Depression Understood Forums

So last night I pretty much decided I'd had enough.
Left a goodbye note in my room and went for a short but nervous walk to a pre scouted secluded location. There was a technical hitch when setting up though and I couldnt find a way to put everything together properly.
It was really frustrating and annoying but I figure I failed at everything else in life why should this be any different.

The plan itself I thought was fairly sound but a minor detail messed up the execution of it, anyway after quite a bit of trying I realised it wasnt going to work, so for lack of a better idea I figured I'd make a quick retreat home to prevent the note being found and the repercussions that might bring.

I'm suprised at how calm I was throughout it all stone cold sober and only a little nervous, I was really frustrated when it didn't work but on the walk home I didnt really feel anything at all apart from fear of being caught out.

Call a hotline. Call a doctor. Tell those around you what is going on. Please.

Your life isn't over yet. I'm sure you don't fail at EVERYTHING! (Look... You just wrote & expressed yourself very well.)

Work on the positive things! You can do it!


((((((((((((((( Justin ))))))))))))))))))))))))

don't give up hon. ((( justin )))

Well I ended up trying it again with a slight refinement to the plan which didnt work either, this time I wasnt as resolved as the previous time though.

I just can't take the pain physical and mental, I've lost the anility to do all the things I loved in life even just little things like eating and drinking are a real struggle for me now, I know I'm going to lose my job and I'm going to have to start all over again only this time with nothing to enjoy in life and in constant pain.

I called the mental health team in my town and talked with a member of staff about what happened, I actually laughed when I was describing how I'd failed to set things up twice.

They've dealt with me before once for suicide attempts when I was younger and more recently this year when I was going down from malnutrition and was set on ending it but narrowly avoided it.

I have ups and downs, sometimes I'm like I can do this! and other times I think about everything I've lost and everything I'm up against and its like man I just want to be gone from this place forever.

So, what is going to happen now? Are they going to help you?

I'm seeing someone tomorrow and after that they'll set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist for next week.

Okay! That's good! (((((((((((((( Justin )))))))))))))))))))))

I'm really proud of you for seeking help and i hope life becomes more bearable for you soon

I'm not sure its going to matter. I don't really want to fight it anymore, at the moment I'm using my last tiny reserves to hang in for other peoples sake.

Well I went in today and talked to two female staff at the mental health unit.
Talking about it honestly and frankly made me feel a little better, they were so concerned they rang the psychiatrist to ask him what should be done and he came right in to see me.

He talked with me a little, I didnt really get that much from talking to him, I guess he was mainly there to assess me further and write a prescription for me. I asked if it would be possible to get mirtazapine as I'd heard it can be beneficial for my gastroparesis.

So now I'm armed with a script for mirtazapine I'm going to see him again in two weeks time and the staff will ring me again tommorow and also organise a permanent case worker for me.

That's a start sweetie.