Another day

[mpal050]

Well it's 3.14 am, and after 2 hours of browsing the forums, I feel brave enough to post.

My day?
Scary and stressful.

A stranger wouldn't guess I'm screaming and terrified on the inside. My flatmates don't understand how big of a deal it is for me to leave the house. I can't attend lectures anymore, and my friends don't know how to help. And I don't know how to help myself anymore.

Today I left my bed twice, until I had to go to work. Getting myself there is motivated by having to pay rent, insurance, laptop payments, various bills. If I can't support myself, I've failed. But I like work most of the time. Thats not to say I enjoy myself there all the time, but it's a small bar, I'm the sole bartender, and I mostly make drinks and sometimes smalltalk.

And every shift I say to myself 'I can do this, I AM doing this, and tomorrow night, I'll do this again.'

After work I missed a 22nd birthday party. The girls all know whats going on, and weren't surprised when I couldn't make it.

All I want is a little bit of hope - It's getting harder and harder to 'fake it 'til I make it' - nay impossible the past 2 weeks.

I feel comforted reading this thread and seeing that the days of others are sometimes similar to mine.

Until who knows when, I'll keep being forcefully positive, and patient of those who think I'm lazy, ridiculous or a lost cause.

[Obayan]

When you begin to isolate, it becomes easier and easier to close ourselves off. The longer you allow it to go on, the harder it will be to break it. Please keep trying. Even if it's just going into the hallway for a few minutes. Then the next day, into the other room. And so on.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hello mpal050,

Good to see you posting in the forums. It is a good supportive site and such caring people, supporting from their hearts. I hope you find the comfort and friendship here for you.

Welcome to the forums, also there is a chat room connected with this forum, might consider going in and chatting with others that do understand your thoughts and feelings, and live them themselves.

Warmsoul