I'm so, so, so useless

[amygdala_hijack]

I don't really know where to begin except that i feel like crap. My issues are very minor really, but I hate myself so much for not being able to handle even simple stuff like that.
I failed my course before, because i kept procrastinating, and i procrastinated because i just hated that i couldn't create anything good. i'm an art student, and the competitiveness is so strong, i always feel like i am losing out. i have no motivation to push myself, and even when i do, i always end up taking my foot off the pedal. i am so useless. i know everyone keeps telling me to change, all i need to do is to persevere. but i am a coward. i keep avoiding my responsibilities, and i have no will power to force myself to change. my time management, my organization, everything! everything is out of control. i don't know how to learn from my mistakes like everybody else, i am the worst kind of person and i shouldn't even exist.

i am a burden to my family and my boyfriend, and sometimes to my friends. but i am too afraid to let them all know too much about me. they might think that i am crazy. i get so depressed, and sometimes so bad that i can't even move. i relieve myself with scratching myself and sometimes cutting ( but nothing severe, i am too cowardly to end my life) and my boyfriend gets disappointed in me when i do that. he thinks that i am just too negative. i don't know how to be optimistic, but he tells me that i am not even trying. trust me, i try. but there is always this leadened burden inside me that won't let me get far. i feel so useless. don't get me wrong, my boyfriend truly is a special person, he has advised me, comforted me and been there for me, but like every normal person, he has a life. and he's got less time for me nowadays because he's working and he's on sports teams and got plenty of friends. he always makes time for me, but its not enough. when i am sad, i can't call him because he's busy and i don't want to trouble him

my family doesn't know a thing. my mother says that i am a burden, and i bring trouble to the family. i shouldn't even be here. my sister thinks that i am spoilt and useless. she gave up on me a long time ago. my dad is hardly around. he's kind to me, but to be honest, i barely know him. i recently found a message from another woman on his phone. i only glimpsed through it, but it seemed like he might be having an affair. i am not close enough to him to be really affected by it, even if he is my dad. but my mom would be
i don't know

i don't know what to do with my life. even when i know i am about to screw up for life, and i might never have another chance, i can't take my chances and make the best of my potential. i truly have no motivation, nothing. i hate myself

[Destination]

I failed my course before, because i kept procrastinating, and i procrastinated because i just hated that i couldn't create anything good. i'm an art student, and the competitiveness is so strong, i always feel like i am losing out. i have no motivation to push myself, and even when i do, i always end up taking my foot off the pedal.

Maybe you have no motivation to push yourself because the kind of art you are doing at the college is not really the kind of art you want to be doing? That might also be the reason why you feel you can't do anything good with your art, because you are being told what to create instead of just being able to create what you want.

i am so useless. i know everyone keeps telling me to change, all i need to do is to persevere. but i am a coward. i keep avoiding my responsibilities, and i have no will power to force myself to change. my time management, my organization, everything! everything is out of control. i don't know how to learn from my mistakes like everybody else, i am the worst kind of person and i shouldn't even exist.

I know this has probably been drummed into your head when you say that you are useless and that you are a coward. I think that it might be a good idea to think about what your responsibilities really are. Are they really your responsibilities? Or are these obligations placed on you by other people? Think of it like this:

If you had a neighbor who mowed your grass once a week, would you feel obligated to pay his bills? Would that be your responsibility? Or would your responsibility merely be to pay him a set amount for cutting your grass?

What I'm trying to say with this example is to think about what kind of responsibilities you have. Were these things imposed upon you by your parents, siblings or other family and friends? How much do you owe them really?

i am a burden to my family and my boyfriend, and sometimes to my friends. but i am too afraid to let them all know too much about me. they might think that i am crazy. i get so depressed, and sometimes so bad that i can't even move. i relieve myself with scratching myself and sometimes cutting ( but nothing severe, i am too cowardly to end my life) and my boyfriend gets disappointed in me when i do that. he thinks that i am just too negative.

People who really care about you will not think of you as a burden or think that you are crazy. When someone, such as your boyfriend, tells you that you are too negative, they are in reality saying that they want you to change your personality and attitude. While people can not change their personality, they can change their attitude... if there is a good reason to change it. Perhaps it might be a good idea to ask the boyfriend why he chose to be your boyfriend in the first place? What is it about you that drew him to you? What is it he likes about you?

my boyfriend truly is a special person, he has advised me, comforted me and been there for me, but like every normal person, he has a life. and he's got less time for me nowadays because he's working and he's on sports teams and got plenty of friends. he always makes time for me, but its not enough. when i am sad, i can't call him because he's busy and i don't want to trouble him

If he really cares about you, then trouble him, call him and talk with him. If he cares about you then he will definitely want to know how you're feeling and will try to do things to make you feel better.

my mother says that i am a burden, and i bring trouble to the family. my sister thinks that i am spoilt and useless. she gave up on me a long time ago. my dad is hardly around.

It doesn't sound like you have much of a support system at home. A person suffering from depression and inflicting SH on themselves needs a network of support. Of course this site and the chat room here are great ways to get things off your chest and there are plenty here willing to listen also it might not be a bad idea to check around for free local depression support groups in your area. It really helps to know you're not alone.

i don't know what to do with my life. even when i know i am about to screw up for life, and i might never have another chance, i can't take my chances and make the best of my potential. i truly have no motivation, nothing. i hate myself

Right now, try to take the pressure off of yourself for a while. You need to be able reevaluate your life and what you want out of life. Your depression won't help you to do this. So the first step is just to try and get to a point where you start feeling a little better. My motto is to take things one day at a time, looking too far into the future or looking back into the past, only hurts. One day at a time is best for me, it might work for you too.

(( hugs if you want them ))