Devastated at Psychiatrist Appt
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
HOPE TODAY GOES WE,LL ,,XXX
Morning (((((mich)))),,i hope your appmnt goes better today ,,try and feel strong mich it will be hard for you i know ,,were all thinking of you mich as always ,,i hope you feel like talking later to let us know how it has gone ,,i will understand if you dont wish to talk ,,,,gonna go now ,,see you later ,,hugs (((((mich))))),,,love ken xxx
Night mich
Hi again mich ,,wonder how you got on with the doc today ,maybe your not there yet ,,but im having an early night ,,im ok just very tired ,,im going to watch comedy central for a while see if i can get into a routine ,,
ill say goodnight here mich ,,hope your feeling ok ,,night hugs (((((mich))))),,,lots of love ken xxx
ill say goodnight here mich ,,hope your feeling ok ,,night hugs (((((mich))))),,,lots of love ken xxx
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crystalgaze
- Posts: 2511
- Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
- Location: USA
Morning mich
Morning mich ,,also thinking of you at this time ,,,please let you feel better soon ,,hugs (((((mich ))))),,,love ken xxx
Thank you everyone for your kind wishes.
I went to my appt yesterday and he apologized profusely for falling asleep saying that he was not well that day and had taken some over the counter med which made him too drowsy. I asked him to please just cancel me if he is not feeling well because falling asleep on me is much more damaging to my psyche than missing one appointment. I told him about the starvation and the self harm that I engaged in to help me cope with it. I spent the rest of the session really talking about surface stuff. The trust wasn't there for me to go into deep and dark things. I am not sure when I will get that trust back. It is a self protection mechanism....I won't feel as bad if he falls asleep if I am only talking drivel. If I am talking about my abuse, and he falls asleep, that has a much more profound effect on me.
I don't feel well at all. I am spending far too much time in bed because I just cannot sit with the feeling of severe depression. I do get some respite in sleep, so if I can fall asleep for a few hours that eliminates a few hours of suffering.
I had to take my son to his running club workout late yesterday afternoon. I just sit in the parking lot and wait for it to be over. Yesterday while waiting there were these 2 boys playing ball in the parking lot...I'd say they were about 11 years old. As they were leaving they called out to me, "hey, ugly lady..." Well that kind of thing just really devastates me. It's true that I am not attractive and I am very aware of that constantly. I always wonder how different life would have been for me if I had been pretty. Perhaps my father thought he could do what he wanted because I was an ugly piece of s$#@. If I had been beautiful, is it possible that he would have left me alone? I really don't feel life is worth living right now. I am in constant pain, I have no friends and I look like h#@! I am a burden to my husband and children. I am not the wife or mother they deserve. Doing something to comfort myself just isn't going to cut it today. I am way beyond that. I am not eating. I will have to try to lose myself in sleep again.
I went to my appt yesterday and he apologized profusely for falling asleep saying that he was not well that day and had taken some over the counter med which made him too drowsy. I asked him to please just cancel me if he is not feeling well because falling asleep on me is much more damaging to my psyche than missing one appointment. I told him about the starvation and the self harm that I engaged in to help me cope with it. I spent the rest of the session really talking about surface stuff. The trust wasn't there for me to go into deep and dark things. I am not sure when I will get that trust back. It is a self protection mechanism....I won't feel as bad if he falls asleep if I am only talking drivel. If I am talking about my abuse, and he falls asleep, that has a much more profound effect on me.
I don't feel well at all. I am spending far too much time in bed because I just cannot sit with the feeling of severe depression. I do get some respite in sleep, so if I can fall asleep for a few hours that eliminates a few hours of suffering.
I had to take my son to his running club workout late yesterday afternoon. I just sit in the parking lot and wait for it to be over. Yesterday while waiting there were these 2 boys playing ball in the parking lot...I'd say they were about 11 years old. As they were leaving they called out to me, "hey, ugly lady..." Well that kind of thing just really devastates me. It's true that I am not attractive and I am very aware of that constantly. I always wonder how different life would have been for me if I had been pretty. Perhaps my father thought he could do what he wanted because I was an ugly piece of s$#@. If I had been beautiful, is it possible that he would have left me alone? I really don't feel life is worth living right now. I am in constant pain, I have no friends and I look like h#@! I am a burden to my husband and children. I am not the wife or mother they deserve. Doing something to comfort myself just isn't going to cut it today. I am way beyond that. I am not eating. I will have to try to lose myself in sleep again.
WALK WITH ME MICH
those boys were just silly little kids mich ,,what came out of there mouths didnt even get passed being a thought in there heads ,it was nothing to them just being clever ,,hurtful to you as it was please forget it ,,,you are pretty mich ,i know you are ,,pretty on the inside, pretty on the outside there ,,hey (your a pretty lady ) young ken shouts !!!!,,,your kids and your husband love you ,,the fact that you think they dont is a trick of your illness ,,cunning as it is mich dont be fooled ,open your mind mich your becoming unable to see with your eyes ,,i talk to the darkness everyday mich and ask why ! why do you hurt so many of my freinds at this time ,,never get an answer mich ,,,never, so here i am talking to you trying to give a little cheer and support ,,turn your back on the darkness
pretty mich and walk on with me to a brighter day soon ,,,hugs (((((mich))))),,,,lots of love ken xxx
pretty mich and walk on with me to a brighter day soon ,,,hugs (((((mich))))),,,,lots of love ken xxx
I'm glad you were able to talk frankly with your psychiatrist and wise to be a little guarded with him. hopefully he can earn that trust back over time
also,those boys were just idiots. kids always say mean things to people,usually totally meaningless just to make themselves look 'hard' and cool in front of each other. don't listen to stuff like that, listen to people like us who think you are beautiful and lovely
also,those boys were just idiots. kids always say mean things to people,usually totally meaningless just to make themselves look 'hard' and cool in front of each other. don't listen to stuff like that, listen to people like us who think you are beautiful and lovely
(((((((((((((((((((((Mich)))))))))))))))))) I have to agree with Ken, You can't let silly boys make you feel worse....I too have been called ugly before, yes it hurts, but hun i'm here to tell ya, Ugly is as ugly does.... we are not the ugly ones. Your husband and your children love you, please do not feel as if your a burden on them, they have not had to suffer the same misfortune you have. Nothing you could ever do would have made your father leave you alone...it was not your fault, he is the sick one...and by judging yourself and letting it rule your life...he wins again! I know its hard to pick yourself up and go one, i'm going thru the motions myself, trying to keep up for my kids sake, but it never takes the pain away....I am going to ...if only for spite, be happy and whole again!!!!! I think you should grab a little grit with me and screw this "oh do it for the right reasons" BULLSH!T, and say Fluck it all and lets show this world the beautiful, happy healthy women we are ...even if it's just for spite! 
Thinking of you mich
heyyyy mich ,,just wanted you to know im thinking of you ,its hurts to see you still suffering ,,i wish i could offer you more than words mich but its all i have ,,oh and my beacons of light mich ,,they burn for us all mich
three again tonight ,,,,,stay safe mich see the light hugs (((((mich)))))
lots of love ken xxx
three again tonight ,,,,,stay safe mich see the light hugs (((((mich)))))
lots of love ken xxx
Hello mich
hello mich i was just going to post to you and i saw you come online ,,thats a bit of relief for me to see your around ,,dont know how your feeling just now ,,but i hope its not to bad ,,if your like me i dont like the holidays to much ,,they seem to be long and boreing ,,im sure that you will feel better soon mich it may seem like empty words just now ,but i do so mean it ,,just hang in there mich ,im thinking of you ,,and dont forget the candles are burning mich ,,three again tonight ,,have a good day mich ,you know what i mean ,,be strong and stay with us we care a great deal about you ,,hugs for now (((((mich))))),,,lots of love ken xxx
It's my husband's birthday tomorrow and I have just dragged myself out to get him some gifts. My heart is not in the celebration at all and I fear I will disappoint him with my sullenness. Please give me some relief tomorrow so I can be a proper wife.
I had a hard psych appt yesterday. I did not tell him about what those boys yelled at me. I wanted to but I just could not bring myself to say it or to write it for him. I am too humiliated and too afraid of what his potential responses might be. What we discussed yesterday is that I did not have one person that cared for me when I was growing up...no parents that cared, no teacher, no family friend. I existed without any love or care. Now people tell me that my family cares about me but I cannot feel it. I cannot feel anything good. All I feel is this terrible, sickening depression which drives me closer and closer to the edge. I fear there is no joy or promise to come in my life and that I am just a millstone around the necks of my family. I add no joy, no happiness, no optimistic outlook....I am doom and gloom and terrible, terrible sadness. The sadness is so paralyzing that it is even hard to move. The sanctity of my bedroom is where I want to stay. I don't want to expose the world to my ugliness. I don't want to put myself out there where I can be hurt over and over again. All I ever wanted to be was beautiful....and that can never be. I have always wondered if I would have suffered abuse if I had been a beautiful child. Maybe he wouldn't have been able to destroy a thing of beauty but that fact that I was so repulsive made it easy for him to proceed with his evil.
My husband wants to go out tonight for dinner for his birthday and tomorrow he wants to have his parents over for dinner. I cannot face these things but I must. He wants to have Indian food tonight and I cannot think of a single thing there that is not loaded with calories. I don't know what I am going to eat. I cannot sit there and merely drink at diet Coke...I will have to eat somoething and it is terrifying.
I hate myself.
I had a hard psych appt yesterday. I did not tell him about what those boys yelled at me. I wanted to but I just could not bring myself to say it or to write it for him. I am too humiliated and too afraid of what his potential responses might be. What we discussed yesterday is that I did not have one person that cared for me when I was growing up...no parents that cared, no teacher, no family friend. I existed without any love or care. Now people tell me that my family cares about me but I cannot feel it. I cannot feel anything good. All I feel is this terrible, sickening depression which drives me closer and closer to the edge. I fear there is no joy or promise to come in my life and that I am just a millstone around the necks of my family. I add no joy, no happiness, no optimistic outlook....I am doom and gloom and terrible, terrible sadness. The sadness is so paralyzing that it is even hard to move. The sanctity of my bedroom is where I want to stay. I don't want to expose the world to my ugliness. I don't want to put myself out there where I can be hurt over and over again. All I ever wanted to be was beautiful....and that can never be. I have always wondered if I would have suffered abuse if I had been a beautiful child. Maybe he wouldn't have been able to destroy a thing of beauty but that fact that I was so repulsive made it easy for him to proceed with his evil.
My husband wants to go out tonight for dinner for his birthday and tomorrow he wants to have his parents over for dinner. I cannot face these things but I must. He wants to have Indian food tonight and I cannot think of a single thing there that is not loaded with calories. I don't know what I am going to eat. I cannot sit there and merely drink at diet Coke...I will have to eat somoething and it is terrifying.
I hate myself.
SIMALER CHILDHOOD
mich i know all these feelings so well ,,simaler childhood ,,my mam and dad when i see them now are just strangers ,,no feelings for then altough i am trying ,,the eating problems you have ,,i have read a book and i understand it a little but it is very complex as you know ,,ive said lots to you in the past mich ,,you know how i care about you and all my freinds ,
many times ive told you to be strong ,,you must feel like friggin screeming at me sometimes ,its only that i care ,,but look how long i have suffered ,,and the turmoil i went through only last week ,,but now i feel fine normal even ,,whats happened mich ? i dont know ,,the visitor has gone and im not afraid of tommorrow ,,doesnt that give you some hope mich ,,please have some hope ,,all those things about no one loving you when you were growing up ,,sounds like my life exactly ,,when i feel like it im going to tell you about my growing up in my early years ,and i think you will be suprised how much the same things were for us ,,we all love you mich ,you will come through this ,and one day we will stand and smile together ,see you later ,,,hugs (((((mich ))))),,lots of love ken xxx,,,,,
MICH ,,you husband will have a nice birthday ,you will make it so ,,and he will see you shine so brightly ,,,because you are a shining star ,,
many times ive told you to be strong ,,you must feel like friggin screeming at me sometimes ,its only that i care ,,but look how long i have suffered ,,and the turmoil i went through only last week ,,but now i feel fine normal even ,,whats happened mich ? i dont know ,,the visitor has gone and im not afraid of tommorrow ,,doesnt that give you some hope mich ,,please have some hope ,,all those things about no one loving you when you were growing up ,,sounds like my life exactly ,,when i feel like it im going to tell you about my growing up in my early years ,and i think you will be suprised how much the same things were for us ,,we all love you mich ,you will come through this ,and one day we will stand and smile together ,see you later ,,,hugs (((((mich ))))),,lots of love ken xxx,,,,,
MICH ,,you husband will have a nice birthday ,you will make it so ,,and he will see you shine so brightly ,,,because you are a shining star ,,
mich, i wish you strength for tonight and tomorrow night because i know what an ordeal these social occasions can be in the depths of depression. Especially birthdays,feeling they should be cheerful occasions for our loved ones but still struggling so hard to fake it. I had my first assessment with my psychiatrist on mark's birthday and i know i was a wreck and worried that i ruined it for him. I can really recognise your dread of eating indian food!!! mark did some food shopping today and brought some chicken korma home and i felt like screaming 'there is no f***ing way i will EVER eat that', it is the most high calorie food known to man!!!! what also terrified me is how much i wanted it,although i still have real loss of appetite now,normally i love korma.
I don't know about the restaurants where you are but here in England there are usually a couple of alternative,non-indian dishes in indian restaurants for people who don't eat spicy food,maybe you will be lucky? or you could tell your husband you've had diarrhoea today (usually people won't ask further questions!) and then you can legitimately just have rice and just pick at a little of a main course. something that comes in a tomato based rather than creamy sauce will have far less calories or a biryani is just dry chicken,rice and veg mixed. restaurants will give you a small portion if you ask .
much courage sent your way for tomorrow when you have to deal with his parents as well. maybe cook one of your stir frys which are easy and low calorie?
your strength and willingness to try and do these things for your husband despite your pain is admirable. you could never be ugly to me
I don't know about the restaurants where you are but here in England there are usually a couple of alternative,non-indian dishes in indian restaurants for people who don't eat spicy food,maybe you will be lucky? or you could tell your husband you've had diarrhoea today (usually people won't ask further questions!) and then you can legitimately just have rice and just pick at a little of a main course. something that comes in a tomato based rather than creamy sauce will have far less calories or a biryani is just dry chicken,rice and veg mixed. restaurants will give you a small portion if you ask .
much courage sent your way for tomorrow when you have to deal with his parents as well. maybe cook one of your stir frys which are easy and low calorie?
your strength and willingness to try and do these things for your husband despite your pain is admirable. you could never be ugly to me
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
I sometimes think if somehow I wasn't becoming so wrinkled with age and if I hadn't gained weight on my last two trips to spend with my ex-boyfriend from all the baking I did and frozen lattes...if I were just prettier, he wouldn't have dumped me...I had a former friend who felt because she was molested that's why she remained flat chested, so she had a breast job, which I went with her for her surgery to take care of her afterwards, but I don't think it fixed what was wrong on the inside, the pain she felt...
May I share two things with you?
First, there was a time when I gained a ton of weight as a result of side effects of medication and overeating and became obese...I was often treated awfully when I was overweight, like a nonperson and subject to cruel comments, and I will never forget how unattractive people made me feel...but you know what? It was one of the happiest times of my life...I had lots of friends, family, my animals, a job I loved where I felt I could make a difference and had done a ton of work on my insides...you can be happy however you feel your outsides are....I know this to be true.
I was fortunate that when I came off the meds I lost the weight, starting with 40 pounds in the first month. Afterwards, men were falling all over me, but I was also severely depressed following my ex-husband's jailing and financial ruin. And I resented the men somewhat, thinking you treated me like a nonperson when I was overweight, now that I have lost the weight you suddenly won't leave me alone...how superficial and disgusting it seemed. No matter how beautiful people may think you are on the outside, I doesn't compensate for feeling ugly on the inside and that comes from not so much who you are but how you are treated.
For I do not know what you look like on the outside ((((((((((Mich)))))))) my sister, my friend, for I have never seen a picture of you. But I know your beautiful caring side that always reaches out to others in this forum no matter how much pain you are in with words of love support and kindness; I know you put your pain aside for your family to make your son's or husband's birthday okay or put so much effort into Christmas presents despite the personal trauma it causes in a beautiful selflessness...
You ARE beautiful my friend. You just feel ugly because you have been treated so horribly. There are things you can do like getting a facial, shaving your legs, washing and primping your hair, putting on make-up and nice looking clean clothes to feel better hypothetically about your outside appearance, but I feel sure when you are hurting so much on the inside even if you looked like Miss America (or Miss Canada!) ...it wouldn't matter, you would still feel ugly primarily because of the shameful way you were treated and how that made you feel.
I am so sorry to hear how much you endured growing up when you most needed nurturing, and you are a wonderful person for doing what you can so that your kids have the opposite experience...but you are loved here, and you are beautiful here, and you and I are part of a special family here where we are accepted no matter what...
With love, hugs, and sending comforting thoughts and wishes for peace and strength to get through the dinner and birthday celebration...
May I share two things with you?
First, there was a time when I gained a ton of weight as a result of side effects of medication and overeating and became obese...I was often treated awfully when I was overweight, like a nonperson and subject to cruel comments, and I will never forget how unattractive people made me feel...but you know what? It was one of the happiest times of my life...I had lots of friends, family, my animals, a job I loved where I felt I could make a difference and had done a ton of work on my insides...you can be happy however you feel your outsides are....I know this to be true.
I was fortunate that when I came off the meds I lost the weight, starting with 40 pounds in the first month. Afterwards, men were falling all over me, but I was also severely depressed following my ex-husband's jailing and financial ruin. And I resented the men somewhat, thinking you treated me like a nonperson when I was overweight, now that I have lost the weight you suddenly won't leave me alone...how superficial and disgusting it seemed. No matter how beautiful people may think you are on the outside, I doesn't compensate for feeling ugly on the inside and that comes from not so much who you are but how you are treated.
For I do not know what you look like on the outside ((((((((((Mich)))))))) my sister, my friend, for I have never seen a picture of you. But I know your beautiful caring side that always reaches out to others in this forum no matter how much pain you are in with words of love support and kindness; I know you put your pain aside for your family to make your son's or husband's birthday okay or put so much effort into Christmas presents despite the personal trauma it causes in a beautiful selflessness...
You ARE beautiful my friend. You just feel ugly because you have been treated so horribly. There are things you can do like getting a facial, shaving your legs, washing and primping your hair, putting on make-up and nice looking clean clothes to feel better hypothetically about your outside appearance, but I feel sure when you are hurting so much on the inside even if you looked like Miss America (or Miss Canada!) ...it wouldn't matter, you would still feel ugly primarily because of the shameful way you were treated and how that made you feel.
I am so sorry to hear how much you endured growing up when you most needed nurturing, and you are a wonderful person for doing what you can so that your kids have the opposite experience...but you are loved here, and you are beautiful here, and you and I are part of a special family here where we are accepted no matter what...
With love, hugs, and sending comforting thoughts and wishes for peace and strength to get through the dinner and birthday celebration...
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