Incapable of being happy

[BrokenPen]

Recently a very interesting question occurred to me. What I am incapable of being happy?

This occurred to me at several points. One of them was because of living with this disease of depression, this heart palpitation of the mind. Of course I can smile and laugh every now and then but really I can't seem to make happiness last.

Then again, someone I knew once commented that it probably isn't happiness that I'm looking for it's contentment.

Another point where I started to wonder about this is because each time I try to attain happiness it is somehow yanked away from me. Almost as if I'm not supposed to be happy.

And once again I keep looking for shortcuts to the end.

[Brownie21]

I don't know how to be happy either. It's seems like I just get bye. I am never happy for any length of time. Right now nothing keeps my interest. I am fixated on death and dying and I can't do anything. All I did was sleep today basically. I got new medicine, Cymbalta and I am upping my Seroquel but nothing appears to be helping right now. I don't what I am going to do.

Sorry to hijack the thread, just saying I know how you feel.

[BrokenPen]

I don't know how to be happy either. It's seems like I just get bye. I am never happy for any length of time. Right now nothing keeps my interest. I am fixated on death and dying and I can't do anything. All I did was sleep today basically. I got new medicine, Cymbalta and I am upping my Seroquel but nothing appears to be helping right now. I don't what I am going to do.

Sorry to hijack the thread, just saying I know how you feel.

Yup and it really is rotten.

What's worse is that you tell people this and their answer usually is "That's life."

[Obayan]

When we try so hard to obtain happiness, it's usually found just outside our reach. I believe the reason that is, is because it's not in front of us. It's inside of us. It's born thru peace and is nurtured thru contentment. We are all capable of finding happiness and good days. However, we deep down inside feel we don't deserve it. So we subconsciously sabotage those good times. I did this for many years. Sabotaging the good times because every time it was good all i did was sit around nervous and anxious about the bad i knew had to follow it. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to be loved. I couldn't stand waiting for the bad that I just knew would follow the good. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helped me to recognise what I was doing and find other ways to do things. I hope this helps you in some way.

[crystalgaze]

Hi BP + Brownie21! Nice to see you again (as always).

I think there actually is a way to be happy.... It may sound a bit odd. My questions to you both are:

What is it exactly that you want? What do you think will make you happy? Of all that you think will make you happy, which is the most important to you?

Regarding shortcuts, perhaps it is better to just take the long route or the scenic route? Maybe by taking the shortcut there is something being missed that you are supposed to see?

My happiness started with me, though, so now I am happier. I try not to look to outside things to make me happy. What I look to the outside things for is to make me happier. I don't know if that makes much sense....

I will say that I found my "happiness" quite by accident in terms of a relationship. I was angry that day. I was depressed that day. In short, I was going through some stuff. No one I had called was available. I had needed a pair of shoes & went into the shoe store. That day, I had dressed up a little more than usual & wore a little dress. (I don't often wear dresses because I don't usually find something I like or that isn't too gaudy.)

Now, I've said all I've said to say that: I was able to find that extra happiness because somehow I was prepared. You have to find out what your 'preparation' entails, since it may be different for you (as a guy + also just different altogether). It was a long search + journey, though. Also, just because I've found extra happiness, I still must work hard to keep it.


Just some thoughts.... Take care!

[BrokenPen]

Hi BP + Brownie21! Nice to see you again (as always).

I think there actually is a way to be happy.... It may sound a bit odd. My questions to you both are:

What is it exactly that you want? What do you think will make you happy? Of all that you think will make you happy, which is the most important to you?

Regarding shortcuts, perhaps it is better to just take the long route or the scenic route? Maybe by taking the shortcut there is something being missed that you are supposed to see?

My happiness started with me, though, so now I am happier. I try not to look to outside things to make me happy. What I look to the outside things for is to make me happier. I don't know if that makes much sense....

I will say that I found my "happiness" quite by accident in terms of a relationship. I was angry that day. I was depressed that day. In short, I was going through some stuff. No one I had called was available. I had needed a pair of shoes & went into the shoe store. That day, I had dressed up a little more than usual & wore a little dress. (I don't often wear dresses because I don't usually find something I like or that isn't too gaudy.)

Now, I've said all I've said to say that: I was able to find that extra happiness because somehow I was prepared. You have to find out what your 'preparation' entails, since it may be different for you (as a guy + also just different altogether). It was a long search + journey, though. Also, just because I've found extra happiness, I still must work hard to keep it.


Just some thoughts.... Take care!

It's nice to see you too crystal and I appreciate your addition to this.

Though to answer your question about what makes me happy....to be honest I can't really think of anything. Maybe that's why I'm incapable of being happy because nothing really does make me happy.

As far as what I said about shortcuts, I was thinking of a more permanent and final end. I have to use euphemisms because this forum won't let me use the real word I want to use.

[Brownie21]

I have things that keep me happy for a time. As you can tell by my pic/avatar I am an NHL fan, Flyers, they keep my mind off things. I'm also a big movie buff as well.

My problem is that I worry about life and death. And death is nothing I can change. Right now I am trying to find ways to help comfort myself or alleviate my fears. Like getting books on the subject, I got one and it wasn't what I was looking for. I ordered another today and this may be the one that helps me. I am trying to get more things to keep my mind off of things but it's a gradual process.

My therapist, God bless her, is willing to call me every day to see how I am.
I have to focus on the positive right now which is hard but I am trying. I have to choose to be positive and today, so far, I've done that.

[BrokenPen]

I have things that keep me happy for a time. As you can tell by my pic/avatar I am an NHL fan, Flyers, they keep my mind off things. I'm also a big movie buff as well.

My problem is that I worry about life and death. And death is nothing I can change. Right now I am trying to find ways to help comfort myself or alleviate my fears. Like getting books on the subject, I got one and it wasn't what I was looking for. I ordered another today and this may be the one that helps me. I am trying to get more things to keep my mind off of things but it's a gradual process.

My therapist, God bless her, is willing to call me every day to see how I am.
I have to focus on the positive right now which is hard but I am trying. I have to choose to be positive and today, so far, I've done that.

I can certainly understand that but currently it seems like there's very little to be positive about.

[crystalgaze]

For you B_Pen, I believe that there is something that will make you happy. Maybe you haven't found it yet? Just a thought. Continue on, I really believe there will be something for you. (Just my gut feeling)

Also, I just want to take this moment to say be careful with your thoughts so as not to be stuck in a cycle that is causing you grief.

((((((((( Broken Pen )))))))))))))


For you Brownie, books may help. What helped me is refocusing on life. Every time I got a death moment or death wish or death thought, I kept throwing them out & telling them 'no'. When I got it, I would stop immediately & tackle it. Since you like football, just think of one of your favorite players tackling the crap out of what gives you grief. A funny image like that may help get you through the tough moments.

Sometimes I had like a mantra I would say to myself, from "It's okay./It's going to be okay." to "There's nothing I can do about that, so I will focus on something else." to whatever you need to say to yourself to comfort yourself. It may be best to think of some mantras to help you defeat the death prompts when you are not actively triggered.

You can do it! (for us all)

Take care. ((((((((((( Brownie21 ))))))))))))))

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( crystalgaze ))))))))))))))

A smile, a hug and a thank you.

Warmie

[Brownie21]

Every time I got a death moment or death wish or death thought, I kept throwing them out & telling them 'no'.

Trust me I have no death wish and I am not suicidal. I am very scared of dying. And that translates to being scared of living. That whatever I do may hurt me or along those lines. My parents are understanding and luckily I still live with them. They don't understand my depression but they are helping me get through it day by day. Same with brother.

[BrokenPen]

Every time I got a death moment or death wish or death thought, I kept throwing them out & telling them 'no'.

Trust me I have no death wish and I am not suicidal. I am very scared of dying. And that translates to being scared of living. That whatever I do may hurt me or along those lines. My parents are understanding and luckily I still live with them. They don't understand my depression but they are helping me get through it day by day. Same with brother.

YOu're quite lucky to have understanding parents and such.

My family's attitude is "You're stuck with it."

[crystalgaze]

Well, Brownie I think that that image of your favorite football player coming in & tackling your fear that keeps trying to eat you up might still help.

I did not originally have a death wish. Mine started out just as yours did. FEAR of it. Very crippling fear, unable to sleep at night kind of thing. It then transformed itself about three times.

First came fear. Then came the wish or dare. Last came an idea of being a champion for it or bringer. It really was a very dark, twisted, long nightmare that spanned many years. (That's about from childhood 10/11 years old to just a few years ago 24 yrs of age or so.)

The end of it came when I asked it to leave & kept asking it to go away whenever the ideas bothered me. It was pretty nasty.

[Brownie21]

Well, Brownie I think that that image of your favorite football player coming in & tackling your fear that keeps trying to eat you up might still help.

Though I do like football, hockey is my sport. Seeing one of the Flyers check my fear of death into the cheap seats is a good image. Luckily both the NFL Eagles and NHL Flyers play today. Should keep my mind off things for a while. I am just trying to stay busy whether it's on here playing Scrabble which is good for getting the synapses going or playing a video game, I do what I can to make it through the day.

Broken, I'm sorry your family is like that with you. I'm here for you if need me.

[bellz]

new here, but even when I think oh I think I just smiled, or I think I feel happy, then I think to myself, but its not going to last, the darkness is going to come. It never lasts. You are right, self sabotage, but I cannot help it.