Worsening Depression and Anxiety

[xn728]

just popped by to say hi ,how you feeling today ,better i hope ,i do know
your not feeling to good about the holiday ,so i wont go there but i would
just like to say thanks for all the support youve given me mich,i hope you feel better soon ,well i,ll get going now ,,,best wishes ps dont worry about posting if your not up to it ,,,hugs goodnight mich stay safe ,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

Hey Mich and Everyone,
Here's to all of us always doing the best we can, fighting the good fight,
being here for our loved ones and for our dear friends on this forum.
Mich I am sending you strength. You can do it.
You can get through and your family will be so happy to have you with them.
Stay strong everyone. Happy Solstice!
Sending love and light.

[Mich]

Thank you everyone. Tears came to my eyes as I read all of your loving comments. They truly do make a difference in my life and help to pull me through this very difficult time.
I am not in a good place right now. My anorexic voice is forbidding me any food except a select few vegetables and I feel driven to become skeletal once again. I am scratching myself intensely and I have completely chewed up the inside of my bottom lip. These acts of destruction against myself help me deal with the painful feelings that well up at this time of year. As my psych tells me, I am living completely in the past right now....conjuring up memories of past hurts....instead of living in the here and now. The other night my daughter asked the family who was excited for Christmas. Everyone answered in the affirmative except for me. I just could not bring myself to answer. I could not say I was feeling joy and excitement when I was too far down in the gutter. I feel like a hateful and selfish mother and really hope I can pull things together for Friday.
I am obsessed with giving perfect gifts that people will like since as a child my parents never liked my gifts. I need to let go of that obsession and focus on the togetherness of Christmas instead of the material gifts. Several of you pointed that out and you are completely right. It just hurts me so much to see disappointment on someone's face when they open a gift I have given. Several days ago I made an effort and played some board games with my kids. At 14 and 13 they hardly ever ask to do this anymore so I knew I had to take them up on it.
Please know that I am thinking of you all and wishing you well. For those who are struggling a lot, please hang in there with me. It's hard but we can do it.

[xn728]

its ok mich i know exactly what you mean ,kids are very adaptable mich
at that age ,its confusing for them to know what to do ,do you know
ive never told anyone this before ,but when my two girls were young
i think bridget was around 14 ,so shelley would be about 6/7,,,something
made me think that i should not hold or cuddle them ,i thought it was
wrong because they were girls and i was afraid to hug them for fear i would be seen as a pervert ,just came from nowere ,but it was so awful
for us fran didnt understand ,it took a long time to get over but i did ,but
the girls knew daddy was poorly ,and it made them more understanding
and they have become good caring grown ups now ,,im just saying mich your children will understand one day ,and they will help you ,and you will gain strentgh from them your there mother and you can never be anything less
mich ,ok my dear freind as you say we will get through the holiday together ,no matter how bad you feel mich we will be at your side
your pain i feel ,but your warrior i see daily as we do battle together the
beasts are many ,but see how they fall ,goodnight mich hugs ,,,,ken

[lisalou]

You know, i find it really hard to pretend i am looking forward to things when i'm blatantly not either. And i don't think you're being selfish at all, as you say yourself, you're in a really bad place right now and i think it's fair enough that you make your own welfare your top priority. You obviously are trying, you played games with your kids when i'm sure it was the last thing you felt like doing. Your kids will no doubt have a great xmas regardless of whether you exhaust yourself trying to be supermum or not. I think you are doing the best that you can, and the best that you can is all anyone can expect. I hope you manage to go a little easier on yourself and also allow yourself a little more food when you feel comfortable.

[xn728]

on the way to shopping now mich i had to say good morning before we go ,hope your doing ok mich we all are thinking of you mich hang in there
feel the warmth of the forum mich ,,dont forget we are here for you
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hugs ,,,,ken later

[xn728]

another day over mich ,were all still ok i know your not very happy at the moment but the holiday will soon pass ,,thinking of you mich dont feel alone ,,,,,,hugs goodnight mich stay safe
,,,ken

[xn728]

a massive hug for you mich ,,,,,,,,best wishes ken
reach out anytime mich

[shatteredhopes]

I wanted to share a story with you, from the Oprah show of all places. I can't remember whether it was the mom or the daughter who had cancer. Anyway, the kid got to go to disneyland, all kinds of special bigs presents, yadayadayada...Oprah asked the little girl what was the best thing. You know what she said? One night in the middle of the night she and her mom woke up and sat in the kitchen and ate cherrios. It was just one of those little unexpected things, like you playing games with your kids the other day, not disneyland or big gifts, that she treasured.

No matter how perfect the gifts you give are, it will never make up for the shameful way your parents treated you over your thoughtful gestures. Any gift that's not a favorite can be exchanged, and other gifts will will be loved, but regardless, nothing can take the place of having mom home this christmas instead of in the hospital, and taking a couple of hours to play some board games. It is the gifts of the heart, that you are so depressed but sat down and played games with them, that one day they will look back on and know, they have a really loving, good, brave mom.

Let's both try to let go of our perfectionism...nothing is ever perfect and nothing will be so great it will eradicate or pain or past hurts. I'm personally trying tonight to be positive about the future, and daring to think a little bit about how i might change my life. I may spiral xmas eve and xmas when all alone, but I'm really going to try to remain positive. Just get through a minute at a time if that's all i can do. Don't harm myself and don't end up in the hospital and don't drink. Those are the three gifts I can give myself this christmas.

Give yourself the gift, for staying out of the hospital, of eating some kind of christmas treat maybe, or whatever you can do to fight the self harm urges of anorexia and self-mutilation. Maybe instead of tearing at or cutting skin, rub some scented lotion on as christmas treat for yourself? I dunno...just want to see you do something positive. I'm trying so hard to do something positive, to spend christmas eve cleaning my kitchen so i can bake some cookies and take to my friend christmas day. It will distrast me from being alone and not being with my ex like i was last year, i used to enjoy holiday baking, and so, to force myself to see another person on christmas and not isolate in despair, i'm gunna try to bake cookies. Then i get to eat some, too.

Try not to be hard on yourself. Maybe while the gift opening is going on, try not to look at people's faces too much, or distrast yourself in the kitchen preparing christmas dinner while they open gifts, or just tell yourself, presents can be exchanged, but your presence is priceless and irreplaceable.

Much love your way sister...hoping we both have some peace and light in our holidays.

[xn728]

morning mich just wanted to greet you before i went to work good morning ,have to go now hugs ,,,,,,ken

[Mich]

Morning Ken - have a good day at work
Shatteredhopes - thank you so much for your words. They mean so much to me. I am going to try hard...I really am....and am so happy to read that you have a plan to stay safe and even to enjoy the day by baking cookies. I am going to take your advice by distracting myself slightly during the gift opening. I am thinking about you. Mich.

[xn728]

bless you and your family mich ,ive done work now ,and we have a little shopping to get ,then i have housework to do ,frans a little tired ,well be getting turkey ready and stuff ,,just in case im busy later mich
i just want to let you know ill be thinking of you and sending you strength
im feeling ok but it will still be hard i know ,,we all think the world of you mich ,and if we all fight together ,we will prevail ,,
thinking of you mich wonderful big ,HUGS MICH ,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

how you doing mich ,hope your ok ,take care mich
goodnight love and hugs ,,,sister ,,,,ken

[blueisgreen]

Hi Mich and Shattered and everyone,
Just a note to thank you for your posts, support and kind words.
We have to hang on and soon it will be over.
Be strong.

[xn728]

BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY THIS MORNING MICH ,MY THOUGHTS
ARE WITH YOU ,,,HUGS ,,,KEN