Concluded that this is it and Cant do it anymore
Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 8:46 pm
Hi
I'm sorry that my first post is going to be a tedious and dramatic one but I thought I would try this forum before doing anything.
I actually came across this website whilst researching suicide methods - irony huh? The thing is I think I have hit my lowest point and I don't think it will get better until I'm gone.
This will sound all ridiculous but if i explain it all i think someone may understand why i am feeling the way i am and why i am at the point if ending everything.
My depression was diagnosed in 2011 stemming from the death of my father. I had not known him for 20 yrs (i am 26 now) but found him in june 2010 and it was wonderful. He had been looking for me and was incredible. In December he was taken ill and february he was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. The cancer robbed me of the person I had come to know as my father and in august 2011 he died in front of me and his family. That day i came back from london to plymouth and carried on like nothing had happened.
That september i started my place at uni studying fashion and loved it. However i was tired, oversleeping and not attending. I argued with my boyfriend who was in the navy who at the time of my fathers death was deployed away and did not come back until that october. I caused problems with our flatmates and was just a moody sullen person or the bubbly fun loving girl that you either loved or were immensely irritated by. Sleep was my best friend and playing xbox. Not going to uni that i loved. I got to a point that after a hideous argument with my boyfriend because i wouldnt go to uni i thought to myself, i dont think anyone would miss me if i was gone. I recognised this as bad straight away and got to see a doc who told me i was depressed. Something that i had great problems accepting but i started to understand that i had a mental health issue - not that i was this huge b***h. I had counselling provided by the uni and my lecturer at the time understood.
I was on citalopram and i started to feel like me again.
I scraped through first year uni and got a decent job that paid well. However i met a girl there who long story short, assaulted myself and her when ridiculously drunk. Police involved, he was arrested and i was scared. My boyfriend again was away with work and i was on my own. On my birthday, someone savagely killed one of our cats that had got out in the night and me and my bf were devastated and i couldnt help but think i was to blame and it was the guy who attacked me. I started to miss uni again and this time i hsd a different lecturer who was angry rather than understanding when i explained these triggers; i was told that one person had ME and another had cancer before me and they managed to come to uni. Instead of spurring me, this made me worse. It didnt help that uni clashed with my new job and i had to leave uni early to go to work. I begged my partner to let me quit my job but with our house and him being away i couldnt afford it. I was doing 8am-3pm uni and 3.30-10pm work and trying to do homework after. Id stay up late. Oversleep. Miss uni. Go to wok. February this year i was removed from my course. I was devastated. The evil lecturer said i could come back possibly in september and restart the year. Instead of working on projects i ignored it all and left it to the last minute. After my meeting in september this yr she decided i couldnt come back. I am devastated. Queue oversleeping, moods and awful depressive moods. My boyfriend struggled with me and got to the point of pressurising me to have sex when i didnt want to and would sulk until i did. Im overweight and very conscious of it, anothrr reason i hate about myself. Today he broke up with me saying he couldnt cope any longer with me. I am devastated. I feel like i lost my degree because of my depression and the pressure of him not allowing me to find another job. My depression has cost me my boyfriend who cannot cope with me anymore. So i have failed at academics, keeping a relationship and controlling my emotions and i cannot take the constant rejection and failure. Im a burden to my family, the person i love and my friends and i cannot do it anymore.
I dont want to do a dramatic suicide and be like look at me, but i cant cope anymore and i just want to sleep and never wake up.
Im sorry i have burdened you with this and if youve made it to the end i salute you but i need help otherwise i will find a way to end it all and stop being this fat, horrible, sad, emotional and financial leech that people see me as.
I'm sorry that my first post is going to be a tedious and dramatic one but I thought I would try this forum before doing anything.
I actually came across this website whilst researching suicide methods - irony huh? The thing is I think I have hit my lowest point and I don't think it will get better until I'm gone.
This will sound all ridiculous but if i explain it all i think someone may understand why i am feeling the way i am and why i am at the point if ending everything.
My depression was diagnosed in 2011 stemming from the death of my father. I had not known him for 20 yrs (i am 26 now) but found him in june 2010 and it was wonderful. He had been looking for me and was incredible. In December he was taken ill and february he was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. The cancer robbed me of the person I had come to know as my father and in august 2011 he died in front of me and his family. That day i came back from london to plymouth and carried on like nothing had happened.
That september i started my place at uni studying fashion and loved it. However i was tired, oversleeping and not attending. I argued with my boyfriend who was in the navy who at the time of my fathers death was deployed away and did not come back until that october. I caused problems with our flatmates and was just a moody sullen person or the bubbly fun loving girl that you either loved or were immensely irritated by. Sleep was my best friend and playing xbox. Not going to uni that i loved. I got to a point that after a hideous argument with my boyfriend because i wouldnt go to uni i thought to myself, i dont think anyone would miss me if i was gone. I recognised this as bad straight away and got to see a doc who told me i was depressed. Something that i had great problems accepting but i started to understand that i had a mental health issue - not that i was this huge b***h. I had counselling provided by the uni and my lecturer at the time understood.
I was on citalopram and i started to feel like me again.
I scraped through first year uni and got a decent job that paid well. However i met a girl there who long story short, assaulted myself and her when ridiculously drunk. Police involved, he was arrested and i was scared. My boyfriend again was away with work and i was on my own. On my birthday, someone savagely killed one of our cats that had got out in the night and me and my bf were devastated and i couldnt help but think i was to blame and it was the guy who attacked me. I started to miss uni again and this time i hsd a different lecturer who was angry rather than understanding when i explained these triggers; i was told that one person had ME and another had cancer before me and they managed to come to uni. Instead of spurring me, this made me worse. It didnt help that uni clashed with my new job and i had to leave uni early to go to work. I begged my partner to let me quit my job but with our house and him being away i couldnt afford it. I was doing 8am-3pm uni and 3.30-10pm work and trying to do homework after. Id stay up late. Oversleep. Miss uni. Go to wok. February this year i was removed from my course. I was devastated. The evil lecturer said i could come back possibly in september and restart the year. Instead of working on projects i ignored it all and left it to the last minute. After my meeting in september this yr she decided i couldnt come back. I am devastated. Queue oversleeping, moods and awful depressive moods. My boyfriend struggled with me and got to the point of pressurising me to have sex when i didnt want to and would sulk until i did. Im overweight and very conscious of it, anothrr reason i hate about myself. Today he broke up with me saying he couldnt cope any longer with me. I am devastated. I feel like i lost my degree because of my depression and the pressure of him not allowing me to find another job. My depression has cost me my boyfriend who cannot cope with me anymore. So i have failed at academics, keeping a relationship and controlling my emotions and i cannot take the constant rejection and failure. Im a burden to my family, the person i love and my friends and i cannot do it anymore.
I dont want to do a dramatic suicide and be like look at me, but i cant cope anymore and i just want to sleep and never wake up.
Im sorry i have burdened you with this and if youve made it to the end i salute you but i need help otherwise i will find a way to end it all and stop being this fat, horrible, sad, emotional and financial leech that people see me as.