Deep darkness

[xn728]

part of the trick is to make you hate yourself lisa ,,just the demon playing its games ,,please see past those bad thoughts merely ,tricks in you mind
some time soon you will come out of this very dark episode ,and you will feel ok again ,,i really do believe this lisa ,,oh yes you may think god hes some need to talk ,,i know ive had many bad deep depressions when , like you have thought bad things as an escape ,,but i do always know i will get better ,,look at me now ,,never felt this good since i was kicking hell up in my late teens ,,but im living it for all its worth ,,if i fall tommorrow lisa ,,yes i will cry out in pain ,,but behind that pain will be the knowing that it will pass ,,,i wish you knew how much ,i worried about you lisa ,,and all my freinds ,,sometimes i get so angry i could scream out loud ,because i cant help you ,,but then maybe i do ,you said to see words on here when your feeling down helps ,,i know that feeling to ,,,
stay safe lisa ,im watching and waiting ,and i will see the words ,,im feeling a little better today ,,,and i will be over the moon ,,,you will say them lisa ,,you will,, hugs (((((lisa))))),,lots of love ken xxxx

[lisalou]

I'm just exhausted from the cycles of it all,knowing that everytime i think things are a little better i will crash a thousand times harder. I haven't been able to shower today. The sun is shining but it is just an irritation. On top of everything else, one of our beloved cats has disappeared. we haven't seen her since yesterday and have been out calling for her and asking our neighbours. I am so depressed at the moment though it almost doesnt register,it's like my mind has lost the capacity for normal worries and emotions

[xn728]

im sure the cat will return lisa ,,weve had cats all our lives ,,big fat ginger who died last year at the age of 20 ,,,was always going awol,,fran and the girls would walk round looking for her for days ,,,then would get all upset after they couldent find her ,,then the big lump would be sat in the garden next thing we know ,,looking like the sun shone out of her arse ,,,,as for you lisa im thinking of you flower ,,it makes me so sad to see you looking all sad ,,im sorry lisa ,,,hugs for now (((((lisa))))),,,,keep yourself safe no matter what ,,,lots of love ken xxx

[lisalou]

well pixie has turned up,lying in our bedroom completely limp and unable to move her legs. we just took her to the emergency vet and they couldn't work out what had happened but nothing is broken or paralysed,just tender in her back legs,she has had a pain-killer injection and most importantly a nice saucer of gravy from me when we got in! what a relief. i'm surprised at how well i coped. sometimes there is nothing like a crisis to make you step out of your depression for a bit

[xn728]

ahhh lisa good girl for copeing so well ,,when something like this happens its amazing how all thoughts of pain seem to leave us ,,,glad pixie is ok ,,hope your feeling not to bad ,,hugs for now (((((lisa))))),,,,,hope to see you later love kenny pop ,xxx

[Mich]

I'm glad Pixie (love that name!) is okay but I still worry about you. My husband always asks what triggers my really bad episodes too and I also never have an answer for him. Please keep the faith and know that this horrid feeling will subside. I know it is absolute torture getting through it. Can I encourage you to try to shower today? When I was in hospital they really pushed me to shower and it did actually help me feel better. If doing your hair is too much, that is fine, but some warm water and a nice shower gel might pick you up a slight bit. Thinking of you lots (((((Lisa)))))

[lisalou]

I feel absolutely dreadful. I did have a shower mich but I nearly fainted in there,had to drop to the ground for a bit. My mind is full of sadistic thoughts about myself and still obsessed with death. It is a very sunny day here but i hate it,it just makes me paranoid and very dissociated and want to hide. mark encouraged me to come out with him briefly to do some food shopping and it was just horrible.at least it made me appreciate coming home. It's awful to be like this and probably just as awful to be with me. I think Mark probably almost wants me to go in hospital now so he won't have to have my miserable face around and the responsibilty of having to do everything for me. they did consider admitting me because i was talking about suicide so much but i said i wouldnt do anything. the worst of it all is that i suspect deep down that i wont and that i am trapped in this damaged mind and body forever

[Mich]

(((((Lisa)))))) Ah yes, fainting in the shower....that's a familiar occurrence for me as well. You know you have to eat something. Could you manage some carbs and protein today? I could do it with you.
I'm worried about how low you are and really wonder if a hospitalization would be good for you right now.....just to get you feeling better and more stable. I find it does help me to do that. When are you next seeing a doctor?

[Marc Heart]

I've only just read the last couple of posts in this thread my thoughts are with you lisalou,I wish you well though Iknow it isnt has easy has that. Take care marc x

[xn728]

OH DEAR LISA im deeply sorry that there is no light for you yet ,,i have
prayed and spoke to a god ,but no one answers yet ,,please keep lisa safe ,im with you lisa in this dark passage ,,keep going girl ,,you will come out of this ,,shut up ken ,,i know ,,my only crime lisa is i care so much ,,,thinking of you hugs (((((lisa))))),,lots of love ken xxx

[Mich]

(((((Lisa)))))) I am wondering how you are doing today and hoping that the darkness has lifted. Please take good care, my friend.

[hikeadog]

I am a new member to this but am finding comfort in knowing that my feelings are felt by so many others. Lisa...I am feeling for you and although I have never been on this site before today I just want you to know I am going through a real rough patch right now and am trying to send all good thoughts to you right now. I can relate to you and I lost almost 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks.....please know that so many people are with you in thoughts right now.

[xn728]

evening lisa ,,ive missed you again today ,,i know your probably still not good ,,how long can your torment go on ,its unfair you should suffer like this ,,i can only keep praying for you ,,and you must keep safe ,,i know you will feel better one day ,,when this darkness has passed ,,,night night
dear lisa ,,,hugs (((((lisa))))),,love ken xxx

[lisalou]

thank you for your continued kindness ken and mich, and also good to hear from you marc and hikeadog. I had a chat with my boss about me starting the day hospital programme next week and needing some time off and she was really kind and supportive. probably because i was a complete mess!!! saw my psychiatrist yesterday and i am gonna carry on with the agomelatine a couple more weeks and see if the nausea eases up and if it actually does anything for my mood...otherwise come off it and abandon all medication. they have tried virtually everything on me and so i seem a bit of a hopeless case medication wise. I have read that antidepressants are ineffective in as many as 1 in 3 people.

I really don't know how i feel about this day hospital thing still. I agree that i need more full time support at the moment but i am gonna miss the children and some of the staff at work so much. I fear i might deteriorate further, cut off from 'normal' life and the feeling of achieving something. and I will be bringing no money in!!!

I am forcing myself to have the odd bit of toast and pasta and bananas (I seem to have invented the F*** Atkins diet!!!) but my appetite is still very compromised and i am getting totally obsessed with losing weight again anyway. there is a certain sadistic pleasure in knowing that there is now less of me

[mamasam]

I wish i knew what to say to you, all i can do is give you a hug ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((LISA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))