Just kind of here...ya know? (mindless rambling)

[nxalone]

I think the subject kind of tells it all. Its an interesting thing going through this depression thing. In your day to day lives most of the people I run into have no idea about anything depression related. They just kind of live happily in their own little bubbles of protection where everything is just perfect. It's hard for me to really find anyone to talk to because people just look at you differently if you don't have everything all together. I know I used to live in that bubble. The bubble where I just felt like everything would be alright.

I think that all changed this last summer when my mom got diagnosed with esophangeal cancer. That was a tough time for me. I flew back from Germany to the States to see her and it was just so eye opening. It was a part of society that I just never realized was really there. Going to those radiation treatments with my mom was very eye opening. Seeing my mom suffer was hard, but she was at least surrounded by people she loved. Other people however didn't have anyone to support them. These people were literally in the fight of their life and no one was there to support them.

So then when I come back to my normal life and everyone is just hunky dory happy it really bothered me. People are going through these things every day and its like no one even realizes it. Maybe it is their coping mechanism for dealing with the shit that is life. I dont know.

As for me I am on anti depressents right now, trying to find the purpose of all this madness. I have my religious beliefs and they help but i'm not worried about what happens after I die, more about this time. Bad things just happen indiscriminately and I just really struggle with that.

I've spent most of my 28 years of life just going with the flow and living as if somehow life is going to go on forever. Well it's really not. And when you start living that way, when you start asking the deeper questions and trying to dissect life and figure it out, people really look at you differently. It's like "whooaaa, look at Robert, your talkin about some deep stuff here man! you just needa let it go and not focus on it." I guess it sounds good in practice but I can't do it. Maybe it's survivors guilt, I have no idea.

One of the silliest things is that I've been sad/down my whole life. Just kind of introspective I guess. But growing up it wasn't really socially acceptable to be that way so I developed almost an alter ego. The always joking smiling guy. He's my alter ego. I'll call him Bobby. That's who people know and who people like, but he's not me. When I am me, people ask me if I am going to kill myself. Even my wife asks me that. Kind of frustrating and sad to think the man my wife fell in love with isn't really me.

Well I think that's about all for now of my ramblings. I appreciate everyone on this forum. Yall are some amazing people.

-nxalone

[megankp]

Hello. I saw your post today and I completely understand what you're saying. Even though you posted it a couple weeks ago It's always nice to know you're not alone.

I know what you mean about just kinda being here though, I feel the same way right now. I feel like i'm just mindlessly living my day, going through the motions even just barley. I'm not engaged in anything, I don't want to do anything, i'm just kind of here, you know?

[TammyJS]

I also just saw both of your posts and I can also relate. I hide it, don't let anyone in etc. So many people have depression and really have not a clue or believe they suffer from it. After all these years though I have accepted it. I feel I am in a better place with acceptance and having a better understanding. I am one of the fortunate that gets it. It's just controlling it.