Where do I even start?

[Curt]

Like many, this is something I've never done before but I'm at my lowest point right now and am feeling such a wave of self loathing, guilt, and shame about it that I felt the need to get things out even if I'm taking the cowardly route of doing it on an online forum anonymously. First some background...

I'm Bipolar and have treating it medically with Depakote for about 15 years.

I also have ADHD for which I'm treating with Adderall.

I've struggled with a nearly crippling nail biting habit all of my life. One that I now see manifesting itself in my children.

I'm 43 years old, have been married for 17 years to a woman I don't deserve who has given me two beautiful children ages; a daughter (age 9) and a son (age 10).

As a result of all the mental illness in my family (mostly my mom's side), I'm estranged from nearly all of my family. This includes my mother. My father died of cancer a little over 20 years ago.

My childhood was marred by my parents who never got along and fought so regularly that it has rendered me mute to respond in a conflict with my wife in my marriage. This issue has led us to marriage counseling on multiple occasions and met with limited success.

My childhood and life has also been affected by an incident that occurred when I was 13 years old. My parents were not home one night and left me and my 3 sisters (2 younger and 1 older) alone. During this time five men broke into our house, held me at gunpoint, and made me listen while they pistol whipped and raped my older sister.

Those are the key elements of my background. Those more I could say but in the interest of time I will move forward to the present...

Like many, my struggle with depression has had its share of peaks and valleys, however, this feels to be the lowest point I've ever felt in my life.

My wife and I are trying to hold our marriage together after 17 years but it's barely hanging on. Over the past year I've become more or less an emotional void. I don't even attempt to connect emotionally with her anymore. I don't feel passion for her much anymore but simply live her as a partner and the mother of my children.

During this past year I've also seen my career (18+ years at the same company) take a turn for the worse. I went from getting regularly promoted to having my performance questioned, underperforming on projects, and having it exposed before all of my colleagues. It has been a devastating blow to my ego. It all accumulated on Friday with the VP telling me that I need to decide what I'm going to do because I will soon be placed on a performance program that will soon have me out of a job. What makes things worse is that I'm very well paid with excellent benefits. It will be a devastating financial blow to our family. I could never hope to get that kind of salary again.

Now the horrible confession...

Over the last 5 years in my current role I've spent a considerable amount of time on the road traveling. During the course of these travels I've sometimes found myself in such a state of self loathing and hate that I've committed adulterous and self destructive behavior by having sex with men via Craigslist want ads. I've cheated on my wife and thus sinned against God. Despite the guilt I always feel afterwards I find myself continually doing it.

I want to confess what I've done to her but am such a coward as I fear the ostracism that would come from family, friends, and others if this we're exposed.

This makes me not only a coward but a selfish one at that. My actions to seek some sort of cheap pleasure hurt my wife and kids and now my selfishness keeps me from confessing.

I thus want to take the cowards way out and take my own life rather than continue to put my wife through more misery and shame to my kids.

So much more I could still write and say but this is the main thing I've never told anyone about. I don't expect sympathy from anyone as I don't deserve it. I just feel so hopeless right now as I feel God gave me is many chances to redeem myself yet I basically took him for granted and in fact spit back at him by breaking his commandments.

I am reaping everything that I've sown.

If you actually took the time to read all of this then I say thank you. If. You should take the time to reply back to me whether good, bad, or indifferent them I say thank you as well.

In the meantime, here's hoping that this form of confession while still no where near being fully genuine, can at least serve as a starting point.

Curt

[Down and out?]

I want to write you a nice reply to help you but I don't think anything I say will change the way you feel and I know it won't, but I feel that by just even replying with something is better then nothing.
I sure hope you find a way that works out for you.

[Curt]

Down and out?,
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I can understand the difficulty in trying to come up with anything to say in response to my situation and that's okay. The way I see it, the first step in my healing process is through acknowledgment and confession of my problems and the things I have done that have contributed to my downfall.

Your response along with the 33 other people that have supposedly viewed my post serve as verification that my confession has at least been heard by someone even if it is anonymously.

My hope is that this will encourage me to start talking about these issues with real live people as part of the healing process.

So again, thanks for reading and taking the time to reply back.

Curt