What is happiness??

[bassoonchick91]

I have been battling depression for most of my life. I didn't want to believe that I was depressed so I ignored it. This past December I wound up in the hospital because of suicidal thoughts. Of course they put me on an anti depressant. I went on with my life (still trying to do more than I was really able to do) and I wound up going back to the hospital this past March. They changed my antidepressant and added an anxiety medicine as well. Also, I have been going to counseling/therapy for over a year now. I can tell that I am getting better because I am not laying in the bed all day and I have a job now. But I am still always extremely sad. Most people always comment on how I am "such a happy person" but I have just learned how to convincingly wear a mask. I always pretend to laugh and smile and act like nothing is wrong and I am tired of that! I want to be happy and have genuine joy but it seems like I will never find that. It seems as if I am not allowed to be happy. How come I am so sad even though I take my medicine like I am supposed to, I go to therapy, and I actually put forth an effort to get better?! I feel as if I am just walking in circles and I will never get to the place I need to go.

[jj]

Hey bassoonchick91,

Check out the film "Prozac Nation". I often refer to some lines from it to give me guidance and to help me feel less alone/lost at times like this.

2 quotes from it that give me some peace of mind, one from the start of the film, one from the end:

Elizabeth: "Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises" when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly." That's how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you're gonna live."

Elizabeth: "If only my life could be more like the movies. I want an angel to sweep down to me like it does to Jimmy Stewart in it's a wonderful life and talk me out of suicide, I've always waited for that one moment of truth to set me free and change my life forever, but he wont come, it doesnt happen that way. All the drugs, all the therapy, fights, anger, guilt, rage, suicidal thoughts, all of that was part of some slow recovery process, the same way i went down i came back up, gradually... and then suddenly."

Try to bear that in mind. I am the same. I feel totally lost and I feel I am getting better yet at the same time sort of feel like I am getting worse. I think it is just part of the long term journey. Life has its ups and its downs, just like depression and its related issues does. The road to recovery is long and bumpy, but we will be better off for it, we've just got to stick it out during this transitional phase when it is all blurry and confusing with no direction. We don't exactly know where we are going, but when we are there, we will know. Like the girl in the film said, gradually, then suddenly.

Keep up the hard work

jj

[bassoonchick91]

I should to check out that movie

[bassoonchick91]

I watched it. I cried and then I was mad. That movie described exactly how I feel. It has similar conversations that I have had. Why am I so mad? Because all I want to do is die. I am scared that I am falling again after I was getting better and now I dont know if I actually am getting better. I feel like im just stuck in some really messed up cycle of suicide, sadness, loneliness, numbness and then anger. In that order. I dont want to go back to the hospital......I dont like the psych ward. I guess I really am as crazy as I think I am...



Depression doesnt just go away like she says it does. She said it just disappears.... no.

[jj]

Yep, its the same for me. It helps me feel less alone in what i am going through though, to actually witness someone going through what i am.
I am the same as you, stuck in this horrible cycle of confusion and not knowing whats going on or where i am going. I think this cycle of suicide sadness loneliness numbness and anger (which i experience too) is part of getting better. They do always say it gets worse before it gets better. I guess we get depressed, and in order to get better we have to fully fight and face all our demons, which means going even deeper than we thought was possible, and to then make it out.
Think of it as a long tunnel, its very dark and we dont know if it is twisting or turning, we dont know when it is going to go up and down. But we do know there is and end to this tunnel. For the time being: it doesnt matter if we see the light at the end of the tunnel or not, as long as we know it is there.
And on embarking on this journey to get better, we have accepted that there is a light, and that there is an end. And we just have to keep travelling the tunnel for this period whilst we get better, and ride it out till we reach the end.

And whilst that happens we have everyone here to help us stay grounded and keep on keeping on even when we dont want to believe that it will get better.

Keep strong

jj

[St8arrow]

I watched it (a movie). I cried and then I was mad. That movie described exactly how I feel. It has similar conversations that I have had. Why am I so mad? Because all I want to do is die. I am scared that I am falling again after I was getting better and now I dont know if I actually am getting better. I feel like im just stuck in some really messed up cycle of suicide, sadness, loneliness, numbness and then anger. In that order. I dont want to go back to the hospital......I dont like the psych ward. I guess I really am as crazy as I think I am...Depression doesnt just go away like she says it does. She said it just disappears.... no.

No bassoonchick91, you are not crazy. What the psychological community at large thinks is mental illness is actually a conglomeration of distorted fears. Each of these fears has the capacity to deflect a person's behavior and if you have a conglomeration of such fears, then the deflection is so severe that some psychiatrist or psychologist tells you that you are mentally ill and puts you on some drug for perhaps as long as you live.

I can't come up with the title of the book from which the following quote comes from. I will look it up and try to enter it into this site later.

"My colleagues (A Doctor and his associates) and I have demonstrated that certain forms of cognitive behavioral therapy have the capacity to change a chemical imbalance into the proper level of chemical balance inside the human mind." This information flies in the face of those who think that mental illness is caused by a genetically inherited chemical imbalance.

Let me give an example.

If I made a fist to display my bicep muscle for a long period of time, the next day I could very well have a bruise on that muscle. Nobody would tell me that my bicep muscle was genetically damaged. They would say that I used the muscle incorrectly.

When your brain activates the chemicals that are involved in fear or stress reactions, a chemical imbalance occurs in your brain. With the proper help, you can overcome your fears and restore the proper chemical balance inside your brain.

Don't give up. Look for a competent cognitive behavioral therapist with a strong sense of empathy for those that he or she is trying to help. Good luck and good skill to you in the future.

[St8arrow]

Hello Bassoonchick91:

Here is the quote that I used in the above submission:


Bio-Psychiatrists have shown that people who are considered to be mentally ill or are suffering from acute stress disorders, do not have enough of the chemical serotonin in their brain metabolism. Prozac and other Selective Serotonin Uptake Inhibitors have the capacity to increase the level of serotonin in the brain.

Although this would appear to validate the biological definition of mental illness, further examination is required. Dr. Michael J. Norden, M.D., has authored an important book called, “Beyond Prozac.” On page 176, the following quotation from Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz appears: --- Psychological treatments clearly produce biological effects on the brain. My colleagues and I have recently shown that, similar to Prozac, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy is capable of correcting abnormalities in the brain metabolic rates of patients with obsessive compulsive behavior.

Giving someone a Selective Serotonin Uptake Inhibitor such as Prozac is similar to giving someone a fish for supper. Giving someone beneficial psychological therapy, which would have to include knowledge about conglomerated fear, is similar to teaching someone how to fish.

I hope this information helps to lift your spirits. I hope I am remembering this right. Are you the one who said that you can't see the tunnel let alone the light at the end of same? Well I hope the words that I have written have made the tunnel visible to you and made the light at the end of the said tunnel as bright as anyone would want to see.

Cheers to you for describing your problems as clearly as you have.

[bassoonchick91]

Thanks St8arrow. I am a psych major and I want to be a counselor some day for teens and young adults like me. I dont know why I keep having these severe ups and downs I guess it was like jj said that you never know which way the tunnel will turn next. But honestly I have started to wonder (and so has my therapist) if I have bi-polar disorder. I am going to try to find someone who will give an MMPI test to see if that is really what is going on. I dont know though. It is so irritating. One minute I will be happy and laughing and the next moment I want to kill myself. One night I even wrote a suicide note.. I didnt do anything but I wrote it. Maybe I'm just over exaggerating and being a drama queen? ... ugh I dont know.

[Destination]

What the psychological community at large thinks is mental illness is actually a conglomeration of distorted fears. Each of these fears has the capacity to deflect a person's behavior and if you have a conglomeration of such fears, then the deflection is so severe that some psychiatrist or psychologist tells you that you are mentally ill and puts you on some drug for perhaps as long as you live.

Hmm, my problem with psychiatrists and society in general, in a nut shell.

I have to agree with Bassonchick, depression doesn't "go away" it just cycles down for a while, which I have to say is something of a relief when it is in low key stage anyway. It is nice to have days where I don't feel so bad.