Depression Understood Forums

After so much loss and grief, tragedy, trauma, and my own mistakes, I have overwhelming emotional pain and also live with difficult physical pain much of the time....without the ability to get real treatment and having spent much previous time in treatment with little progress, I seem to be getting worse as time goes by. I cannot imagine anything that could potentially make life worth living again. I just want to die, but feel obligated to go on so as not to hurt my elderly mother and to be around to help her out.

My days are spent sleeping as much as possible, crying, talking to my only friend, and praying to whatever god there might be to mercifully end my life now.

I am so weary, broken, and hopeless. I don't even try much of anything anymore. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel, just the realistic probability of more bad things coming my way....like my mother's eventual death, losing my house which i cannot repair now and ending up even worse off financially.

I tried three times to get on chat but my dinosaur computer isn't cooperating today. Uggg. You know how when you have suffered some major things and are in depression even the little things feel like the end of the world?

I have basically given up, just existing barely...out of obligation.

(((((((((((((((((( shatteredhopes )))))))))))))))))

If you can, keep sharing here with us. Sending you good thoughts, hugs and prayers.

Warmie

Last week had an event where my heart was racing, although I had taken a milligram of ativan so don't think it was anxiety, and i was so light headed when I was standing up in the kitchen I thought I was going to black out. I thought I might be having a heart attack and thought good I hope it kills me. I managed to get some sleep and woke at 1:00 in the morning and did some serious thinking until 5:00 am or so. I chastised myself that if I am alive I have to keep trying to improve my life in whatever small element is within my current control. Just giving up for a long while now has gotten me no where, and I'm still alive, suffering.

So that day I called an old contact of mine I used to do volunteer work with about an idea I had long ago and had actually talked to someone else about pursuing. He was very very interested in the idea and is going to see what he can do to make this thing happen, if its possible. It would be a great thing if it works out, it truly would. Then I did a load of my piled up laundry which was seriously neglected. So I accomplished two things. Then best friend/boyfriend and I got in intense political type discussion and he ended up a bit angry, and that upset me and from there I spiraled again to the "I give ups." Have a very hard time with this bi-polar down cycles when I am never really "up" and with setbacks stopping me from building any momentum.

But today I am feeling a bit better, surprisingly as had a rather difficult night in chat and very upsetting dreams. I have concluded the light headedness was from internal ear problems which allegery meds help with and took some and feel somewhat physically better.

So tonight I am going to change my little betta fish's water (I just love him and take better care of him than I do myself) and do more laundry and maybe clean a bit. The frustrating thing with these cycles is sometimes the depression is literally like paralyzing me, so I have to do when moderately able, and that's lately a very brief window of opportunity.

But I so don't want to be someone who just gives up. Even if all I ever accomplish in my life is light a candle in another's darkness here and there and try to be a kind and decent person, that may have to be enough. My dreams of accomplishment have all died and don't know when or if I will be able to work again, but I have to try to take better care of myself and to try to do what little I can to create a life worth living, or least with enough good in it to help me endure the suffering.

I hope, I really hope that I can get a few days of accomplishing a few things without some bad event or failure on my part sending back into the down spiral. Even thinking about it now makes me sad. So I'm gunna go and hopefully get a few things done, even if its as small as doing a load of laundry.

I've just got to close my mind to the questions of "what if it never gets better than this?" "what am I gunna conceiveably do to carry on when my mom passes?" etc. and just do something simple...like laundry.

(((((((((warmie)))))))))))) thanks so much for the caring and the prayers.

(((((((((((((((( shatteredhopes )))))))))))))))

"what if it never gets better than this?"

You are a strong person, you will make what ever it is. You will go on, do what you can with what you have and do your best not to look back at all the 'what ifs". The 'ifs' can be a blessing or a burden. We just don't know until we face our tomorrows.
I'll
Find
Strength

"what am I gunna conceiveably do to carry on when my mom passes?"

You will, with the grace of God, make it. I did. You will cry, your heart will break a bit more, you will seem lost at times and you will cry some more. You will moan for her but you will remember. While you still have her, love her, make memories, make smiles and lots of hugs. Don't let the inevitable destroy the present time.

You have us, a family here and in the chat room to stand strong with you, never forget that.

Warmie

(((((((warmie))))))))) thank you so much!

Tonight I went with someone to dinner. It was awkward as I tried to stress just as friends but wasn't sure if he was thinking more along date lines. Anyway, he talked a lot and I felt extremely uncomfortable and the restaurant was loud and I felt so self-conscious. I am finding it harder and harder to socialize which is why I forced myself to go.

My confidence is shot. I used to be a very social person with many friends and now most of my 'friends' are people I don't truly know except anonymously over the internet. I am isolating far too much. I feel so stupid and inept even in talking about things I used to know a lot about and have confidence in conversing about with people.

It makes me very uncomfortable when people don't let me speak and go on long 'rants' about a particular topic like they are lecturing to me, whether I agree with what they are saying or not. It seems like it was that way tonight and I felt extremely uncomfortable. I know the person was just trying to be helpful and encouraging but it really freaked me out, so much I cannot sleep tonight.

Often I no longer feel comfortable speaking my mind in person, which is ironic because I used to be so opinionated and passionate about my viewpoints. I am withdrawing more and more.

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up I am so afraid of being hurt again, I would rather just hide. I know that's not healthy, and there are good people in the world. But it seems the only way I can open up is the semi-anonymity of the computer screen.

(((( shatteredhopes )))), I'd just like to lend my agreement to what (((( Warmie )))) said in the post before yours.
I'm sorry that you're feeling as you are. I have times like that, when I find it hard not to feel that I'm losing ground on most fronts.
However, I would implore you not to give up, be kind to yourself by all means, always, engage in a few " tactical retreats " for the moment if you need to, I often do when my confidence and energy are low and I need to " lick my wounds ", but please don't give up on yourself and the world entirely. You and your thoughts and wisdom WOULD be missed. ( And, I speak as one of the most grateful recipients of both your words and wisdom. Seriously, " Geek's Honour " ! )
Just one final thought. Sometimes when people seem as if they are " lecturing " to you, it may well be possible that the " lecture " issues from their own defensiveness and insecurity, rather than anything directed at you. When I'm uncomfortable at work, I do have a tendency to pre-empt something I think my manager might say, by saying it myself and then explaining why it isn't true. It's a defensive trait I have, directed at my employers not my manager.
Take care (((( shatteredhopes )))), may Saint David, ( The patron saint of Wales. ) watch over you!

<<<<shattered>>>>I can identify with your comment about to going to bed and not go wanting to get up and then the next morning comes and you grudgingly start the cycle over.But you have hope so things aren't that bAd

I am overcome with resentment, sadness, hopelessness...I am ashamed to admit it, but as much as I love my mother, I sort of resent that she needs my help because if she didn't maybe I could end my life. I always thought all life had value, but now I just feel like a burden to society. I just want to give up. I just want my life to be over.

I tried so so so hard so many times to start over, but the setbacks and obstacles and hurts and injustices I have suffered as well as my own stupid mistakes have left me in ruins.

I just want to die, but feel obligated to live. Even on my better days I pray to whatever god there might be to end my life now.

As time passes, I am getting worse. I see no realistic way to make things better and have no hope anymore for a miracle.

I wouldn't wish mental illness on even my worst enemies.

((((((((Hopes))))))) Thinking of you. Life does have value, just sometimes we have to search for other value than what we think we had. I'm glad you are still here. That you are still talking to us. You aren't a burden. I've watched you talk, and help people here. And I know we don't feel that you are a burden and we'd do anything we could to help.

Everyone makes mistakes, and noone always gets things right the first time. It's all the mistakes, the trial and errors that make us appreciate it more when it's finally right.

Maybe part of your resentment towards your mom is that in caring for her so much, and her needing your help is frustrating, because what you really need right now is someone to help you. It can be draining to care for someone else. Maybe take some time, and pamper yourself. Its not the same as someone else caring I know, but taking the time, and caring for yourself, and doing something you normally wouldn't may help. It could be something simple, but just something that makes you feel relaxed.

Thinking of you.

hollyann

(((((((((((((((( shatteredhopes )))))))))))))))))))

All that Holly and TackingIntoTheWind said, I agree.

Perhaps, in your heart, you see what is happening with your mother and you can't stop it. You want her better, in your life and it is so hard to see a parent suffer in any way. As a child, she was always there for you, a rock, now the roles are reverse and it is hard for a child to become the 'rock'.

Don't give up on yourself, we all care and are here for you in whatever way we can be.

Warmie

((((((((hollyann))))))))) thank you so much. Your comments were helpful and insightful, and I and I know others in the forum and chat appreciate you so much.

I had a rough night, couldn't sleep and just left stewing in my head over everything. I am so tired of this cycle of depression and anxiety with very few windows of "okay." I feel so useless. My friend I called a while back, or more of an aquaintance really, seemed to like my idea but nothing came of it and I guess he's not gunna pursue it. I'm tired of being disappointed so I've stopped trying. Its so hard to gear up to do something only to fail or get hurt. I've lost just too much and been through too much.

You know one thing I really resent? If you call 911 here because you need to go to the hospital because you are mentally ill and suicidal, they send the police, not an ambulance the police. They put you in handcuffs and parade you in shackles through the hospital waiting room then put you in a hospital room with a deputy for 4 hours before you can get real treatment. One time I walked to the doorway and said "Can I get some medical treatment?" So the deputy turned nasty and handcuffed me to the bed. As if there isn't enough stigma associated with mental illness, when you most need and seek help they treat you like a criminal. Its humiliating and hurtful.

You know another thing I resent? That in the state mental hospital almost all of the human rights guaranteed me in the substantial portion of the regulations were violated in my case, traumatizing me further when I was most vulnerable and needing help. Then, when I filed a human rights claim, only to have the substantial portion of it ignored, upon the final appeal the board covered the whole thing up with the attorney general's office representing the administrator who claimed he invested my claim. But neither I nor my lawyer ever got any results of any investigation, and he never took me up on my offer to identify staff involved in the violations, so I know he couldn't have investigated. The doctor who "treated" or rather "mistreated" me lied in the hearing on tape to cover her butt. Some of the records I swear were doctored. But I am mentally ill so no one takes me seriously, I am dismissed for ad hominem reasons and was too traumatized by it all to file criminal and civil action within the statute of limitations. So now, they are free to do what they did to me to countless others, and get away with it.

I think about my former companion animals all the time. I worry about what happend to them and hate my brother and former sponsor for not at least caring enough about me to let me know if they are okay or were euthanized or letting me say goodbye to them. Between poverty and mental illness, they were being neglected. I fed them and sold my jewelry and did without to get their prescriptions, but could no longer afford grooming and wasn't able to do it myself. So I made the painful decision to ask my brother if he would take one and help me find a breed rescue society for two of them. This broke my heart, and my brother was nasty to me about trying to downsize to be more manageable, ending up in my complete breakdown, I was so upset. So they come and take them all when I am in the hosptial, and I haven't been able to recover since.

I think about those in political circles who stabbed me in the back when I was just trying to participate in the political process and get myself together at the same time. I tried repeatedly to volunteer for things and get involved and get myself together, but I'm just too fragile for some of the cruel people I have encountered and faced too many failures on my own part.

I have regular nightmares about my ex husband. Always I am warning people about him and no one listens to me. The thing that really hurts is that I tried to warn people I thought he was a child molestor, and was dismissed because of my PTSD. Now he's serving 18 years in prison, my life is ruined, the poor child's life was devestated. I get regular calls from collection agencies looking for him. One told me he gave them my number. I guess that was his payback for my cooperation with the FBI, along with leaving debts fraudulently in my name.

I don't know why my boss turned on me at work and kept changing things like work schedule and flex time that had accommodated my illness and allowed me to work. Doing everyone else's performance review, but not mine and when I asked about it weeks later, she yelled at me. I would do work she needed to approve or sign off on and it would sit in her box week after week and if I asked the status I was reprimanded. And you know what really hurts? After I had to leave because I just couldn''t handle it anymore, she proceeded to drive the organization I loved into the ground, bankrupting it.

There's so so so much more I have endured over the last 7 or so years. With my ex-boyfriend, I finally thought well at least I will have him, I loved him so much, and a life with him would still be worth living, and maybe I could endure. But he was like jekyl and hyde in the way he treated me and dumped me rather harshly in the end, and it was just the last straw.

I used to try to write to have a hobby and hopefully resteer myself toward a new career, now I can't even do that and my dinosaur computer won't allow me on the website where I tried to start writing. I tried to get on a website for local activism on behalf of the mentally ill, again computer wouldn't allow me.

I used to want to make a difference in the world and was so passionate about policy issues locally, nationally, and internationally. But now I realize my voice is just more noise as far as most are concerned and I am a nobody in a nowhere town with no money no power no influence so I cannot achieve anything. I've tried enough and been dismissed and hurt and attacked enough to just give up.

People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But in my case, it has made me progressively weaker and left me broken.

I contemplate suicide even on my best days. Life just hurts and while there are good people doing good things for the most part I see this as a horrible hopeless world and don't want to be part of it any longer.

Thank you for your suggestion ((((((((((hollyann)))))))))) to take care of myself. My mom loaned me "The King's Speech" and later maybe I'll watch it.

((((((((warmie))))))))) thank you. we were posting at the same time.

(((( shatteredhopes )))), I'm really so intensely sorry that you're having to feel and experience all that you have felt and experienced, all that you are still having to cope with. I'm acutely aware that as I haven't, ( By the Grace of God ), experienced what you have experienced, there is little practical help or advice that I can really give you.
However, I very much want to reinforce what (((( hollyann )))) and (((( warmsoul )))) said about your value as a person, an individual, a UNIQUE human being.
Your voice is NOT " just more noise ", You've made more of a difference than you know, I think. I've been impressed and inspired by your interest in issues and your advocacy for those issues. I'm not anybody powerful or influential myself, but you've helped to encourage me to hang on to an interest in the world, and " tilt at some windmills " that I might not otherwise have had the courage to do.
In fact, your stubborn, ( and that's VERY high praise from a Welshman!!!! ), advocacy of local issues has helped bolster my own spirits and sense of ding to stand up and be counted. The British Government is currently driving through a massive programme of job and service cuts, and your example of someone who does get involved and fights their corner, has encouraged me to grit my teeth and do the same. I hate " confrontations ", I hate attracting attention, but I have done what I could to support those of my co-workers who have felt conscience-bound to challenge the way things are done at work. I was even on the union pickets lines for a short while yesterday, helping with the latest protest aimed at preserving pay, conditions and services. ( Having thus inspired me with your example, every strike and protest in my workplace will be partly your fault from now on... )
Seriously though, the world IS a better place for you being in it. ( And, I say that on my honour as a geek!!!! )

(((((((((((tacking))))))))))) thank you so much. I admire you so much, for continuing to work despite mental illness, for continuing to fight the good fight despite the overwhelming odds, for always being so kind and humorous. You are a treasure.

(((((((Hopes)))))))) You are not useless. You are just hurting. I know cycles are hard, and sometimes its hard to want to get back up when it is a continous cycle. It's easy to say what is the point if I am only going to get back down again. I have bipolar, so its something I've come to dread, even being okay when I know what happens when not being okay. The trick for me, has been to take it as it is. Each as just what it is. If I handle it as it comes, instead of dreading my okay moments it seems to help. I don't know if it would help you but it might.

I understand your resentment, and you shouldn't have been treated that way. My own personal experience in a psych ward was a bad one. However, I've known to other people and visited them while they were in the hospital, so I keep telling myself that they aren't all like that. Lke in anything, there are some bad ones and some good ones both. I'm so sorry you had to deal with a bad one.

And I undrstand not being able to prusue things. Depression can wear a person down. I didnt prusue things when fema told me no. And a lot of people don't have prusue being told no for disability, because it takes a toll on a person. I'm sorry your window of opportunity passed. Sooner or later they won't get away with it. And you took a very courageous step. Some people wouldn't have even been able to do what you did. I know I wasn't able to when I had my run in with a bad hospital and doctor.

(((((Hopes)))))) Im so sorry about your animals. I know it's hard to let them go. It was wrong of the way it was handled but maybe they honestly thought it would be easier on you not to say good bye to them. I know it wasn't but not everyone knows or able to realize just how deeply our animals become our family. Your brother shouldn't have been so nasty to you.

I know that you are saying your idea got nowhere, but it isn't because you failed. Your friend didn't have the courage, maybe had their own issues or fears that they couldn't make it come to pass. Its not your fault. Maybe this person just wasn't right for it. And someone else might just be. Take the music industry for example. One song may be a potential hit for someone and yet a total dud for someone else. It doesn't mean that the song is bad. A lot of it is if the person can follow through and deliever it. I believe your idea was good. Just doesn't have the right person to deliever it yet.

I am sorry about the nightmares about your exhusband. Do you mind me asking, are they mixed? Meaning some of what actually did happen, and some of what you might be afraid of happening? Have you kept a dream journal, sometimes that helps people who have nightmares. Also if they are about the future, or things you fear might happen to do with him. Maybe try keeping a then and now list. How things were then, how they are different now. And what about you that is different now, and measures that you have taken to know it won't happen again. Keep the list by your bed. I know when coming out of a nightmare its not always easy to get your bearings, and the effects can carry over into waking up. So if you keep the list by your bed. You can look at it, while you are waiting for it, and you have something tangible, in writing that you can look at and keep telling yourself until you become more clear.

Sometimes people are unable to believe the bad about people. They can't get their minds around it. They can't allow themselves to believe it. It doesn't go along in the safe little bubble they create around them. The thing is though at the end of the day you ae going to bed, knowing I did what I could, I tried to warn them, but they wouldn't listen. They are going to bed, sayng I wish I would have listened to her. The child's life has taken a turn, and yes what happened is devestating. It shouldn't happen to anyone. But maybe the child will eventually use what he/she had to endure. And help someone else going through the same thing. Maybe have more compassion.

Politics can be very mean. And yes like many other fields a lot of backstabbers, sometimes more so because people are taught to think that its the only way to get ahead in that business. Try not to look at what you've started and stopped in the past as failures, but as baby steps. Youre not failing just taking one step at a time. Just some of the stones are spaced a little further apart than the ones before.

As far as computers go, this is just a suggestion, I don't know your financial situation or how big of a town that you are in but I've been able to find computers dirt cheap at goodwills before. It might be an option.

Your voice is never just more noise here. It comes in loud and clear, and a lot stronger than you are thinking. The world is not hopeless as long as there are people out there thinking it can change, and trying to see that it does. Sometimes we don't realize that by even making a difference to one person. Sometimes its enough difference to them, that they can go out and impact on a larger scale.You make a difference, and while sometimes you may not know it, there is often a ripple affect, and what you do to encourage someone, may just be the reason why that person and reaches out and encourages someone else.

I know you feel broken. I am so sorry that you do, and so sorry that you hurt so much. I know each time it can be like another peice of you gets broken off. And that you aren't who you were. Just when you think of how broken, I dont know if it will help you, but when I do, I just always try to remember a stained glass window. Pieces of broken glass that come together to make something new and wonderful. Each thing youve been though, each time you've felt broken, you're just getting more pieces together to make something beautiful. You'll get there. I know you will.

Hugs, thoughts are with you. I hope this helps some. Let me know how that movie turns out.

hollyann

I feel similarly sometimes as the title of this thread, but after reading the many positive responses, I can perk up--even if just a little...!!


(((((((((((((( everyone!! )))))))))))))))))))))))