Today I Wake

[RenaMoon]

And I'm not so happy. A strange quiet dullness has wrapped itself around my soul. I can feel sadness waiting for the trigger to be pulled, so it may spring forward with unleashed force. Without an appetite, I skip breakfast for fear of losing it. I'm moving through my daily routines: Rise, dress for work, go to work, come home and face the wrath, go to sleep. I'm so tired. I couldn't sleep right the night before. The afternoon prior to last night left me hurting. I just want to scream with my eyes shut tight. Everyone who looks at me can't see it. They just don't know how hard it is to pretend I'm okay. I am bothersome. I confided in some only to have my words thrown back in my face. My feelings are shattered and foreign.

I know its like an echo, because I can hear it repeatedly in my head. Every breath carries with it one more reason why I'm not wanted. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate that I'm not perfect. I hate how I am treated. I hate myself...

I don't want to go to work. I will see people I can't bring myself to face. I will have to dodge angry customers who tell me how stupid I am for something I have no control over. My bosses will overwhelm me with work that can't all be done in 8 hours. They are most likely upset with me already because I had to leave early the day before. I don't want to lose my job, but I don't want to be there either. I don't want to cope. I keep falling back down that hill, dangling on the edge of a black abyss. If only I could scream, but I feel so defeated.

Is it worth getting up now? Is every pain filled second worth enduring? I know what every day brings. I know because it is an endless cycle. The same thing happens and I'm always left too numb to even talk. I need to be freed from this depression. I need a day worth living. It would be all the better if I could smile from my dead heart for once and not be hovering on the edge of tears.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Hi, (((( RenaMoon ))))!
Your description of how you feel is very close to how I felt when I was at my lowest a year or so ago. And, how I still feel quite often, even now, if I'm honest.
And, I'm painfully aware that I don't have all the answers, all too few of them in fact.
However, I am better than I was a year ago. And I can tell you that going from where I was then and feeling very much as your post describes all the time, I have reached a time when I do have " good days " as well as " bad days ". However low I feel, and however often I still feel that low, I do have days that make me grateful to be alive, and I have hope that I will have more such days.
I have no reason to believe that I am any stronger, braver, wiser or in any way " better " than you are. So, if I can " fumble my way back from the edge ", I have every reason to be confident that you CAN, in truth, do so also...
" Is it worth getting up now? " I would say that it STILL is. A consultant psychiatrist once told me that " recovery " from depression was about making small, gradual changes, not sudden, great leaps. Slowly building a new, firm foundation, not making sudden, exhausting " grabs " at " quick fixes. "
For example, when, I was feeling at my lowest I was given a small notebook, and every day I would write a few things about the following day that I could look forward to and enjoy, in however small a way. Things like watching Veronica Mars on E4 at 11:00 AM, then going to a favourite cafe for a nice meal, or going to a library and browsing in the history section. I'm a huge Doctor Who fan, so when the BBC started showing trailers for Torchwood: Children of Earth, I knew that I wanted to see it and find out what would happen in that story. I re-read my collection of Astro City comics, the stories are so much rooted in the characters' thoughts and feelings, they made me feel less alone, and the knowledge that I could still actually enjoy something was reassuring to me.
I'm also very uncomfortable in my job, I suspect in some ways for the same reasons you describe. However, I now make a point of noting to myself the good things that can still happen to me at work. For example, a colleague of mine at work was doing a fairly radical " spring clean ", and he very kindly gave me a couple of dozen Doctor Who and Torchwood books that he'd read and didn't need any more. So, when I feel particularly down I start reading one, and starting a new story makes me feel better about my future, in however small a way.
I'm not minimising how bad you feel, I really, truly am not. But, I do know, from my own actual, personal experience, that things CAN get better, at least a little, however slowly. I am getting gradually better at learning how to go about " sunbathing in the rain. " And, I hope and trust that that you can too...