Another day
Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 10:26 am
Well it's 3.14 am, and after 2 hours of browsing the forums, I feel brave enough to post.
My day?
Scary and stressful.
A stranger wouldn't guess I'm screaming and terrified on the inside. My flatmates don't understand how big of a deal it is for me to leave the house. I can't attend lectures anymore, and my friends don't know how to help. And I don't know how to help myself anymore.
Today I left my bed twice, until I had to go to work. Getting myself there is motivated by having to pay rent, insurance, laptop payments, various bills. If I can't support myself, I've failed. But I like work most of the time. Thats not to say I enjoy myself there all the time, but it's a small bar, I'm the sole bartender, and I mostly make drinks and sometimes smalltalk.
And every shift I say to myself 'I can do this, I AM doing this, and tomorrow night, I'll do this again.'
After work I missed a 22nd birthday party. The girls all know whats going on, and weren't surprised when I couldn't make it.
All I want is a little bit of hope - It's getting harder and harder to 'fake it 'til I make it' - nay impossible the past 2 weeks.
I feel comforted reading this thread and seeing that the days of others are sometimes similar to mine.
Until who knows when, I'll keep being forcefully positive, and patient of those who think I'm lazy, ridiculous or a lost cause.
My day?
Scary and stressful.
A stranger wouldn't guess I'm screaming and terrified on the inside. My flatmates don't understand how big of a deal it is for me to leave the house. I can't attend lectures anymore, and my friends don't know how to help. And I don't know how to help myself anymore.
Today I left my bed twice, until I had to go to work. Getting myself there is motivated by having to pay rent, insurance, laptop payments, various bills. If I can't support myself, I've failed. But I like work most of the time. Thats not to say I enjoy myself there all the time, but it's a small bar, I'm the sole bartender, and I mostly make drinks and sometimes smalltalk.
And every shift I say to myself 'I can do this, I AM doing this, and tomorrow night, I'll do this again.'
After work I missed a 22nd birthday party. The girls all know whats going on, and weren't surprised when I couldn't make it.
All I want is a little bit of hope - It's getting harder and harder to 'fake it 'til I make it' - nay impossible the past 2 weeks.
I feel comforted reading this thread and seeing that the days of others are sometimes similar to mine.
Until who knows when, I'll keep being forcefully positive, and patient of those who think I'm lazy, ridiculous or a lost cause.