Him or me? Why do I have to choose?

[St8arrow]

Way to go MrsDerby. That is an excellent poem. Three cheers and a bunch of to you.

[St8arrow]

Klonopin is an anti anxiety med. I am supposed to take 1 at a time every 4 hours as needed. I was taking 4 at a time. All day.

Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Wound up going into the hospital. 5 days.

Did you actually say lie to the psyh dr about my homocidal thoughts??? About the overwhelming need to destroy everything/everyone? Of suicidal thoughts???

From St8arrow

I made that comment because your Doctor didn't seem to know the actual amount of stress that you were under. I suspect that if he was under as much stress as you were at that time, that he might have made an even worse decision than you did.

You are right that it is wrong in almost all cases to lie to your Therapist; but he or she has to make it known to his or her patient that it is acceptable to tell him or her the truth at all times. Throwing a conglomeration of medications at some one without finding out what thoughts are going on in the so-called patients head is a grievous error in my not so humble opinion.

From Mrsderby


Who are you, anyway???


From St8arrow

Just a 74 year old man who has spent most of his life trying to accumulate knowledge about how the human mind functions. To be perfectly honest, it wasn't until I was about 34 that I began to hone in on the above achievement. Prior to that, I thought my main goal was to do something with the mathematical or analytical geometry disciplines that I enjoyed so much.

From Mrsderby

PS, you are correct about one thing. When my husband leaves me, by choice or not, I will die by my own hand or anothers. I will not live without him.

I am sorry to admit this but as I am typing these words I am actually crying. I hope things never come down to that point in your life. But I will tell you this, if it does come down to that, I think you will find that you have more reserves for self-preservation than you are aware of right now. Don't ask me how I know, I can only tell you that by your choice of words during the time we have been communicating with each other, I believe that you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

May God bless you!!

[Mrsderby]

strong has nothing to do with it. He is the only thing that has kept me alive for 7 years now. Without him...

However, he is only 52. We have a long way to go...I hope.

[Mrsderby]

PS. I did end up telling my psych about everything. The voices, the rage, the bad thoughts, everything. We discussed going inpatient. Then he called in my husband (who I DON"T share everything with) and my husband told him I was fine. Dr started me on loxapine that drugged me up too much to act out my feelings but did not stop them. I called him later that day and said my husbands life depended on his doing something. He doubled the dose. I went inpatient the next day on my own.

Was taken off new med but Depakote raised from 250 to 900 mg per day. With everything I am on I am to "tired" in my head to deal with all the medical, mental, and legal issues I have to deal with. Problem is, there is no one you can hire to do tose things for you.

Now is probably a bad time to post. Got less than 1 hour sleep last night and have been busy all day. WAY too tired. Hopefully I will get some sleep tonight and will be able to handle some of this tomorrow.

[St8arrow]

PS. I did end up telling my psych about everything. The voices, the rage, the bad thoughts, everything. We discussed going inpatient. Then he called in my husband (who I DON"T share everything with) and my husband told him I was fine. Dr started me on loxapine that drugged me up too much to act out my feelings but did not stop them. I called him later that day and said my husbands life depended on his doing something. He doubled the dose. I went inpatient the next day on my own.

From St8arrow

Unless you get away from Doctors who continually throw medications at you as if you are a sieve, you will never get a handle on your problems. I know you don't believe that but I believe that it is the truth.

Yesterday I volunteered at a place that tries to help (young) people with mental health related problems. Their name is an anachronism. They call themselves TEACH. That stands for --- Teach --- Empower --- Advocate --- (for) Community (Mental) Health. I believe that they will have greater success than the psychiatric community at large.

From Mrsderby

(I) was taken off new med but Depakote raised from 250 to 900 mg per day. With everything I am on I am to "tired" in my head to deal with all the medical, mental, and legal issues I have to deal with. Problem is, there is no one you can hire to do tose things for you.

Now is probably a bad time to post. Got less than 1 hour sleep last night and have been busy all day. WAY too tired. Hopefully I will get some sleep tonight and will be able to handle some of this tomorrow.

In the book that I just finished reading whose title I cannot recall at this moment, a psychologist saw one of his patients for [b]35 years. That psychologist should have lost his licence to practice immediately. Obviously his concerns were either more centered around his desire to make a lot of money, or he was too incompetent to help his patient. The sad part is that he may have been unaware of his inability to help his patient.

As arrogant as this might sound on my part. I am sick and tired of seeing people taken advantage of or left in a state of uncertainty over long periods of time by a profession whose track record would make a blind man blink. [/b]

[Mrsderby]

I am so sorry. I know you are trying to help but I just don't understand what you are trying to say. Bad nights sleep again and mind still really slow.

Can you try again?

[Mrsderby]

Really manic today. Disorganized thoughts, can't sit still, pannicky, need help but can't ask. Can't talk to hubby, he has enough to deal with. Therapist Friday, Psych Saturday. Will have to deal until then. I am considering self medicating (not drugs, but taking meds outside perscribed reasons) to calm down. Would be a perfect day to spring clean the house but my legs hurt so bad I can barely walk. Over did it yesterday and am supposed to be resting them today.

Called a crisis line, helped some. Actually talked with my mom!!! Helped ALOT. Still manic and such but some of the anxiety is subsiding.

GTG. Can't sit still. Some much to do, so little time.

[St8arrow]

I am so sorry. I know you are trying to help but I just don't understand what you are trying to say. Bad nights sleep again and mind still really slow.

Can you try again?

Certainly.

At this particular time, I think your problems are compounded by a profusion of drugs that are circulating in your system. You need to get off some of, most of, or all of those drugs. I do not know what the side effects are of mixing so many drugs together but I do know that those effects are of a negative nature.[b]

Are you currently seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist? I know that Joseph Glenmullen or Peter R. Breggin, both of them are empathic psychiatrists, could help you but they are near Harvard University for Glenmullen and Cornell University for Breggin.

Please try your best to find such a Doctor. Use the names of the two Doctors listed above as a reference point, when you are empowering yourself to choose another Doctor. Unless you are willing to take my advice in this area, I would be left with a negative attitude about your chances to see a light at the end of the long tunnel of darkness that I think you are staring at inside your mind at this time.

[St8arrow]

From one of my posts above this one.

In the book that I just finished reading whose title I cannot recall at this moment, a psychologist saw one of his patients for [b]35 years.

___________________________

The name of the book is --- Final Analysis. It was written by Catherine Crier. The story about the 35 years of analysis occurs on Page 153. The book tells the true story of the Susan Polk murder trial. That is, she killed her Psychologist husband Felix Polk. How this character kept a license to practice psychology is beyond my ability to comprehend.

_______________________________

[Mrsderby]

Jerry just left me. I won't last the night. Thank you for all your support. Goodbye.

[St8arrow]

From Mrsderby

PS, you are correct about one thing. When my husband leaves me, by choice or not, I will die by my own hand or anothers. I will not live without him.

From St8arrow

I am sorry to admit this but as I am typing these words I am actually crying. I hope things never come down to that point in your life. But I will tell you this, if it does come down to that,

I think you will find that you have more reserves for self-preservation than you are aware of right now.

Don't ask me how I know, I can only tell you that by your choice of words during the time we have been communicating with each other, I believe that you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

May God bless you!![/quote]

This is where my above words in bold will kick in. Give Jerry some time. There is a good chance that he will come back. Even if he doesn't, you owe it to yourself and the rest of your family to fight your way through this. I am counting on you and I am sure that everyone else who is reading these words is praying that your will to live will come to the fore and get you through this extremely trying time in your life.

I believe that I can speak for all of us on this site. Please know that we care about you. We love you.

[Mrsderby]

took 85 10mg Loxapine, tequila and vicoden last night. Still here. Why can't I just die???

[bassoonchick91]

honey, you need to go to the hospital (one with a mental ward). You need help and you need to get it now. Please dont wait! I have never met you but I care about you! I have been to Brookwood hospital in Alabama twice because of suicidal thoughts. It sounds scary and embarrassing but it helps. They CAN help you! I promise! I hope that you are still here. I care about you! please dont end it.

[Destination]

Hello, I haven't spoken up before, because I really don't know if this is appropriate to say. But I suppose I will anyway, I never could keep my mouth shut for long.

I worry when people place their happiness in other people's hands. Like when you said that you cancelled your appointments to get your husband to his and how he acted like you were being a jerk even when you weren't. You bent over backwards for him and he has no consideration for you. Then you say you'd rather die then live without him.

I can't imagine allowing someone that much power over me. It is not my place to say what you should do about him though.

Maybe the reason you are feeling the way you feel is because you bottle it all up? I dunno if I would lie to a psych, I mean if telling the truth meant getting committed for a few days and that my old man would leave me, I'd just be pissed at the old man for not being true to the marriage vows "in sickness and in health".

I mean marriage is supposed to be about compromise, not you give in or he gives in. Instead its supposed to be talking things out til an acceptable agreement is reached.

I'm sorry I can't be more help. I know you will probably not think much of this. But if it does help, you are not alone. There are others out there feeling the way you feel.

[Mrsderby]

Thank you for your response.

I am inpatient...again. Difference is, this time my husband is standing by me. He has even agreed to go to counseling himself. I think I am in the right place and on the right road.

I pray...