Depression Understood Forums

Hello everyone!

I have 3 decades of living with depression and have been medicated for most of this time.

What has become so much more apparent to me in the last few years is how my brain can go from feeling OK or even good to full blown depression symptoms in an extremely short period of time and out of also in a short period of time. When I say full blown, I mean the all-consuming darkness accompanied with physical manifestations. I'm sure most of you know how this is not just feeling sad or blue!

For me there is at least one definite trigger and relief therefore my depression must be highly reactive. As much pain as this causes me I also feel some hope because this suggests to me that there must be a learnable relief method that I can apply. It means that there may be a way I can "get myself out." It's really as simple as this; if I feel intimately/romantically connected with someone (not necessarily even dating,) and it goes awry then BOOM, instant pain and by the next day, all symptoms of depression! If I start talking to that person again then within a short period of time I am relieved. Complete emotional dependence! The severity of the "crash" depends on the level of connectedness, and over how much time. Someone I have maybe talked to daily for weeks might take me to a place where I can't sleep, eat, take pleasure in anything etc. etc., whereas a failed 1yr+ relationship can bring me to months of constant suicidal depression. Again I see hope here because if the "drug" (emotional dependence) on the person is reignited then it does for me what no prescription has been able to. I must be able to summon this from a healthy source (and perhaps if I learn that then I might not find myself so emotionally dependent again?)

I'm guessing (assuming I get any) common response here is going to be that I need to look within. I have started so many books of this nature though and drop them for various reasons.

Thanks for any thoughts/experiences!

It's a little different for me. I have ptsd. Every bad experience is all lumped into one emotional response. What i mean is, for me, it's the same whether the store runs out of my favorite snack or i buried my husband today. It all causes the same response. And my first response to every situation is always suicide. I have to force myself to see anything else. It's like every bad thing that ever happens is all put in this one jar. And whenever something else bad happens the whole jar opens. So no matter what it is that happened, it's all the same thing from the same jar.

I can have a day where I'm laughing and smiling and the next day be ready to end it all. But most days are just a numb blah. I'm not bipolar. I don't have the manic highs. It's called yo-yo-ing. The up and down. And it doesn't always take a trigger to cause or aleviate it.

I do believe though that whatever happiness you find, it has to come from inside to be real and lasting. I do hope you find that for yourself.

Welcome to the forums Cloud0. This is a great place with caring people. We also have a Depression-Understood Chat Room, should you want to go in, talk with others. A safe and carry site.

Warmsoul