Depression Understood Forums

It really is pain. It's grief and iit's loss and it's pain. It grabs hold, won't let go and I don't think I can take it again. I can't keep going through this. It'sthe worst tthing I know of, to not wake up because you couldn't get to sleep. The world isn't against me. It just doesn't care.

i care

Hi Frame, I care too.

To find a purpose in life, to have a reason to get up and motivate yourself to start another day. That is what I live for. To not sleep is a pain, but I can cope with a night like that, maybe even two. How many days have I had where I spent all day in bed. A few weeks ago I was laying in bed at 10am when my brother called, he asked if I'd come over and help him with a ditch he was digging. My brother has almost never needed my help for anything more than a ride to the airport. I got up and went over and tried to help. I'm not in good condition and even though he's 70, he was about as productive as I was. But we did get it done. I went back home and back to bed. I only got up a few hours later because he called again to ask me out to dinner.

It's 3:30am here and I've set the alarm for 7am because I told an old friend whose truck broke down, that I'd chauffeur her to work.

There I go again talking about myself. Take care my friend, I'd give you a hug if I could. Are you a hugger? Some people are and some not so much. I'm big on hugs.

(((( Frame ))))) I so hope you find a way to be happy. I know you feel taht life is so heavy on your shoulders. I hope one day, your burden will be lighter...

Karolanne, I think it might have been you, a while back that was talking about delusions (forgive me if I'm wrong), and I said, "where would we be without our delusions' Here's a good example. I believe I knew, the day a looked at the shop, that I didn't want to be there.

[Of course people talk about how liking where you work isn't important. But I guess to me it is. Or maybe it wouldn't matter.] But I wanted so much not to be where I was at the time, that I concentrated on how I could make it work. And I built an illusion (or a dream) that it could work. And the truth is who really knows? Smart people around me thought it was a risk but it could work.

That's all well and good, but I never planned beyond the shop. I trapped myself. And so the dream that it could work (it worked for a while) became a delusion that it was working (when it wasn't) partly because when I looked for other options I couldn't see any.

That I couldn't see options was partly because I am depressed so often, partly because I really have no business acumen (because I'm depressed so often), and partly because I chose a path with no clear end (that's partly because i wanted so bad to be gone from where I was and partly because for me it's about the trip not the destination).

Bla, bla, bla...anyway Thank you also Fallen and Alaska. My problem with purpose in life (like helping here) is it never ends up paying the bills. So many things I've built with my heart, and soul, and sinew are still castles in the sand.

My apologies folks, if your looking for a moral.

Hi Frame,
You know that I truly care too...
I know that it's hard to find our way, when the way doesn't seem to want to work.
Truly, I admire your courage when everything inside you is screaming, "Noo, not another day. And not here!" But you find some strength, and go anyway.