Today I saw the man who raped me (triggering material)

[mish]

Hi again, I made a post a couple of weeks ago about my current situation and so wont bore you all with it again. Today though, I saw the man who raped me last June (a family member - my father - he threatened my daughter so I protected her in the only way I knew and subsequently he raped me). I was simply in Tesco - not the one near his house, not the place I usually shop, I went somewhere else so to avoid ever seeing him somewhere public but he was in there. I don't know how much more I can take. I cant cope seeing him free in public places and always looking over my shoulder. I was with my children and went shaky and had a mild panic attack. if needed, I could not have protected my children from him today cos I was too panic struck. how do I get over this and how do I cope with the feelings I have since being raped. no one understands and I hate that feeling

[Frame]

I'm so glad your posting mish. It bring tears to my eyes to read but you must stay connected. I don't have any simple, complex, or even tragically difficult solutions at present. I believe there is a path; there is a way to live this life, for your kids and for you too.

Please keep posting. There are people listening and may they find some wisdom. I care about you.

[4EverMe]

It's not enough for me to say I'm sorry for your pain! It's impossible for me to even wrap you in a meager hug. (Not that it would make a world of difference) All I can offer is that I do care about you too, Mish! And I'd like to see this monster's genitalia blown to billions of bits--and fed to other rapists like him. Right here, I digress. It gets much worse, so I'll keep that part caged.

You are a hero for those children of yours. And speaking of 'CAGED,' is he locked up where he can no longer victimize another human being? He needs to be. Or this will continue. Never assume that he won't get his. I just prayed for you and your kids. And I also prayed that people will come forward--that he'll be locked away. It doesn't deserve to be walking, nor breathing nor alive.

[mish]

thank you for your replies. no hes not locked away. 2 weeks ago he was released from all of his bail conditions and pronounced a free man. the police said they are 100% certain that he raped me, there is no doubt in their mind but they have insufficient evidence to guarantee a guilty verdict in court, and 'court is a very expensive thing and it is the publics' money so they cant spend it unless they think they are guaranteed a conviction' - that's ok but now I live in fear. I went away with my children last weekend and I realised that it was the first time in 14 months that I actually felt safe, it was the first time I slept even reasonably well in 14 months and as soon as I returned home I immediately felt on edge again. I cant continue to live like this and cant see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like im fighting the urge to take an overdose every single day and whilst I know its wrong and I need to stay for my children, a big part of me is desperate to leave this hell that im living. I sleep with the light on because I have panic attacks in the dark, I have flashbacks all the time and I cant do the simplist thing with out assessing the potential risk first. I have a panic alarm connected to the police in my home and take the mobile unit everywhere with me - the police have said I can keep the alarm for the forseable as they believe im at risk of further harm so why don't they charge him and lock him up. I don't understand it. I told the support worker that im done fighting and am ready to give up but she said that's because he has made me feel worthless. well why cant they do something about It then. why can someone rape someone in this country and get away with it? it feels so unfair. it seems selfish I know but I don't want to be here and the only way I can see free of the flashbacks etc is if im not here. people say it gets better over time but its been 14 months and if anything, things are getting worse. I haven't the energy to cry or fight anything anymore. my son wanted to play hairdressrs today and play with my hair but he pulled my head a little and I freaked out cos it triggered a flashback of the event. I should be able to be a mum without this interfering but I cant. I cant do anything anymore I just feel so useless.

[Assilem]

May be if you felt better when you went away it would be better to remove yourself from where you could meet him again? Do you have other family you could move closer to? Other people who could help protect your kids?
I can't possibly imagine what you are going through but you are a stronger and better person that him and your kids will respect and love you for what you do for them.

[mish]

thank you for your reply, I don't have any family I could move too, I rely solely on friends and have some fab (and some not so fab) ones but if I move then I lose all of my support too. if I move away I could reduce the chance of ever seeing him again but I also lose everything I have here. my son is disabled and apart from anything else the doctors who know him and who I trust are here. and I know I could register somewhere new for him but it has taken me years to trust them here and im not sure a new doctor would 'get' him or we could have the same level of understanding and trust of each other, if that makes sense. there is no one else who can protect my kids only me and I don't feel able to do that. I have booked another few day away, we go during October half term, Monday - Friday, and I cant wait- to sleep, to relax, to feel safe again for a while. but I know I need a better long term answer. thank you so much for taking the time to reply :'(