I got asked how I'm feeling today [rant enclosed]

[Qualtector]

a friend, somebody I feel close to but don't yet understand how I feel about, asked me how I'm feeling today after I'd kind of snapped at them yesterday. I'd typed all of this as a response before deleting it all from the message to them. It's not their problem, same as it's not yours (anybody who is reading this now) but it needs out so I'm putting it here to maybe never be looked at by anyone.

"bleh, sorry for being moody yesterday. just so low and ended up snapping at everybody, had been a really long day, felt longer because I've not been sleeping. Wish I was still in bed now but got too much to do, always too much to do :/ so tripped up on all these painkillers, and still agony and it's like nobody really understands what it's like because painkillers work for them and they don't live in pain all the time. People expect me to do so much when all I want to do is curl up and hide away wishing I felt nothing ever again, but here I go having a shower and getting dressed to go outside and in to town, getting keys made, buying stuff for the cat and the house, arranging deliveries and going to meetings... taking calls like some kind of answering service, cooking meals when I don't even feel like eating, cleaning up after my roomie who only has ocd for the tiny little mess I end up leaving for 5 minutes but not for the random clothes they've left all over the house trying to find the perfect outfit for filling out job applications on my laptop in my chair that's meant to be cradling my spine not their ass. Can't even get peace and quiet to blare music through my headphones and write without seeming anti-social, or spend money on a new bit of vapor gear to try and treat myself without being asked if I 'needed it'. f*** yes I needed it, it helps keep me sane, and the new ceramic coils I got for it mean I can actually use it for this medical trial I finally got put on to see if it can help with my pain, but somebody feels the need to guilt me about spending money when I need to save up to do that, and to make me feel like a criminal because I turned to medical trial weed oil when there's all those other painkillers and treatments out there, not to mention natural remedies, and the osteopathic stuff is meant to help but nooo, the osteopathic treatment was ruined because I've not had more than 5 minutes sitting on my ass to let my body try to relax and try to heal because somebody needed me to travel all the way to stirling on a train where there were no seats and I had to stand for half an hour then get a bus after walking up 4 flights of stairs to get out the station because they needed to pick up their passport and birth registration certificates from their parents house so they could use them at an interview, even though their parents aren't home and are at the other end of the country, only to have more stairs and no chance to sit for 3 hours while they looked for that stuff, then another 4 flights of stairs back in to the station to another overcrowded train where there was nowhere to sit and I got stuck in a crowd of strangers unable to really breathe in a panic because I'm borderline agoraphobic convinced that I'll get hurt, or bump into people who have harmed me in the past, or I'll touch something I'm allergic to and have a serious reaction, or get run over, or a multitude of other things that could go wrong will go wrong. Let's face it, I'm unlucky in life and may aswell give up on trying but I'm a stubborn idiot who keeps clinging to straws of hope and the stupid idea of silver linings.

I just... want to give up..."

[100footpole]

God its good to put that stuff somewhere, so you can come back and know things changed. Keep venting ... and post here when you find that lining too.

[NickStokes]

Hang in there!

[CitM]

LOLOLOL Not at your pain but at your response. So familiar to my earlier experiences.

When I was a little girl, and then a teen, and even into my 20s, my mother would ask how I was feeling and so I could tell her in detail how I was feeling. My mom is awesome like that. The only other people who ever asked that question of me that I recall were doctors. So of course, when answering that for the first few years in the general public without my parents standing their to keep my responses in check, I would answer the question in full. LOL

Finally my mother told me what the social norm was. "Fine." She explained to me that it really wasn't a question, it was a cultural greeting, that expected a response, but not an answer. Cultural vocalizations are strange that way. There are so many of them. Each region of the country and different countries have their own too. Kind of makes that part fascinating in really trying to learn a language that isn't logical but societal.