Relapse - I hate myself for this

[Mysticalflame]

My first post in this forum was January 2011. Back then, I was real depressed. I stopped schooling, my circle of friends were only that handful of them, I had a boring dead end job and my life was repetitive of dullness. I really couldn't see a way out in my life.

But things took a turn during May this year, where I quit my old job and joined a new company. I met new friends, I learned many new things and my days were filled with either work or gatherings. Even better, after my 3 months probation with the company, my boss gave me a pay increment and praised me for my performance. I was so happy and proud and I felt really good about myself. Finally, it seems like there's a purpose in life after all. Finally, I seemed like a valuable person.

Yet recently, the old depressing feelings start to re-surface. I'm almost always 30 mins late for work. The weeks used to fly past but now, it seems like weekend can't come fast enough. I felt my productivity draining away from me and I lost all my optimism.

I thought it was just a down period because of stress from work. But I realized I had gone back to my depressive self when I started tearing up on the bus for no reason. I felt so miserable and just wanted to do nothing. I want to go back to the days where I don't have to wake up early to work. I just want to lay in my bed and sleep.

I struggled to throw this depression off. I told myself that I'm really lucky to be working with such a nice company, where bosses recognized your efforts and reward you. I shouldn't be letting them down. But I just can't shake that sadness away.

Then I realized, I hadn't gotten better. I am back like what I was, 10 months ago. Depressed. Moody. Awkward. And suicidal.

Why? Why is this happening again? I thought my life was on a roll ever since I changed a new job. But I'm receding back to my old self. I loathed myself for feeling like this. I feel so weak and powerless. I really want to get well soon. I want to feel better. But... I don't know why I'm feeling like this again.

I really hate myself.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( Mysticalflame ))))))))))))))))))

Warm hugs coming your way.

Do you see a doctor? Are you on medication? If so, has it been changed? Please talk to your doctor, explain what is going on and ask for help. That is always a good place to start.

Keep posting here, allow others to support you. Go to our Depression-Understood chat room, lots of wonderful and understanding people there.

Warmie