Depression Understood Forums

In addition to my own mistakes, failings, and defects....I have been a victim of forces well beyond my control, be they earthly or metaphysical. In the scheme of things, I am a nobody, in a nowhere town, with no money, no power, no influence, mentally ill and seemingly broken beyond repair. I am an easy target for the less than scrupulous and disposable by societal standards.

I am simply collateral damage. The decline of western civilization, the broken mental health system, stepping into horrific things in the world in my own "once upon a time" true believerism, along with my humanness, leaving me with basically nothing.

No meaning anymore. No way to tame the pain. I tried to make a difference. To leave the world better than I found it. I've spent the last year and few months talking about myself and trying to help others what little I could if only cope for the moment. I don't know what to do anymore.

I am afraid of the hospital given a traumatic experience I had that was like a parallel universe version of "One flew over the cuckoo's nest." At best, my multiple hospitalizations were just a temporary band-aid, doing nothing for my long term recovery. I am too poor for the good hospitals anyway. So I just try to cope as best I can day to day, moment to moment. All I am able to accomplish really is not drinking and not ending my life. I really wonder, has too much happened for me to be able to function somewhat normally ever again? At what point am I just a burden to society? What could ever, ever make life worth living and enduring again after what I've been through and seen?

Trauma and tragedy and just plain ol' hurt. Some by my own hand, some at the hands of others, and some just the unfairness of life and circumstances beyond my control. I feel such utter hopelessness. I once saw too much...too much of the horror of reality and the underpinnings of society and a very dark side of human existence. I have lost my faith, which used to give a sense of peace that all would be okay. I don't try anything anymore. I have just given up, barely existing, and not knowing why I should or why I do continue to go on. I have lost my faith in humankind. Even good people do bad things, often thinking they are doing the right thing. We are such a tragically flawed species.

What haunts me is to paraphrase that all that is required for the bad to win is for the good people to do nothing. I want to fight, but now know how completely futile it is and am so weakened by what I have been through I cannot take on any more battles or any more hurt or injustice heaped upon me, or accept my own failures and defects and inability to achieve anything worthwhile.

I am utterly broken and see no way to be repaired or repair myself. I have lost all faith in the mental health system, after numerous troubling episodes and after trying so many different things for so long.

I pray to whatever God there might possibly be to end my life now, amid prayers of gratitude and prayers for blessings for those who hurt me. But, if there is a God, I have concluded that God cannot or will not intervene in human affairs for the most part, and if anything is controlling reality, it is indeed a monster.

I now look at my former faith as truly naive. I have had a taste of truth, and it is absolutely horrifying. It is so very hard to have the courage to stand for what is right despite what it costs us. I no longer have the will to fight in me.

shatteredhopes,i want so much to express to you how much i want to help relieve your pain and what a valuable and loved person you are but words are failing me lately. I hope it will be something to send you vibes of love and peace and healing. just live one moment at a time for now,when you are this unwell that's all you can do, and do whatever you can for yourself to bring any small pleasures into your day - your baths, your movies... you are worth it! try to come on the forum more often if you can to express your feelings and to have some interaction with people here who care about you. you have been much missed!

Lisa xx

Hi S-hopes! I'm so sorry you are feeling so down right now.

I will say something, but I'm not sure if it's going to make much sense. In my short life so far, I've found that I'm really not sure how or when life takes on meaning & purpose. Since that's what I see, I've just decided not to bother with it for it to stress me out royally.

Oddly enough, I am not in this world to change it drastically. The world is such a big place. I think I would have to have luck on my side. Where I try to make a difference is with the people I come in contact with--whether it is online or offline.

It's true that I don't always let people too close, but part of it is that I'm just plain clumsy in those circumstances. I believe that where a good bit of human beings can truly make a difference is in how we "touch" people. I can say with great certainty that you have "touched" many people -- from responses on the forum here to in your real life to in the chat room, etc. I've seen it for myself.

You are always worthy, worthwhile & worth something. We all are. I think it's the how & the what exactly & the why that''s the puzzle, as well as if we will see it for ourselves.

Also, you are always somebody. The same goes for me. I may not know exactly what & who all the time, but I'm always somebody--through good days or not so good ones.

As for faith, the only thing I can say about that is to take away from it what you can &/or that works for you and/or you think is right. Are you open to trying a different faith?

I don't practice any particular thing, but I do feel I am spiritual, maybe like it's innate or inherent for me. It's one of those things I can't really explain. I could say it's in my aura.

Do not lose HOPE!! & the hope is not necessarily in the world or in other people but really for ourselves. It's our own personal hope.... Maybe what I mean is hope in life.... hope in the universe.... hope in positive energy.... hope in nature.... etc.

Now, may I ask: Did something trigger you? Has something happened lately in your life?

Please do take care!