frustrated, hope/hopeless (triggering)

[bellz]

so I tend to write novels when I type, sorry. I hope someone takes the time to read it all, and cares enough. I start seeing a new therapist tomorrow, which is really today. So really in about 11 hours. I can't ever get to sleep at night and that is terribly frustrating. I used to go to sleep with the help of a sleep pill but it was stopped because my new med doc is working on my meds and she is doing a wonderful job really. I just feel like I am turning into a nocturnal being. I don't like it at all. I don't sleep well during the daytime hours either.
So to get going on everything. I just have so manyo issues....ptsd, agorphobic problems, anxiety, childhood abuse, trust issues, night terrors (nightmares of my abuse) its all so much that it just seems to much to try and deal with a new therpist on. I just feel like I have been this sinking ship and one short time period isn't going to keep me afloat.
I had been hospitalized twice last year for trying to kill myself, and while in the hospital tried to kill myself by stuffing wet napkins into my throat, stupid I know. I don't really want to die, I just don't want to live like this anymore. I am not completely free from suicideal stuff but better. I have a new med doc and she has gotten me onto a better med regime. So I now refuse to go back into the hospital because everytime I did they changed all my medications and my old doc just went with it. It kinda made my brain all crazy for awhile with all those drug changes.
So I had been seeing a therpist twice a week and was pretty stable. But some bad things happened and she scared me by trying to push me into doing things that i wasn't ready for. Stupid to some people but all the same I ran out of her office in tears. I did go to the river to jump in and drown myself but didn't thankfully as that isn't the answer. It was just I felt so betrayed as I had told her things that I had kept secret inside me my whole life about my abuse. Things no one had ever known. Things that had hurt me very badly and I don't know if I can ever share them again. So she really broke my trust. So now I see someone new and I am very very afraid. It is just such a long long road to go up again. It takes so many hours of painful digging and talking to get back to that point of trust. The worst thing is I know I can't heal if I don't do it. So I am stuck. Cuz it's pointless, and hopeless, if I am not going to heal then I don't want to live like this, and I might as well die. But like I said, that isn't really what I want. It's just the fastest solution, the easy way out of the problem is not to deal with it. Also because I don't sleep, and have been so very depressed my meds were increased, which has caused me to be more scrambled, so I bounce from subject to subject. Sorry to the reader. Finally I wish most of all, I was healed enough to feel safe going to church.

[mtywilli]

I read your story and I am wondering if you have given life a true chance. you have spoken of quite a few incidents that are unfortunate but I think if you hold on things might change and it is well worth the wait, good luck.

[CrispyRingo]

I went through something like this, but maybe not as difficult. I couldn't sleep for days on end, and very small things would push me over the edge. Things like loud music, water on my skin that wouldn't dry ect. I know it sounds stupid, but thats how I was for a while. One time I went completly off my head and threw a can of spaghetti at the wall. I was messed up. I don't know what to call it, but I think it was some form of emotional abuse I was suffering from at the time. I don't know what to call it.

I know how you feel about therapists, and the reason I don't visit them is because I don't trust them. I prefer a close friend, but I don't have any. I know medication can mess up your brain a bit. It makes me feel groggy and out of the groove most of the time. But that's just me.

CrispyRingo

[shatteredhopes]

Big big hugs dear one you have been through so much and are dealing with a lot now. I have a coupla suggestions if you don't mind....

One, I find it helps to have some little pleasures in life I can count on. I have movies on video and dvd of some true stories, some fiction, but they are often movies that people face incredible obstacles then truimph in the end, like "A Beautiful Mind" for instance. These I watch over and over to give me hope that I too can truimph despite the overwhelming obstacles or at least cheer that others have. I have my coffee and cigars, allow myself something pleasurable to eat now and then. Any little pleasures you can find in life to try to enjoy little moments and respites from the illness. Whatever you enjoy...music, a hobby, certain foods, etc.

I personally sleep with the a light on for several reasons, one of which is when I have nightmares or night terrors I can see where I am and that all is okay. What about asking the new pdoc about sleep aids like trazadone or if over the counter would be okay in conjunction with your meds? I find benadryl helps with my allergies and helps me sleep, when I have used up my quanity of ativan for the day and don't have one for bedtime.

Have you ever tried journaling? Even though understandably you cannot yet trust the new therapist and its hard to start over, especially after you've been burned by a therapist, if you journal those intimate fears memories feelings etc. when you are ready you can share some pages with the therapist and will always have them if you have to go back to square one.

I am sorry you are enduring so much. The dalai lama says compassion is the source of happiness. Along those lines I have found little moments of peace and serenity helping others in this forum or on chat or at least trying to. What about group therapy? For instance, domestic violence centers often offer sessions for adult survivors of child abuse both violent and sexual. In a group setting, you may not feel so alone, you may have the opportunity to comfort someone else or share ideas that have helped you, you may receive good ideas and support, and most of all, overcome a bit of the social anxiety or at least feel more comfortable is a somewhat social situtation which could be a stepping stone to going to church again.

What about church on television or having the pastor visit you? Would it be possible to call a church and ask for them to assign you a prayer partner as you aren't able to make it right now to services, but someone who could call or visit you and give you that sense of participating in something spiritual without feeling so alone?

Some social connections can be very helpful. I have made friends though this site and now have a friend I talk to on the phone everyday and it helps a lot not to feel so isolated. Isolation is something we tend to do when sickest but it really can make us sicker. I hope you can find some safe way to reach out, even if its only calling a crisis line now and then to talk to a compassionate voice.

You are dealing with so so much right now and have suffered greatly. My heart goes out to you and I am sending good thoughts your way and wishes for a little light and peace in your day.

[Ahorse]

so I tend to write novels when I type, sorry. I hope someone takes the time to read it all, and cares enough. I start seeing a new therapist tomorrow, which is really today. So really in about 11 hours. I can't ever get to sleep at night and that is terribly frustrating. I used to go to sleep with the help of a sleep pill but it was stopped because my new med doc is working on my meds and she is doing a wonderful job really. I just feel like I am turning into a nocturnal being. I don't like it at all. I don't sleep well during the daytime hours either.
So to get going on everything. I just have so manyo issues....ptsd, agorphobic problems, anxiety, childhood abuse, trust issues, night terrors (nightmares of my abuse) its all so much that it just seems to much to try and deal with a new therpist on. I just feel like I have been this sinking ship and one short time period isn't going to keep me afloat.
I had been hospitalized twice last year for trying to kill myself, and while in the hospital tried to kill myself by stuffing wet napkins into my throat, stupid I know. I don't really want to die, I just don't want to live like this anymore. I am not completely free from suicideal stuff but better. I have a new med doc and she has gotten me onto a better med regime. So I now refuse to go back into the hospital because everytime I did they changed all my medications and my old doc just went with it. It kinda made my brain all crazy for awhile with all those drug changes.
So I had been seeing a therpist twice a week and was pretty stable. But some bad things happened and she scared me by trying to push me into doing things that i wasn't ready for. Stupid to some people but all the same I ran out of her office in tears. I did go to the river to jump in and drown myself but didn't thankfully as that isn't the answer. It was just I felt so betrayed as I had told her things that I had kept secret inside me my whole life about my abuse. Things no one had ever known. Things that had hurt me very badly and I don't know if I can ever share them again. So she really broke my trust. So now I see someone new and I am very very afraid. It is just such a long long road to go up again. It takes so many hours of painful digging and talking to get back to that point of trust. The worst thing is I know I can't heal if I don't do it. So I am stuck. Cuz it's pointless, and hopeless, if I am not going to heal then I don't want to live like this, and I might as well die. But like I said, that isn't really what I want. It's just the fastest solution, the easy way out of the problem is not to deal with it. Also because I don't sleep, and have been so very depressed my meds were increased, which has caused me to be more scrambled, so I bounce from subject to subject. Sorry to the reader. Finally I wish most of all, I was healed enough to feel safe going to church.

Ahhh, novel writing. Me too usually I'm afraid. No need to apologise, you need to write what you think will inform us and that's all you should focus on.

First thing I want to say to you is never do something because your medical adviser told you to, if you don't feel like it. Never. They are not you and they don't know how you feel so you decide. Tell them "I can't do that and therefore I won't. Have you orher ideas please".

It's about taking charge of YOUR treatment. It is easy to expect the medical people to run the show and give you the ansers which will fix you.

But that NEVER happens. Unless it's a physical problem of course.

If it's a mental issue then the cause and answer to relieving it lie within you.

There are some physical problems which can cause mental issues so a good doctor would test you for a range of physical problems first. Like Xrays. SBlood test. Simple things but many docs skip it and just dish out meds before they really know anything.

You have a lot to deal with and you;re right. It does seem too much. So the only way to deal with it is one bit at a time. One bit of one thing at a time. slowly is the only pace with recovery. Ask which one should you deal with first and discuss it before you agree. You have tyour own opinions.

My guess, and it's just a guess, is the sleep problem. That can be so debilitating we never get a chance as we are always tired and restless. Our brain is just the same, worn out through working so long.

Sleep is a tough one but stabilising that must be your goal. I no longer work so I can sleep whenever I want so my erratic patterns don't really matter any more. But if you are involved in life you need regular and normal hours of sleep.

Don't expect everything to fall into place immediately but you can set yourself small goals along the way. As you achieve each one, you do it again, and again.

It's damned hard work, recovery but while you are working the illnesses are not dominating you and gradually you can get on top.

Good luck and remember, don't do anything if you don't want to. YOU are in charge, it's your body and brain, not theirs.