Depression Understood Forums

I feel guilty for feeling this low, but i cannot physically control my moods and don't have a clue what to do. In the past 4 or so years i've suffered from spouts of self harm & suicidal thoughts, which has left me feeling humiliated, embarrassed and incredibly confused as to the way my head works. That type of behaviour comes in episodes, but now i feel something completely different.

The last 2 or so years, i feel numb. My appetite is either immense or nothing at all, I cannot stop sleeping - i use it as some kind of escape in a way, i'm demotivated and when i start something, or think of an idea to aid my life in some way i never finish it. To make things worse, I recently dropped out of university, an experience i was so excited for. I couldn't get involved socially in the way I could with my friends who know me so well, or even at all, I couldn't open up or get close to anyone new, I ran home practically every weekend and one week i just never went back. The thought of going back terrified me. I used to be a massive party animal, so bubbly and hard working and really looked like i had a bright future ahead of me. i did have a brief problem with class-a drugs but given that all up. Before social situations now, even with close friends I find myself nervous and on edge, paranoid about what i look like and what people will think of me. I cannot relax anymore at all. i don't recognise myself.

My boyfriend is incredible, he's been as supportive as he possibly can be but i hate burdening with him with my emotions because it seems to have a drastic impact on him too.

My mum, as lovely as she is has the attitude of 'there's nothing wrong with you, and nothing for you to be down about, i don't understand.'

I feel so guilty for feeling this way, and I literally don't feel like I can talk to anyone else.

I don't know why I decided to respond this way. I'm having issues with the way my head works too. I just thought I would copy the thoughts of yours that resoate, that I myself have thought or said in the past.

feeling humiliated, embarrassed and incredibly confused as to the way my head works.

The last 2 or so years, i feel numb

I used to be a massive party animal

I cannot relax anymore at all. i don't recognise myself.

i hate burdening him

nothing wrong with you

i don't understand.'

don't feel like I can talk to anyone else.

So, your not alone.

The first one; 'the way my head works'; my head works different. What can we do? The world is in transition. I think there are things we can do. We have to stay alert.