Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 11:11 am
I realize I only have one friend I can count on, and I talked to him last night.
In addition to Thanksgiving being the anniversary of a traumatic event, I remembered last year Thanksgiving was the last time I ever saw my father. My mom and I went to his assisted living facility to eat with him. Not long thereafter, I left to spend Christmas and New Year's with my boyfriend. My dad died just before I was scheduled to come back, and I was not able to attend the funeral. I remember my boyfriend getting mad over a stupid little thing, and I had wanted to get some movies at the rental place to watch while the funeral was going on so I wouldn't have to think about it and how upset I was, but my boyfriend was being a jerk and wouldn't go into the rental store so we left. It hurt so much, and I remember calling my friend and talking to him while the funeral was going on because my boyfriend couldn't even be selfless then, during my father's funeral, to put my needs first for a change.
I am feeling resentful at the way he treated me sometimes and angry with myself for not getting out early on before I got in so deep. My life was just at a point that I had practically nothing, so a relationship filled the void, and I loved him. It had been a long, long time since I had loved anyone. I put so much effort into the relationship, and he was soooo selfish and cruel at times. He is very sick, so I put up with a lot and now I know I shouldn't have. Its better to be alone than to be repeatedly mistreated.
I feel so vulnerable and lost now. I have endured so much and it doesn't make me feel better that others have it worse, it makes me feel more hopeless about the world and that the world is a horrible place and some of us suffer so much, and so much of the suffering is so senseless and unnecessary...if only people could just be a little less selfish and little more kind.
I am really struggling right now and I don't know how to stop the waves of tears and extreme sorrow. Thanks for listening (or reading)...
In addition to Thanksgiving being the anniversary of a traumatic event, I remembered last year Thanksgiving was the last time I ever saw my father. My mom and I went to his assisted living facility to eat with him. Not long thereafter, I left to spend Christmas and New Year's with my boyfriend. My dad died just before I was scheduled to come back, and I was not able to attend the funeral. I remember my boyfriend getting mad over a stupid little thing, and I had wanted to get some movies at the rental place to watch while the funeral was going on so I wouldn't have to think about it and how upset I was, but my boyfriend was being a jerk and wouldn't go into the rental store so we left. It hurt so much, and I remember calling my friend and talking to him while the funeral was going on because my boyfriend couldn't even be selfless then, during my father's funeral, to put my needs first for a change.
I am feeling resentful at the way he treated me sometimes and angry with myself for not getting out early on before I got in so deep. My life was just at a point that I had practically nothing, so a relationship filled the void, and I loved him. It had been a long, long time since I had loved anyone. I put so much effort into the relationship, and he was soooo selfish and cruel at times. He is very sick, so I put up with a lot and now I know I shouldn't have. Its better to be alone than to be repeatedly mistreated.
I feel so vulnerable and lost now. I have endured so much and it doesn't make me feel better that others have it worse, it makes me feel more hopeless about the world and that the world is a horrible place and some of us suffer so much, and so much of the suffering is so senseless and unnecessary...if only people could just be a little less selfish and little more kind.
I am really struggling right now and I don't know how to stop the waves of tears and extreme sorrow. Thanks for listening (or reading)...