Depression Understood Forums

Less than a year ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Beyond that, I was self destructing massively. I was doing drugs, and stealing to make money for them. I was in a bad financial position to begin with, and as a result I have just started my probation for two years and a curfew. I sold my laptop (I now use my mother's), all of my video games, multiple phones, a customized ukulele given to me by my father, and damn near everything. I live with my mother, who has no idea I was doing drugs but knows about many other things. One month ago, everything became too much for me, and I attempted to kill myself with an overdose of my amitryptaline. I was hospitalized until the next day when I woke up, and couldn't talk or walk around or do much for the next two. Since then I have been 'off'. I have been doing drugs, and returned to self mutilation, and I can't seem to stop. My girlfriend - to clarify, I am female as well - has threatened to leave me if I don't stop, and we have been fighting all the time because of it. I can't see her at night and have no way of talking to her, so night time is very difficult. She has BPD as well. Everything seems to be a disaster and I can't keep track of time or my actions, I have ruined family relationships and my closest friendships. I started biweekly treatment since being in the hospital, and I felt great after seeing my social worker, but by the end of the day everything is back to the way it was - fighting with everyone, drugged out, and not knowing what I've done. I have lost everyone's trust, and no one has any expectations of me anymore, and that only makes me mess up more. I need help and I don't know what to do. I am scared. I don't want to lose the people who mean the most to me. I only really have my girlfriend and my mother left, and I don't know how to keep a balance and get better while still being out in the world. My girlfriend and I have the same circle of friends and, well, for obvious reasons I can't exactly be out around them while I'm going through this. I don't know if I want advice or just to vent, but I am stuck.