Overdose - Triggering

[crybaby1086]

Hi Mich, There is home suport available for all ages, even kids. They call it respite care. When you just need someone to come in and help you out a little and keep you company.

[Mich]

I am alone. Husband and kids are off doing their own activities. When this happens it really highlights how empty my life is. I have no one to call and nothing to go to. I cannot bring myself to change this state of affairs either. I am suffering and yet cannot do anything about it. I deserve what I get, I guess.
I am listening to sad, depressing music right now which is very triggering. I am reading very bad websites. I just cannot pull myself away from it all.

[xn728]

how you feeling today mich ,,i do hope your a little better ,,i do worry so mich about all my freinds ,but you i feel never gets any break its seems for you a constant torment ,,even i get a breack sometimes ,,i know i always say this mich but you are very strong ,,and must remain so ,,you cant let the dark creature win mich ,,,i know it hurts mich ,,,but keep
fighting ,,im thinking of you mich my dear freind ,,,,and ill always let you no im here and i care ,,see you for now mich ,,take care hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

hello mich ,,the candle is lit my dear freind ,,,please look for the light and feel the warmth ..so it may keep you safe ,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

hi mich how are you feeling ,,you called out to me today and made me feel better ,,im doing the ferrets soon and then ill be lighting the candle soon
bought another hundred today ,,a hundred days of hope for us mich my dear freind mmm,,see the light my freind and stay with me thankyou
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[Mich]

I am struggling today with complete darkness. It just all seems so utterly hopeless. I can't even do the simplest of things to start my life on a better path. My psych commented yesterday that I am not taking care of myself .... well that's no new revelation....and it's true, I'm a mess. A physical and mental mess.

[shatteredhopes]

I know what that darkness is like when you can't even do the simplest things to care for or nurture or comfort yourself. Sometimes though if we can force ourselves somehow to do something simple, it is helpful. For instance, you know what my big accomplishment was the other day? It was cutting my toenails. This sounds ridiculous but I was really proud of myself for doing it! Each night I try to list 2 or 3 accomplisments for the day. Yesterday I was only able to list one: held it together in front of my mom without losing it when I stopped by to visit her. But, hey, considering how much the SI was getting to me, and some of the stuff we talked about, I am proud of myself for not crying and maintaining a semi-normal conversation.

Don't be so hard on yourself (((((((Mich)))))))))). You are hurting and if you can't do anything but curl up in the bed, then you can't...but if you can walk the dog, be proud that is HUGE for us when we are in this state. If you can manage to do some personal care item, sometimes that makes me feel a bit better...a long hot shower and washing your hair...afterwards sometimes I feel good...like when I cut my toenails. Just the littlest things when we are down are BIG accomplishments...you went to your pyschiatrist appointment, probably drove yourself without getting in an accident, that's something!

Sometimes I think things work kind of backwards, we have to find a way to treat the symptoms then it helps the original pain...little lift from cutting my toenails helped a lot. And so what no big accomplishments yesterday other than holding it together in front of my mom? I was fighting the SI big time, so I have to cut myself some slack...and today I feel slightly better...today I hope to accomplish more and I am not obsessing about suicide this morning...so hang in there until you get a little relief...sometimes are worse than others...if you can do something like shower or walk the dog, consider that a mammoth feat and be PROUD of yourself...if you have to hide under the covers today, then you do, and just getting through without self-harm is accomplishment enough.

Love and light your way sister and friend....

[crystalgaze]

((((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))

Sweet lady, I am thinking of you! You can do it! I KNOW you can!

Please, just don't give up yet! Take your time out if you must, but don't give up entirely!

[xn728]

hi mich my dear freind ,im so sorry to hear the darkness has you also ,,,
there are a few of in here now ,,so dont feel alone were in here somewere ,,ive been selfish once today mich ,and i gonna ask you to be strong and keep it togather mich ,,no matter how hard it gets ,,you must stay here for me ,,and all your other freinds ,,how selfish am i ,,,lol i dont care its just my way of showing you how much you mean to me ,,and all your freinds ,,you called out to me today mich ,,and it showed me you care ,,now im here telling you the same ,,your not a mess ,,your a good
kind wonderful freind ,,and you will come thru this ,,,reach into the darkness mich because today im here suffering to ,,hugs ken xxxx

[xn728]

i must thank you again mich for talking to me while im down ,,i hope your feeling ok ,,i know your not happy but you know what im saying ,,please stay brave mich dont let the dark one get to much of your mind ,,its very cunning ,,but im sure you will handle it with all your freinds here supporting you ,,i hope you dont mind me talking to you the way i do mich ,i know it can be personal at times but its the way i am ,,i just care so much for everyone ,my only weapon are my words so i make the most of them ,,ohhh i do worry so ,,,lol,,you know how much it hurts when i see all the pain ,,but i must control it and not keep wanting to run away ,i feel i cause you undue worry ,,,anyway mich ,look after yourself ,,im gonna leave lisa a message now ,,she,s been quiet and that does worry me ,,,see you soon mich ,,my very good freind ,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[lisalou]

hiya michie, so sorry i've been away a whole week, hadn't realised it was so long until i logged in,i've been such a crap sister and i'm really sorry

I think shatteredhopes's idea of focusing on a couple of small things you can and have accomplished is fabulous. If you try doing this then hopefully you will realise that you are stronger than you know and are still managing to fight through this awful darkness

Have you managed to get your copy of the women's comfort book yet? If not, maybe just try to do little things for yourself that may have distracted or comforted you in the past. If you could force yourself to take a nice scented bath or maybe listen to some more positive music, I hope that could help a tiny bit if only briefly

love you lots,
Lisa xxxx

[xn728]

how are you feeling mich ,are you feeling any better today ,you have cheered me up while i have been down ,,see you are strong mich ,but ill
worry about you anyway ,,i know you wont feel ilke it if your down ,but just let us know how you are ,,i wish for us all to be well mich ,,i know im clutching at straws but i have to try ,,even when i feel shit ,,i have to try ,
ill let you rest now mich ,,,thinking of you my dear freind ,hugs ken xxxx

[Mich]

I am feeling terrible after a bad psychiatrist appt yesterday. I left things on a bad note with him and I am feeling bad about it. I was acting snarky and obstinate. It's the first time in 5 years that I have been that way with him. I need to apologize which I will do at Tuesday's appt.
My psych questioned whether I was losing weight and replied "no". When I got on the scale this morning I found I had lost 2 lbs. He said he could see it in my face but being able to see a 2 lb difference seems unlikely.
Time to put on my "game face" for the weekend which is extremely hard to do and most of the time I don't do a good job of it. Kids are around and want some attention when all I really want to do is disappear with my iPOD. Husband expects some house cleaning to happen and I don't care about that at all.
The depression is truly torturing me and those around me haven't experienced it so they don't understand. I am fighting the urge to put myself into hospital. I just want to disappear from everything.

[crystalgaze]

Hi there Mich! ((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))))))))

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you! I hope you feel better soon! Hang on there lady!

[lisalou]

Hello mich, i hope today has been a better day for you. thinking of you.

sending love and hugs,Lisa x