How Are You Feeling?

[EmmaliciouS]

Wanna embed a sharp object in my throat right about now. Think today is that day. what a terible days

[mk43]

feel down im losing hrs at work...money i just cant stop thinking how shitty everything feels while its sunny out. i honestly need a punching bag today.

[mk43]

Wanna embed a sharp object in my throat right about now. Think today is that day. what a terible days

dont say that...it would suck to have a scar on your throat <3 take a bunch of paint and get paper use your hands and make an angry painting- itll be a splitting image of those ones that go for like 200000 dollars eheh

[TackingIntoTheWind]

First day in our temporary accomodation at work, so I felt a bit at sixes and sevens and anxious. But, then again, so did everybody, so I don't think anybody noticed my slow, calming breathing! But now I'm sitting quietly in the library, actually feeling quite calm.
I'm starting to feel that everyone is depressed and depleted after a particularly " Winterish " Winter! Still, we even had some sunshine in South Wales today! And there's a rumour going around about something called " Spring ", which helps me feel slightly less depressed.

[shatteredhopes]

It is raining and the roof is leaking badly behind me as I type. I am hungry but don't feel up to fixing anything. With the weather, my physical pain was in full force last night and today. All in all, I am feeling very very sorry for myself, sitting on my self-pity pot and knowing this will only lead to another severe depressive episode, so trying to hang on and fight as best as possible right now, like trying to block memories. Frustrating that had good weekend up until late last night, then came crashing down...still haven't baked my cookies and have wasted three sticks of margarine, different times, taking them out to soften up for mixing. This is one of those times I wish I wasn't alone, as I would like someone to fix me something to eat and rub me down with topical pain gel and hold me when I get really sad. Most the time I am okay and content to be alone, but sometimes, it really bites.

[mk43]

the weather suits my feeling and keeps me safe
bc hes gone and i kno i have to let go.

[crystalgaze]

Hello every one! ~waves~ Hhrrmmm.... I am okay mentally... Physically, I'm a bit beat up.... ((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm feeling low and rather cut off from the world, rather " on the outside looking in ", which is often a trigger for my depression. Had a rather odd morning in work. Rather a quiet day work-wise, so the morning rather dragged. I prefer it when it's busy and more distracting, so you can get caught up in what you're doing. Also, found out this morning that they're trying to organise a morale-raising event in our part of the business. ( NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!not a morale-raising event! Mercyyyyyyy! ) Fortunately, attendence is optional, so I have every intention of being somewhere else. But, it leaves me feeling so depressed and isolated when " they " try and push the " official myth " of how well things are going and how happy we all are, and that's just not the reality I and so many of my co-workers see around me. It seems sometimes as if you either have to ignore the evidence of your own eyes and buy into the fairy story of " everyday in every way things are getting better and better ", or tell things as you see them and sound like part of the " awkward squad ". I hoped when I started this job it would help me feel more a part of " society ", would give me somewhere I could belong, s chance to achieve something, ( However modest. ), that I could be proud of. But, mornings like this, my job makes me feel almost the reverse of those feelings. As if I'm a square peg in a round hole, thinking all the wrong things while wasting my time in job that I'm not even up to anyway.
Still, as I'm the one whose always banging on about postive thinking....I'm lucky to have this site to vent on and boost my mood. And then I'm going to have a restful evening at home. I'm revisiting my " mispent youth " by watching season 2 of The Invaders!

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((((((Tacking)))))))))))) you are part of a "society" the one here...and your wise, kind words and charming sense of humor give us all a lift and support. So you and I can fit in here, even if we don't feel we fit in elsewhere.

I am sorry you are feeling that way about your job. I feel so isolated and useless because I am not working. At least be proud you are supporting yourself, earning your own money, and making a contribution to society, even if it feels like you are wasting your time sometimes, you are doing something...

I feel frustrated so often lately because I realize between the depression, PTSD, anxiety, and physical pain, I am not productive at all most of the time, and when I finally feel good or okay, its all I can do just to catch up on the dishes and such, when am I ever gunna be able to get back to working and earning money?

So I guess the grass is always greener, huh?

Enjoy your DVD's ((((((((((((((tacking)))))))))))))!!!!!! I really, really hope you start writing stories, as I think they would be wonderful and we are all waiting to read them for inspiration! When you are feeling better, why not dream, fantasize a little, and sketch out an outline for one?

*hugs*

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks a million (((( shatteredhopes ))))! That's just what I needed to hear. What can I say? When you're right you're right. I think part of my problem at work is that a lot of people there have more experience/training/knowledge than I have and that, and the fact that they seem to be better able than me to take things in their stride and not get wound up about things, weakens my self-esteem quite a bit. Sometimes I feel as if I'm lagging behind everyone else, as if everyone else is two pages, three steps, four minutes ahead of me. I wonder sometimes, when I'm really depressed, if they are continuing to employ me because I'm useful, or because I'm viewed as a borderline burnout, but nobody is willing to take responsibility for all the fuss, trouble and bureaucracy that it would take to get rid of me.
But, I know that that's probably just the depression talking! As you say, I'm lucky to have a job, and my last job assessment was satisfactory, so I must be doing OK( Ish! )
I hope that a times comes when you will feel able to get back to work, at least at some point in the future, and that you find something that will give you a sense of achievement. You seem like a " smart cookie " to me!
What you wrote about my writing stories, reminds me of something one of my favourite comic writers said in an issue of Kabuki: The Alchemy. A lot of people want to do something creative, but never do so because they are waiting for some kind of permission, some kind of validation, someone to tell them they are good enough. They wait for inspiration to show up before they start the work, when in reality they should take a first step, start the work and THEN inspiration will show up. I gues that's true in my case. I AM nervous that I don't have the talent to write, that this will turn out to be just ANOTHER thing that I'm not good at.......
But you're right. There's no reason that I can't dream, fantasize a little, and sketch out an outline for a story. So, starting tomorrow I'm going to take a notebook on my bus journeys to and from work and try to see if there ARE any ideas lurking at the back of my subconscious.....even if nothing comes of it, at least I will have tried.....( And you never know. Afterall, somebody once said that God has a special place in His heart for fools and children. And even if I'm not a child anymore, I might well still qualify as the former! )

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((((tacking)))))))))))):

1) based soley on your well-written posts here and ability to convey thoughts and emotions with clarity, humor, and wisdom, I am CONFIDENT you have the talent...

2) Don't give up if its hard at first or you aren't satisfied with your first thoughts or story. How many writers out there do you love whose first novel(s) or story(ies) were utter crap????? Tons! It is a skill in most that I think evolves from repeated trying and growing as you proceed...I remember taking creative writing in college, just how bad my first attempts were when I was trying to copy some other writer's style or something...but by the end of the second semester, I was producing some things that were actually appreciated by my Professor and fellow classmates sometimes...so don't give up!

3) Be proud of yourself for trying, attempting at least to pursue a dream, it could turn out to be your life's calling and you could write a sci-fi piece for instance that is so inspirational and exciting and fun that it is as popular among adults as Harry Potter is to kids!

I know you have it in you. Go for it!!!!!!!!

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks very much for the kind words and the positive reinforcement (((( shatteredhopes ))))!
I did start jotting a few ideas for a story into a notebook on the bus today, only a few lines, but I actually do feel good about making a start. I don't know what, if anything will ever come of it, but it's nice to at least play with some ideas. If only to distract myself from the grey skies of a British February!
And you are right about a lot of authors taking time to grow into their best work. One of my favourite authors is Robert B. Parker, who writes a series about a contemporary Boston-based P.I. called Spenser. ( They did a TV series called Spenser For Hire based on his works, about 15 years ago with Robert Urich as Spenser. )
The first in the series, The Godwulf Manuscript, was fairly good, but does strike me as very much a " first outing " for the character. In the second in the series, Mortal Stakes, the character of Spencer was much more developed, and the books from then on have just got better as new characters are added and developed and Spenser's world is more and more described. In fact I do rather consider Mortal Stakes to be the first " true " Spenser novel.
I'm still feeling rather flat and low, but I'm feeling better than I did yesterday. We even had some sunshine today. ( Hey, sunshine, it's a bit deal in South wales in February. It can be rare enough in South Wales in July, come to that! )
Hope (((( Everyone )))) is having a good day, or at least a day that is showing them some mercy....

[Mich]

((((((tacking)))))) I would also like to encourage you to write. You write wonderfully on here and I am certain you have some great ideas lurking in the recesses of your mind.

Your comment about the "morale boosting event" took me back to my work days 5 years ago. I faced those things with the same dread and even had my boss plant a kiss on my cheek at a Christmas event. I am very much a gal who likes her space and is not receptive to co-workers kissing me! If you go to your event, I hope you get through it okay. You would be a great asset to such an event as you have a wonderful sense of humour.

[crystalgaze]

Nice to see you Mich! ((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))))

I hope you're feeling better by the day!

[Mel234]

Hm, today I'm feeling down about myself and how I've let myself become this person. I guess it's a day where I feel like hiding under the blankets away from everyone.