swimming

[pickle]

sorry in advance this is so crazy long,

i am swimming in stress right now. i had such a bad year (depression and anxiety, ptsd, and the obsession part of ocd (thoughts), a sprained ankle, lost my job (in a horrible way) car accident...), but have been doing significantly better. this was a result of several factors. celexa being one of them... administered by a good psych that started me out ultra slow for my sensitive system. My insomnia is gone. i stopped my sleeping medication a few months ago, and rarely need emergency xanax. i am more spacey than i am already naturally(lol...and if you know me you are laughing now...and that means i am in a zombiesque state)...but there is a calm i have been so relieved about. i am so, so grateful for reduced anxiety for sure.

but...6 months later i am sleepy all the time, i have maybe 3 hours of normal energy before i take the pill before bed. no matter how much i sleep...it feels like i haven't slept at all unless i sleep pretty much a whole weekend. i also have gained a lot of weight...which is leading to another round of depression. i crave the weirdest things...in obscene amounts. and then there is the smaller side effects i have gotten used to...so my dr wants me to switch to prozac. i know it can energize people...but it can also cause anxiety and restlessness. the last time i took a med like that i ended up in er. but i also was prescribed too many meds at too high a dose by a stupid dr...not this psych who has been good at thie process so far and i have way more faith in.

so now i am feeling the previous symptoms of anxiety because i am scared. i can't tell my partner i am switching meds because she does not approve of meds at all. and the word prozac will freak her out. so i am alone on this...though i do have a super supportive friend from here who said he would look out for me the whole weekend on messenger.

then to go on for too long...so sorry...

my psych said at my last appointment 3 months ago that he saw me only staying on the med (celexa) for a year, two max. he told me stories of "lifers", as he called them, that never wanted to come off them. i was actually encouraged by this as i prefer not to stay on a pharmaseutical too long...i was open to enough time to really recircuit. he said to use this year to work on calming techniques. (i told my therapist this and he was neutral out of professional consideration, but said it really isn't that easy to just find calming techniques. he is also neutral about if i take meds or don't.)

also, my spouse really wants me off them. she impatiently asked me in july if i am going to stay on medication the rest of my life (she was angry about something else somewhat related) now this week while switching me to prozac, the psych says i shouldn't just deal with sleepiness as i will likely be on a medication long term and can't operate on tiredness for years. i was crushed and confused. i said i thought he saw me on them for 1-2 years...and we are on 6 months now. he said he encourages people to stop but invariably they get the issues again and unless i won the lottery and had loads of staff taking care of every need and i could paint all day i would likely stay on medication indefinitely. (i am unclear why he thinks i want a household staff...i have social anxiety!lol i want to generally be alone!) it felt a touch condescending...but more importantly...confusing.

i just want to cry. i am starting the prozac on saturday but so scared. and after being out of work for 8 months i now have two jobs, 40-45 hours a week...and they are good jobs...i can't have some weird side effect thing happen that interferes with my jobs. i also haven't seen my therapist for two weeks. i called in advance and left a message cancelling one 2 weeks ago and then do what i do best...disappear...so now he is stalking me...and i have an appointment tomorrow and i am stressed about that. blah.

i try to do what is expected of me. work (i have a very high work ethic), partner, therapy, medication, ...but it is never ever enough...and never ever seems to get me anywhere but spinning in stress.