Depression? Anxiety? Stress? It's affecting my relationship

[nikorii]

I'm so sorry for the length but please try to help me. I can't take this anymore and I just want to get better already!

This one event concerning my health made me feel all the negativity in the world. I found out I had hemorrhoids..I was shocked, embarrassed that I had it, scared that I might have surgery for it (but I wanted it anyway since it was the only way to remove it) And all the negative stuff just came together in one big ball and boom.. I just gave up on feeling and I guess that's what started my whole depression..Everything just sort of blew out of proportion..

It's been going on for two months now and it's killing me every single day. I wake up in the morning and a RUSH of negative thoughts fill my head and I just don't want to go through the day anymore because I know I can't feel anything.. I haven't been able to feel any positive emotions eversince the depression began. It's like my world flipped upside down and now I'm a person that I don't even know and it's scaring the life out of me because I've never felt this way in my 17 years of existence.

Suddenly, when the depression hit. I couldn't feel excited about anything. I would go to places that used to make me happy and give me so much life but when I'd step into the room it would be so blank. Like a flatline and it's hurting me because I have a boyfriend... and I love him so much and I KNOW that I love him but my body won't cooperate and let me feel the usual sensations and fulfillment when I'm with him. At first I panicked so much about this because he's the only thing I was sure of in my life and how can things suddenly change over night ? I KNOW myself all too well that I don't fall out of love THAT easily. Can depression be the cause of this? Because if it's not I might have to go shoot myself... I really REALLY truly do love him and care about him and I want to build a future with him but my depression isn't letting me feel the fulfillment and happiness I need when I'm around him or when I think about him and our future together. Whenever I'm close to him or when I hug, kiss or become intimate with him...there is like an invisible WALL which keeps me and him from being disconnected emotionally even if we're together physically...

And honestly, I'd rather be unhappy than be happy without him. I've thought of breaking up with him before when I wasn't diagnosed with depression yet.. because I thought maybe I was really falling out of love with him... but I kept denying it because HOW? How could my perfect relationship just turn off and be something so...unreal? It was irrational and unreasonable how suddenly I just couldn't feel anything for him... I love him so much. I used to tell him that I love him more than myself.. it's crazy how much I can love someone. And no, this isn't just "Maybe you're getting used to him/tired of him..." No. I know myself. I'm not like that. I love him and never was there a time in ANY of my relationships that I got tired of loving or feeling for that person...
I KNOW the things that I want.. I really do. Who doesn't know what makes them happy? I know dancing, K-POP covering, friends and my boyfriend makes me happy but when I'm around all of that it makes me feel empty and I end up freaking out and crying all the time because I'm just so desperate to feel something for all of them because I know I'm supposed to.

I try to do everything to try and feel something. It's like I take my emotional temperature every 5mins and when I don't feel something.. I freak out, my chest starts to tighten, I end up shaking and crying because I'm just so scared that I'll never be myself again.. and that happens a lot whenever I try to hug or kiss him and not feel anything because I KNOW the emotions I feel when I do that and I just FREAK when I don't feel it.

I'm scared to let go of all the things that I love because I can't feel anything.. You know when you go to a certain event and you're like 'Wth, this doesn't thrill me, I don't feel the fulfillment in my heart..' Would you still go back to that event? No. You wouldn't. I'm afraid that I'll get used to the empty feeling with the things and people that I love ... And I'll stay this way forever.

Right now, I don't have the usual symptoms of depression anymore like the lack of concentration, sleeping and eating problems.. although I still feel hopeless (because of not feeling anything) and the detachment from everyone and everything.. I don't know what's happening to me! All I can do is cry helplessly everyday.. I just want my old life back!

Please help me.. What do I do to be my usual self again? Is the depression turning me into someone I'm not.. and I don't know?
Can depression permanently change the way you feel about things that you love before it happened?
And will I ever be the same again? Will I ever be able to love the things and people that I love and feel the fulfillment and passion towards them again?

I FEEL SO STUCK and I just want this all to end as soon as possible.. Please help me.. I'm so desperate. I don't know what to do anymore... :'(

Additional information:
I don't feel the same for the things I used to be excited about like Senior Ball and graduation.. It's crazy because just two months ago I was like a freaking fireball excited for it! It's annoying how the most important events in my life seem wasted because of this numbness and emptyness...the disconnection from everyone especially for the people I love is making me so miserable..

I don't know what it is anymore since I'm not experiencing most symptoms of depression anymore.. The fatigue and lack of concentration has definitely lifted. I have no problem sleeping or eating.. I'm pretty regular but that came off some weeks later after this happened.. And now all I'm left with is this numbness and I'm scared it'll never go away...

Help! :'(