Life Is Too Difficult For Me...Hopeless For The Future

[chris87]

I don't really know where to start. Even though I'm only 24, I have no hope for the future and feel like my life is over. Nothing seems to be going right, and each day is so painful. Life is too much for me to handle, and I feel like "living" is just not for me. I want all of this unhappiness to end. I don't think that I will be able to reach any of my goals, and I have no potential to succeed.

I've done so many bad things and have had so many aspects of my life go completely wrong. When I was younger, I at least had a few positive traits (nice person, good student, etc.). I am now a total disgrace, and I don't even recognize the person that I've become.

I don't know whether or not this is relevant, but I have ADHD and possibly some Asperger related issues (I don't really agree, but that's my PDoc's opinion).

Everything started a few years ago when I got myself into a pretty serious predicament. Instead of going to my parents (I was afraid), I tried to take care of it on my own. This was a huge mistake and one that I regret each day. I ended up deceiving my parents, breaking their trust, and getting caught up in a huge web of lies. I never wanted this to happen, and I feel horrible about it. The pain is so bad to me, and my head pounds all day long with the terrible guilt that I feel. Because of me, my parents have had their lives adversely affected. They've lost a substantial amount of their money, been embarrassed multiple times, and have had their credit ruined.

My parents should despise me, but they don't. My dad has basically said to me that "It's only money. I want my son. I don't care about the money." Unfortunately, I can't overlook what I've done, and I'll never be able to go through life with all of this guilt. I'm sure there are a lot of parents who wouldn't have been so forgiving. I'm horrified. I can't believe everything that I've done, and I never wanted to inflict so much damage. I could just cry. All because I've always been too afraid to get my parents' help, I've created a huge disaster.

When my parents finally found out about everything in May, I got involuntarily committed for almost 2 weeks. I then spent another 8 days in June when I was readmitted. It's been a long past few months, and my dad always tells me that "we'll get through everything." I don't see how it can be done. It will probably take me 100 years to repay him, and by that time, it will be to late to ever start a life.

The truth is, I don't think I can do it. I have too many other issues that make it near impossible to ever rectify everything. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. I'm not productive at all and probably should be back on ADHD medication. I wish that I could see my PDoc, but I still owe him money. My parents even told me that they would pay for me to see him. They aren't aware that I still have a balance for past sessions. I'm supposed to be honest at this point, but I still have trouble being upfront. It's so hard for me to talk with them about certain issues.

I realize that I am in a pretty bad place. I can't concentrate or focus, no matter what I do. I've tried everything, and as I mentioned, I think my only option is to start taking ADHD medication again. It's the only way I'd be a help to anyone. However, that's not a possibility until I resolve the issues with my PDoc, which I'll probably never be able to do. Then if I do start taking medication, I'll be worried about all of the possible long-term side effects.

No matter which way I turn, I'll just never be happy. My life is ruined as it is, and I can't stop dwelling on negativity. I obsess about my health, I worry about getting older, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of dying, etc. etc. Where does it end? I'm stuck in these horribly bleak thought patterns, and it's an endless loop. Even if I were to "fix" what I've done, I'll still obsess about it years later. To make it worse, I have no friends, no social interaction, and really nothing positive happening in my life.

I'm sorry for being so pessimistic. I'm just sad that my life has turned out so differently than I ever expected. What purpose could possibly be left for me? I don't see any hope for positive change and am very doubtful that I could ever move past all of this.

I appreciate any input.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

First and foremost, (((( chris87 )))), I would like to welcome you to the forums, and then state quite openly and honestly that I most certainly don't " have all of the answers ". I'm just contributing a few thoughts, idea and experiences of my own that might be of some help/interest to you?
As someone who has, and does experience, depression I would have to say that I very much recognise a lot of what you say and feel as being very similar to what are quite often my own feelings.
I went through particularly severe depression and anxiety in the last half of 2009. I had a weekend in June that effectively turned into one massive and continuous panic-attack. Monday morning I went to see my Doctor, and pretty much unravelled while I was there! To such that a point that she had me referred to a psychiatrist within 48 hours, and I was off-work for five months.
At that point I was so depressed, anxious and physically and mentally exhausted that I couldn't see any realistic way that I could ever " pick up the pieces " of myself, of my life.
In fact I asked the Consultant Psychiatrist, of whose caseload I was a part, if he had ever known someone as " down " as I was ever recover? I often think of what he told me next. He told me that 95% of recovery was the patient deciding to do everything they could to recover. If a patient made that decision, and he added the 5% that he could contribute to that patient's recovery, then he had NEVER known a patient NOT recover.
I said that if there was anything I could do, in good conscience, to recover then I would, and he promised that he would do all he could to help me, and we went from there...
Now, over three years later, I'm back at work, and I have quite a few good days, and bad days, and occasionally I do get to do a few bits and pieces to help others as I was helped myself.
I'm a fairly average British guy, in my '40's, with no reason to think myself unusually strong or intelligent or tough. If I have rebuilt myself and my life, to the degree that by the Grace of God I have and hope to continue to do, may I suggest that there might well be no reason why someone else may not do the same? You, for example...?
As to the details of your particular situation I can't really offer any particular advice. However, I have often found people to be quite genuinely and miraculously caring, helpful and forgiving. Perhaps if I watch other people forgive me often enough I'll learn to forgive myself?
Or as a Rabbi once said: " If you believe that you can damage, believe that you can fix. " If a human being can cause harm, can a human being not also heal, also help? I find it hard to believe that you are the exception to this rule, there is surely no reason to believe that out of 7 billion human beings, you are the only one who can harm others but not help them.
In closing, I believe that there is a path ahead of you for you to travel, a journey for you to make. I can't promise that will be an easy one, but it may yet turn out to be a journey into a life, a future, that will enrich you and others.
Best of luck!

[Nikkiw]

I'm a teenager. I live with my mom and my step dad. My dad is out of the picture and so is his family. I don't know how to tell them and get them to understand about my depression. Obviously I haven't seen a doctor because I cannot drive and have not told my parents. So this is self-diagnosed depression so I'm afraid my mom will say I'm making it up or will smother me like she did when I told her I was just gonna go die. She didn't take that so well. She called the school counselor and everything. Yeah I kinda don't trust counselors either. They always take my moms side and never really listen. I don't know what I should do I just told my friend for the first time today that I have depression and she is the first one to know but she doesn't know what it means. What should I do? Somebody plz help!!!!!!!!!