Depression and alcohol ruining my life

[Amanda]

I'm a deeply insecure person and live with feeling like I'm not good enough. This has caused me to make many mistakes in my life. I've picked up bad habits along the way in my attempts to cover up my self loathing. Alcohol is chief among these bad habits. When I socialise with friends I start the evening quiet and reserved and find it hard to concentrate on conversations taking place whether it's because I'm distracted by my incessant inner dialogue or because I'm just feeling too much or feeling numb. So I drink. It loosens me up and makes me more 'fun'. It has stopped being fun now though. The alcohol is reacting badly with the antidepressants I'm taking and instead of just loosening me up, I'm getting completely out of control to the point that I don't recognise myself anymore. I have had days where I've woken up and had flash backs of the previous nights revelry and thus begins the endless cycle of hating myself even more and drinking to try to hate myself a little less. I know that if I drink now that this is going to be the outcome of the night, but somehow I can't stop myself from doing it. This past weekend has been particularly bad, and the knot in my stomach is making me ill. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore and when I do all I see is a pathetic, weak, useless individual who can't control her life and stop humiliating herself. I have to stop drinking but I don't trust myself to be able to do it. I don't know what I'm going to do. Everything in my culture revolves around drinking; socialising, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, special events in family members and friends lives. I can't escape alcohol, so how am I going to resist it?

[MidnightGhost]

I would suggest to stop socializing where there is lots of alcohol around, for a while, put yourself FIRST, unless the socializing is one on one, in a peaceful setting with some one sincere who accepts you for you are.

I can't escape alcohol, so how am I going to resist it?

Never think the impossible. Just take it step at a time. Alcohol's enjoyable in short-term, but in the long run, it starts showing how worthless it is, and how many more things are out there in life, that are a million times better. The alcohol makes you think things that aren't even true. Too much alcohol, is ugly, in reality, there is nothing fun or good about it, it's just another way to stop thinking. Change yourself, change your lifestyle, and some day the alcohol can be replaced by much better things. But you can start that process right away, and you will come to admit to yourself, how good and better it feels. Thanking yourself in the long run, is what you will then be doing. Consider your drinking, just a road block.

[Amanda]

Thanks for your reply and for your words of support. I really want to stop drinking so i guess that's a step in the right direction,. I've never wanted to stop before. i never thought of myself as someone who has a problem with alcohol, I mean I don't drink all the time, I'm not someone who has to have a drink to get through the day. However i do turn to alcohol when i'm trying to escape myself, and alcohol is always there. It's the quick route to oblivion. Except it's just making me feel worse now.

I can try and avoid social situations where's there's alcohol, but like i said, it's so much a part of my culture that if I avoid all social situations where there's alcohol I would never see anybody socially. And then that causes a whole new set of problems. i have to try really hard to make sure i see my friends and family because when im feeling particularly bad i tend to isolate myself and become withdrawn.

I've already spent the last two days in my room, so tomorrow i have to make a huge effort to get out of the house and talk to people. Maybe i should just have that embarrassing conversation with my friends about how i cant drink anymore and if they watch out for me too it might make it easier.

Im going to try really hard anyway, because living like this is destroying me. Thanks again for your support i really appreciate being able to get things off my chest and having someone listen.

[MidnightGhost]

No problem, I'm happy to listen. I was a heavy drinker for years, I know how it can be (in my own way, of course). It's easy to have one too many, telling your friends sounds like a good idea. And what you can try to is, when you go out to gatherings, wait until it's the end of the night to drink, when you're tired, but tell yourself you will get to have some beforehand, so that way you won't be bothered by not having none so soon. You will give yourself a drink to look forward too, but by the time you reach it, most of the urge will be gone, and you'll be too sleepy to have a lot.

[Amanda]

I'm sorry to hear u had issues with alcohol yourself. I think it's the worst drug out there because it's so readily available and socially acceptable. It can sneak up on you and get you before you even realise what's happening. Thanks again for your advice, that sounds like a good plan. I'll try that.

[MidnightGhost]

It's more like have, because I'm still recovering. I have down days with it, and when that first use to happen..no one could be near me. Now it's different, all though can't say it's anything good. Anyways, I agree, I never use to think I had a "problem", I finally did when I began going on binges..of waking up and continuing to drink, which changed me entirely into another person. Then I began seeing the negative side to it. Anyways, I wish you all the luck, I know it's hard. They say some times we do not get second chances, I'd say if you have a chance, take advantage of it.