to come over tomorrow but he swears that if I even bring up how I'm feeling he'll just leave. I talked to him yesterday about it and he says he cares about me still and hates to see me sad but he just won't put up with it... Thanks again for the quick reply

[hey-its-ok]

Adonis, i understand how you feel. It seems like you need to shift your focus away and towards someone who is willing to accept your circumstances. I know how it is like... sometimes holding on to a person whose heart is no longer with you is very painful, but letting go is also very painful. If you try and supress your feelings, it will just bottle up inside and may make you worst... i don't know...

I don't see an easy way out of this, it would be nice to have lots of comfort and support from people. One thing that came to my mind was why don't you, when you go home, if you have a good relationship with your mum, go up to her and give her a hug and kiss her and tell her you love her... it may suprise her, but it may also give you a slight lift of your mood, maybe spend a bit of time with her to take your mind off being depressed?

Well this is just a temporary thing, ultimately... you may have to just go through this phase slowly and it may not be easy... I'm sorry i don't have any quick and easy answer out of this for you, but remember our thoughts and prayers are with you...

[Adonis]

Hey, thanks for the reply.
I really am not sure what I'm going to do. The thoughts just go through my head whenever my mind isn't preoccupied and I just start crying. I was so stupid for taking advantage of what he was doing for me. I just wish there was something I could do or say to have him be there for me again. In fact, just knowing he will be there for me seems like it would be enough to bring me out of this depression. He's been distant for a long time now and it's just getting worse. I can't say anything about it to him without him getting angry... I just wish I could have my old friend back.

[hey-its-ok]

You didn't do anything wrong, and you shouldn't feel stupid for approaching him with your problems. He is supposed to be your best friend and he was warm and understanding towards you in the past, so approaching your best friend with your personal problems and hoping to get some sort of comfort and reassurance and support from your best friend is not unreasonable. Don't blame yourself for what happened.

But like it or not, people change, maybe he found it too much to handle after a while... you have to move on Adonis, take it one step at a time, the whole world is still out there for you, maybe go out and try do something you like, something fun, take your mind off this whole thing... as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. It will take time, but i know you will be ok...

[Adonis]

Now that I've thought about it, I think he's seeing a councilor. You see, when he was helping me through my depression, I was really insane, I would be attached to him the first second and yelling at him the next. I don't know, maybe he thinks it will happen again.. but nothing like that has happened in like four months. The other day when he asked to hear my story, I told it and then he said he had to leave. I begged him to stay, I had to force myself to stop crying in order to try and keep him calm enough to stay, but he ended up leaving anyways. He said that I had been manipulating him this whole time, when although I know I was back when my depression was I know I'm not now. He says I'm using him to be happy and that in order for me to be happy he has to be unhappy. I try to tell him that that's beyond false and that he being unhappy kills me beyond words but he doesn't believe me. What can I say? What can I do? I think he and his councilor are working against me. I really can't take this much longer, if my mind isn't on something I'm always crying. I feel like maybe he doesn't understand.. should I try and get him to read this? I don't know.. but I'm desperate to get my friend back. He's supposed to come over later today. What should I say or not say? Should I bring it up at all? Because it's easier said than done to not talk about it. I always try really hard not to say anything but it always ends up slipping out...

[hey-its-ok]

Adonis, i do not know if its a good idea to show him this, if you have explained your story to him and he thinks you are using him, then showing him this may also make him think you are using him. I have more to say, but i'm going to quickly submit this post onto this forum so that you read it before he comes over. then i'lll continue writing slowly...

[hey-its-ok]

Adonis, is it possible that in one of your "yellings" at him you said something that made him feel "enough is enough" and so he decided not to take it anymore? Maybe he is unable to handle it, and as you said, maybe he really thinks it will happen again, or maybe he feels too hurt to try and go near that part of you again, so maybe that is why whenever you bring this subject up he reacts badly... well all these are just "maybes".

You know, talking about your depression to him may be one thing, but yelling at him may be another thing. I'll tell you something about myself, this is true, i have a friend, she doesn't have depression i think, although she is always sad and worries about life and worries about everything. She was in frequent contact with me. There was one point in time a few years ago when all of a sudden she started scolding me and yelling at me and even cursing me, she'd think of the worst things about me, she'd think that every thing i do, i do it with the worst of intentions and she'd think that i have something against her, so it got so bad that she'd be yelling at me almost everyday, but always after a few hours she'd call and make up, and it will repeat again the next day... and it went on for years i think. I am a patient person, and i'd take all her yellings and screamings, but sometimes i'd lecture her back, and sometimes i said "fine, if that's how you feel, you don't have to keep contacting me"... and i tell you, her screams did wear me out... i got so tired of her until i dreaded her phone calls, when she needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, i'd still talk to her and help her through tough times, but i don't make efforts to contact her... she has given me this negative feeling. i get the feeling that she is using me too, in fact, she admits she is using me cos she does sometimes say that she feels better when she is in contact with me, and that is the reason why she is still in contact with me. when she likes to talk she'd call me, but when she wants to scold me, she'd just scold and curse and scream, and she won't talk or call, then when she is feeling better she'd start again. I let her do it, if she needs help i would still help her anyway, but i know she is just using me to feel better. I don't mind being used, i suppose that is what a friend is for really, to give others a shoulder to cry on, to help each other in times of need.

What made me feel that she is using me is that she'd call me up and ask for comfort and support whenever she wants, but when she is upset, she'd just scold me and hang up the phone, so i feel a little bit like her slave or something. I tend to let anyone call me up and "use" me... in a sense, but people often use me with more appreciation and gratitute, and others don't abuse me with screaming and cursing... well i'm tell you my story so that maybe IF my situation is similar to yours, you'd understand your situation better and you'd know how to handle it.

if the topic every arises where he says that you are using him, tell him that you are NOT using him, tell him that because he is your best friend, you just need some comfort, warmth, support and reassurance in your times of need, that's all, and that you really appreciate him very much as your best friend. Try your best not to yell at him.

You must think, Adonis, why did he say that in order for you to be happy he must be unhappy? What caused him to say that? What was he thinking when he said that? When you tell him about your problems and when he comforts you and hugs you, it makes you feel happy, but i'm sure this does not make him feel unhappy, so what is it that makes him feel unhappy? Is he too stressed by your problems and he is unable to handle it? You have to try and figure it out.

It is possible that his councellor may be telling him to avoid you if you make him feel very unhappy or stressed... so you have to see what is it that is making him so unhappy.

Whether you should bring this topic up with him or not depends on whether he is ready to listen to you. You have to go along with your gut feeling, if you think he doesn't want to listen, then maybe its not the right time to bring this up with him, if he wants to listen, you have to be careful what you say...

I've got all my ten fingers and ten toes crossed for you Adonis I hope all goes well tonight with your meeting with him!

[Adonis]

Thanks a bunch for trying to help me this whole time. I really appreciate it.
As for him coming over he canceled... He said he had to go to his Aunts and I guess I believe him, but I don't know. Either way, I'm in for a rough time. I just have to keep my mind occupied I guess.. It always wanders back to it though. I just woke up and I'm alot better when I just wake up because my mind isn't adjusted to what's really going on. I know that in the next couple hours though I'll just start crying as usual. I know it sounds ridiculous. I really just can't take it. Honestly, I've been like this for almost a month and I'm near my breaking point. It's driving me mad. I'm gonna crack sooner or later. A few days ago I broke into hysterics and I thought I was going insane, it was terrifying. I've seen a therapist once so far and feel it really hasn't accomplished much. I just want to die, but.. I guess there's still a little hope that maybe it will get better.. so I stay alive. It's really that hope that keeps me alive, It's all that I have now. I guess I'll just show this to him and hope that maybe things will improve a little. If he gets angry oh well, I can't really get much worse then I am now.

[hey-its-ok]

Hey Adonis, you don't have to keep thanking me for replying to you, my greatest reward would be to see you get out of this in a good, healthy and happy state of mind. oh... i'm getting a migrain now, and my vision is affected, i can't see what i'm typing... i'll write to you tomorrow adonis... i'm going to bed now, good night!

[hey-its-ok]

Adonis, this subject seems to scare him away, and if he continues to react the way you have described him to react whenever you tell him about your problems, then by showing him this:

I know that in the next couple hours though I'll just start crying as usual... .. I'm near my breaking point.... It's driving me mad... I'm gonna crack sooner or later.... A few days ago I broke into hysterics and I thought I was going insane, it was terrifying....

will just scare him away. It doesn't sound like he is going to change back into being that best friend you had a while ago, but i just want to let you know that from your describtion of him, these posts you made may push him away further.

You really have to try and pull yourself out of this slowly without trying to rely on him for support and comfort, otherwise you may just end up constantly depressed waiting for him to "turn around" and it doesn't sound like he is going to do that.

Hey Adonis we are all here for you, you just try and take your mind off him and off being depressed, occupy your mind with something else. The more you hold on to this, the more it will stay with you and keep you depressed. This will take a bit of time, but you have to remember, you said in your posting that "there's still a little hope that maybe it will get better".... hey you are wrong... its not that there is only a "little hope" that it will get better, its a rule in life that it will DEFINATELY get better... i know, it sure doesn't feel like that at the moment, but i gurantee you, when it gets better, you'd look back and laugh and tell yourself "gosh, and i thought it was the end of the world!".

So just work on making it better, if you work on it, it will get better sooner, if you don't, it will STILL get better, but it will just take a bit more time, so you have to start working on it now... go to school, go out, do things, meet friends, pursue something in your life... i know, when you are down, you tend not to have interest in any of these... but try... slowly things will improve, i promise you

[flojo]

So sorry to hear about these troubles with your best friend.

One thought I have is this:
Your friend is only human and perhaps carrying the load of being there for you in your sadness just became too heavy and now he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he feels he's tried everything he can and doesn't know how else to help you.

When I have had similar problems in the past, I found the best solution was to stop trying to figure out what went wrong and just let that person have his space. I realized the best way to help the situation was to focus on me and my happiness, be the person i wanted him to be. Be me, not try to fix anyone or anything except my present moment. Finding something to be happy about, as simple as just loving the sound of birds chirping and feeling the good feeling it gave me.

I am praying it all works out with you and your friend.