Conjuring Goals
Posted: Wed Nov 13, 2013 11:37 am
It occurs to me perhaps why I'm stuck, why I can't think my way out, why I have no solutions when I used to have many. How did I get here? Sometimes I wake up stunned. Often it takes a while, but at some point each morning reality sets in and I'm faced with a future of diminishing security, but more frightening, a future of diminished significance. It occurs to me that, while my goal setting skills were never all that great setting goals these days brings me back to the 'picking alphabets out of oatmeal' metaphor.
Set aside for a moment that the world is collapsing, or at least shifting in ways confounding and astounding to the human race. Set aside for a moment that my life has reached a critical stage where all the choices are much much more difficult than I'm prepared for, than I ever expected. Set aside the fact that there are so few resources, so few people who I can turn to for support, or even to talk about my life on a daily basis.
I was born under the astrological sign of Gemini. While I never bound my fate all that tightly to the stars I always found it intriguing that they foretold my character as a twin because I did seem to have two sides. Until about ten years ago I always thought about my two sides as fairly equal: one side fun / the other serious, one side creative / the other logical. It never occurred that one side might be smart and the other stupid. There is a solid history of me placing way up there on intelligence tests; enough to get me into a series schools, challenges, and jobs that I soon after floundered in.
As often as I can see value and meaning, problems and solutions, histories and possibilities; that's as often (I guess) that I can't follow a conversation, can't see the continuity of my actions, can't set and follow a process. I used to get the equivocal feeling to that was struggling to comprehend some deep and important concept. I think I know now, that I'm very often struggling to remember how to spell the simplest words, to grasp their meaning, and assemble them into a thought. It's tiring. It takes time.
The logical twin to my creative side isn't clever, he's vapid. The deeper twin side to my mechanic isn't insightful, he's chaos. I've always been told I just have to grow up; learn some discipline; get organized. Accordingly, I've set ambitious goals in high places and failed. I've set modest goals in more comfortable environments and found, not only that I didn't belong, was urged to strive higher, but I was frustrated and bored.
So, here I am now. I'm in physical (financial), intellectual, and emotional chaos. I don't know what the next step is. It occurs to me perhaps I'm stuck because I have grown up, got some discipline, and I've found that I'm carrying a twin which will always be here to plunge me into confusion. I'm 52 and he's not going away. I'm not going to organize or grow out of him. And that's stressful, chronically. And that's depressing, chronically. So what goals should I set? What should I strive for that gives my life some meaning? What do I reach for that doesn't end in more failure and heartache? How do stabilize this life, sustain this heart?
Set aside for a moment that the world is collapsing, or at least shifting in ways confounding and astounding to the human race. Set aside for a moment that my life has reached a critical stage where all the choices are much much more difficult than I'm prepared for, than I ever expected. Set aside the fact that there are so few resources, so few people who I can turn to for support, or even to talk about my life on a daily basis.
I was born under the astrological sign of Gemini. While I never bound my fate all that tightly to the stars I always found it intriguing that they foretold my character as a twin because I did seem to have two sides. Until about ten years ago I always thought about my two sides as fairly equal: one side fun / the other serious, one side creative / the other logical. It never occurred that one side might be smart and the other stupid. There is a solid history of me placing way up there on intelligence tests; enough to get me into a series schools, challenges, and jobs that I soon after floundered in.
As often as I can see value and meaning, problems and solutions, histories and possibilities; that's as often (I guess) that I can't follow a conversation, can't see the continuity of my actions, can't set and follow a process. I used to get the equivocal feeling to that was struggling to comprehend some deep and important concept. I think I know now, that I'm very often struggling to remember how to spell the simplest words, to grasp their meaning, and assemble them into a thought. It's tiring. It takes time.
The logical twin to my creative side isn't clever, he's vapid. The deeper twin side to my mechanic isn't insightful, he's chaos. I've always been told I just have to grow up; learn some discipline; get organized. Accordingly, I've set ambitious goals in high places and failed. I've set modest goals in more comfortable environments and found, not only that I didn't belong, was urged to strive higher, but I was frustrated and bored.
So, here I am now. I'm in physical (financial), intellectual, and emotional chaos. I don't know what the next step is. It occurs to me perhaps I'm stuck because I have grown up, got some discipline, and I've found that I'm carrying a twin which will always be here to plunge me into confusion. I'm 52 and he's not going away. I'm not going to organize or grow out of him. And that's stressful, chronically. And that's depressing, chronically. So what goals should I set? What should I strive for that gives my life some meaning? What do I reach for that doesn't end in more failure and heartache? How do stabilize this life, sustain this heart?
