Him or me? Why do I have to choose?

Everyday life. How was your day?

Moderators: windsong, cj-, BlueGobi, Moderators, Arryn, Frame

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Him or me? Why do I have to choose?

Postby Mrsderby » Thu May 17, 2012 1:34 pm

I am a mess, physically and mentally. Real sick since January. 5 hospital stays now, numerous Dr appts, lots of meds, can't take care of self...

He starts getting impossible to live with. Gets mad everytime I have a migraine, pass out, anything. Finally opens up in a nasty way. Apparantly in the last 5 months that I have been so messed up I wanted to end it all, I have not been giving him enough attention, appreciation, or recognition.

3 days ago he admits he has a broen tooth and is in horrendous pain. Also still has stomach pain that doubles him over. (I have spent years trying to get him to go to the dentist and GI Dr to find/fix issues. He refuses) So I tell him I am making appts for him. He says he can't go because all his leave time is being used to take me to MY Dr's (I cannot drive). So I cancel my Neurologist appt I have been waiting 5 weeks for. I have no meds for the terrible pain in my head. I also cancel my endocronologist appt I have waited a month for. This way he has leave time for his appts and there are no more excuses for him not to go.

That night I knew he was in a bad mood because he was in pain. He tends to take it out on me so I just kept to myself. I admit I was also mad because I had to cancel my appts.

So that evening he tells me he is leaving me. He was in a lot of pain and scared to death that night and I left him alone. (Note: I have been trying for years to get him to GI Dr for years because of his gut pain and bleeding. His father died of colon cancer. He refuses to go. How long am I supposed to fawn over someone who won't help themslves???)

The next day he goes to the dentist (root canal and crown). I went with him because I know he is terrified of dentists. Always have and always will. Anyway, apoparantly all I have to do to save my marriage is give him constant attention, and magically get "well" or at least pretend. He still insists that all my problems are because of past trauma in my life. He may be right. Problem is, he expects and demends that I just "let it go" and then the world will turn up roses. Doesn't he think I have tried that? Keep in mind the fat that he comes from a "leave it to Beaver" homelife and has no idea that impact that lifelong abuse can have on a person. I know I need to face my demons and move on but, if I allow my mind to evn glance backwards I feel the beginnings of insanity and know, even after 43 years, I am not ready.

Please tell me there is a way to prevent my past from destroying my future. Tell me there is a sun out there somewhere and it will shine for me one day. Tell me I will wake up one night, not drenched in sweat from the constant nightmares, that I will actually have a "good" dream. Tell me I will one day not hurt, or be scared, or be lonely in a crowded room (or be able to be in a crowded room for that matter).

Somebody please lie to me...

St8arrow

Postby St8arrow » Thu May 17, 2012 4:53 pm

Here's another guy who is letting you down. Unfortunately we have a guest coming to our home after dinner later tonight and if I don't go home immediately for supper, my wife will be under tremendous stress to make everything come out to the best of her ability.

I will look at your above post tomorrow and dissect it as much as possible and hopefully have some kind of help to offer you. God bless you and you will be in my thoughts until tomorrow and then we can communicate further.

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Thu May 17, 2012 6:00 pm

Is he letting me down or am I being too selfish and "hyperfocusing" on my own problems? Honest opinion please. You have read enough of my posts to know me.

St8arrow

Postby St8arrow » Fri May 18, 2012 8:00 am

Hello Mrsdenby

I think my above post gave more information for you then I realized. In a marriage that has value, each person tries to make life better for the other person as well as themselves. Both of you have issues, you probably more so than him from what I can gather. However it doesn't appear to me that he would be a good "catch" for another woman as he has some fears that aren't exactly beneficial to his overall good health.

You keep quiet when he is agitated to try to calm him down but maybe you have to face the truth with him and take the chance that life forces us to embrace whether we like it or not. I think both of you have to make a determined effort to change. Perhaps I am being unfair to your husband, through this internet site, I know you better than I know him. I am sure that he is frustrated with all of your issues.

I hope that what I have written in this submission will be of some help to you in deciding what course of action you should pursue in the immediate future. Naturally I would like to see you both stay together but only the two of you can make that decision.

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Fri May 18, 2012 11:50 am

Know this - I will stay with my husband "Through better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till [u]death[/u] us do part".

St8arrow

Re: Him or me? Why do I have to choose?

Postby St8arrow » Fri May 18, 2012 1:22 pm

Mrsderby wrote:
Somebody please lie to me..

From St8arrow

In my not so humble opinion, lying never solves anything. It certainly has the capacity to make one think that they are succeeding in the short term, but in the long term, trust me, they will fail. So I will be telling you the truth. If that is not what you want to hear, then I suggest that you ignore the rest of my comments in this submission.

From Mrsderby

I am a mess, physically and mentally. Real sick since January. 5 hospital stays now, numerous Dr appts, lots of meds, can't take care of self...

From St8arrow

Lots of meds is a prescription for disaster. I am sure that you don't want to take my word for it so google Alan J. Frances M. D. and find out for yourself.

From Mrsderby

He (my husband Jerry) starts getting impossible to live with. Gets mad every time I have a migraine, pass out, anything. Finally opens up in a nasty way. Apparently in the last 5 months that I have been so messed up I wanted to end it all, I have not been giving him enough attention, appreciation, or recognition.

3 days ago he admits he has a broken tooth and is in horrendous pain. Also still has stomach pain that doubles him over. (I have spent years trying to get him to go to the dentist and GI Dr to find/fix issues. He refuses) So I tell him I am making appts for him. He says he can't go because all his leave time is being used to take me to MY Dr's (I cannot drive). So I cancel my Neurologist appt I have been waiting 5 weeks for. I have no meds for the terrible pain in my head. I also cancel my endocrinologist appt I have waited a month for. This way he has leave time for his appts and there are no more excuses for him not to go.

From St8arrow

You know that your husband is afraid that he has cancer because of what happened to his father. Tell him the uncertainty is killing him anyway so he might as well face the truth and find out for sure what is wrong with his stomach and/or intestines.

You have shown great empathy for him by cancelling your appointments so that he can have his tooth fixed. If the dentist says that there are other issues with his teeth, make him get them fixed also. Phone the dentist yourself rather than take Jerry's word that everything is alright. Fear can force people to lie to avoid facing the fear itself.

From Mrsderby

That night I knew he was in a bad mood because he was in pain. He tends to take it out on me so I just kept to myself. I admit I was also mad because I had to cancel my appts. So that evening he tells me he is leaving me. He was in a lot of pain and scared to death that night and I left him alone. (Note: I have been trying for years to get him to GI Dr for years because of his gut pain and bleeding. His father died of colon cancer. He refuses to go. How long am I supposed to fawn over someone who won't help themselves???)

The next day he goes to the dentist (root canal and crown). I went with him because I know he is terrified of dentists. Always have and always will. Anyway, apparently all I have to do to save my marriage is give him constant attention, and magically get "well" or at least pretend.

From St8arrow

Well Mrsderby you could make the same demand, namely that he gives you his constant attention. Obviously, in a loving relationship the level of attention given to either partner is in proportion to that which is required to enable both partners to do the best they can to succeed in the everyday achievements that all of us must face in our journey through life.

From MrsDerby

He (my husband) still insists that all my problems are because of past trauma in my life. He may be right. Problem is, he expects and demands that I just "let it go" and then the world will turn up roses. Doesn't he think I have tried that? Keep in mind the fact that he comes from a "leave it to Beaver" home life and has no idea what impact that lifelong abuse can have on a person. I know I need to face my demons and move on but, if I allow my mind to even glance backwards I feel the beginnings of insanity and know, even after 43 years, I am not ready.

From St8arrow

Well MrsDerby when do you think that you will be ready? Nobody lives forever and your husband just might be right. In fact I believe he is indeed right. This is an anonymous site and that should make it easier for you to face your demons. But if your fear that this site is not as secure as it might otherwise be, then you can email me directly if you like.

If that seems scary to you also, then I suggest a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. Don't just accept anyone, you have been jerked around long enough. Choose a Therapist who has demonstrated a strong ability to show empathy to those that he or she is trying to help.

From MrsDerby

Please tell me there is a way to prevent my past from destroying my future. Tell me there is a sun out there somewhere and it will shine for me one day. Tell me I will wake up one night, not drenched in sweat from the constant nightmares, that I will actually have a "good" dream. Tell me I will one day not hurt, or be scared, or be lonely in a crowded room (or be able to be in a crowded room for that matter).
.


That's a mighty tall order but on the other hand, it is a vivid description of the psychological tensions that you are dealing with. I believe there is a positive answer to your above stated wish, but it requires the right person to guide you through the quagmire of abuse that you have apparently suffered during your lifetime. Thanks for having the courage to communicate your various problems as fluently as you have thus far. Finally a quote from Winston Churchill.

"Some men (or women) stumble upon the truth, pick themselves up and walk away as if nothing had happened."

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Fri May 18, 2012 2:53 pm

I am scared. Right now; This very minute. Terrified of what I may do. I want to hurt something. Destroy everything. I can't sit still. I am terrified of myself. Therapist visit this morning. Too short. She says I need help. I KNOW THAT. Psych Dr tomorrow. He will put me on meds. Will take weeks to work. In the meantime my husband will be home in 4 hours. I have until that time to figure out how to PRWETEND to be normal. It is Friday. I have to keep up the charade all weekend.

Found out last night that my mind is fabricating memories of things tht never happened. Recently. I have very real memories of things I did within the past few days. It never happened. At other times I have no memory of things I did do. People saw me. I am losing my mind.

There is a door in my mind. I can feel a presence behind the door and it has me terrified. No matter what I am doing, I can feel it. I can actually see the door. I think that the thing behind the door is the thing I have to face in order to get better. However, just thinking about it is driving me insane.

My husband sys it is just a door. It is meant to be opened. He says it is no big deal, just open the door and deal with it. He is probably right and it is probably that simple. Who knows, I may open the door only to find some cute furry teddy bear. But the feer is too much.

I know I am disjointed and not making much sense right now. I can't help it. I have to keep typing or I will do something bad. How do I spend the weekend pretending everything is ok when it is not? How do I laugh and smile when inside I just want to scream? How do I stop myself from picking and scratching and pacing and fidgeting? How do I sit still? How do I stop crying? How do you pretend not to be insane?

The answer is you don't. We fight every night. Not because anyone did anything wrong but because my emothions are on such a tight string right now that everythting is a big thing. I say the wrong things. I react to the wrong things. I

I know I need to call someone right now. I know I am in crisis. I know someone or something is in danger. ?But I can't. I don't know who to call. If I call the right people they will either say it is no big deal, see Dr tomorrow (bad) or they will lock me up (worse). If I call the wrong people they will make light and say nothing is really wrong and that I think too much.l They will not understand the urgency of my need to destroy.

The only thing I can hang on to right now is the knowledge that I have a strong sense of right and rong, and self presevervation. I am also pretty smart and logical. I know what I want to do is wrong and will have dire consequences.

I hope that is enough

St8arrow

Postby St8arrow » Fri May 18, 2012 3:07 pm

Although I am fearful for your safety, I believe that your last words are valid "I hope that's enough." I believe that it is enough.

You gave some valid reasons for not contacting anyone. You are not insane. You are suffering from a conglomeration of distorted fears that are deflecting your behavior in ways that are beyond my ability to understand sufficiently enough to offer you the help you need.

You have to take charge. If the people you phone to ask for help suggest an option that does not agree with the one that I am repeating below, tell them you have had enough with their well intentioned ideas about how to help you. You want a therapist that fits the following description and you do not intend to settle for anything less.

(repeated advice from a previous submission)

Get a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. Don't just accept anyone. You have been jerked around long enough. Choose a Therapist who has demonstrated a strong ability to show empathy to those that he or she is trying to help.

I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that you have the courage to make that phone call. Good luck and good skill to you.

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Fri May 18, 2012 4:11 pm

I know yu mean well but you are so full of shit.

St8arrow

Postby St8arrow » Sat May 19, 2012 10:40 am

From St8arrow

Give me an example that you think proves that I am full of excrement and I will respond to it.

St8arrow

Postby St8arrow » Sat May 19, 2012 11:44 am

I don't have a lot of respect for Sigmund Froid's ideas, however at least he made the study of the human mind more acceptable and because of him many others took up the discipline also. In this regard, I do indeed respect him. One of his theories was about transference and it can sometimes be valuable in understanding people's behavior.

In this regard, Mrsderby, I think you would have liked to have said to most of the psychiatrist's that you have seen, what you said to me, namely, --- You are full of excrement.

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Sat May 19, 2012 11:57 am

On my way to psych dr. Do I tell him the truth and get locked up or lie and get to stay hme??? I have been sedating myself with large doses of Klonopin so he won't notice and I can keep control of the monster inside me.

St8arrow

Postby St8arrow » Mon May 21, 2012 10:12 pm

Hello Mrsderby;

I think I told you that I only use the computers at the library. Right now I am using a computer at a local hotel lobby. I live up here in Canada and this is called Victoria Day in honor of Queen Victoria. What this all means is that today is a holiday here in Canada and by the time I am answering your above question, it is already too late.

I suspect that you did not tell the Psych Doctor the truth and I would agree with that decision. After all if you are put in a hospital, your fear that your husband will leave you is a valid fear from your perspective. You also said that your marriage will last till death do you part. What you meant is that if Jerry does leave you, the thoughts of suicide will fill your mind again. With those thoughts in mind, obviously lying to the Psych Doc was the right thing to do. Unless of course he can help you with your fears and give you some success rather than more drugs and more opportunities to fail.

What is Klonopin???

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Sat May 26, 2012 11:07 pm

Klonopin is an anti anxiety med. I am supposed to take 1 at a time every 4 hours as needed. I was taking 4 at a time. All day.

Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Wound up going into the hospital. 5 days.

Did you actually say lie to the psyh dr about my homocidal thoughts??? About the overwhelming need to destroy everything/everyone? Of suicidal thoughts???

Who are you, anyway???

PS, you are correct about one thing. When my husband leaves me, by choice or not, I will die by my own hand or anothers. I will not live without him.

Mrsderby
Posts: 73
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 5:21 pm

Postby Mrsderby » Sun May 27, 2012 11:12 am

Open up my mind and see
the person life has made of me
and all that I may never be
Tears hidden in the rain

Look inside my heart and find
the pain that leaves the senses blind
as sorrow helps the days unwind
Tears hidden in the rain

Walk inside my shoes and know
The hopelessness I never show
but through this life I'm doomed to go
Tears hidden in the rain


Return to “Living with Depression and other Related Health Concerns”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests