Really pissed off today (relationship trigger?)

[cody56]

{Sorry in advance, I hate separating my writings into paragraphs, so it's going to be one huge paragraph, I'm sorry}

Hey everybody, I haven't been on here in awhile, but my depression is flaring up almost everyday now. I moved into college about 3 weeks ago, and I think it's probably a lot of stress and stuff for the most part. But the part that's really tearing me up is this girl. I met her about 1-2 months before we moved onto campus, and she seemed perfect. We liked the same stuff, we had a lot in common, and we got along (over the internet). This is the thing about me, if I'm talking to someone on MSN or over texts or something I'm a really nice guy and I'm open. But when I'm in person I'm a lot different. I don't like being around people because I get very uncomfortable and paranoid. I feel like everybody's thinking about me, and all the stuff I'm doing wrong. I can feel a million bad thoughts just about ME. I'm not trying to say the world revolves around me or anything, but I feel like I'm just so weird I attract attention that way. Anyways, so we finally moved onto campus. I met Erin for the first time and we were inseparable. For the first whole week we spent nearly every second we were awake with each other. I know this is very unhealthy, but we both seemed fine with it. I loved being with her, she loved being with me. The first night, when she finally left, we had our first quick kiss and my roommate did his little act of "Your first kiss, I'm so proud." (Haha, very funny Adam) As we got to know each other more we kissed more, we got a little more physical, and eventually she began sleeping in my room. I loved it, all except I only have a twin-sized loft. Without even realizing it, we were now with each other all-day AND all-night. This felt perfect because I've never really been in a serious relationship. I don't hold relationships for long, mostly because of my depression. Well the other day I talked to a teacher and I found out that my $4000 music scholarship would only stay at $4000 if I AT LEAST minored in music. The teacher wanted me to major in music so she threw me into like 3 more classes on top of what I already had. This put me at 15 credit hours when a freshman is only allowed 11 max. This stressed me out incredibly and I started locking myself in my room, wrapping myself in my comforter, and crying for hours each night. I finally built up the courage and changed my classes and said I CANNOT do 15 hours of classes. My advisor finally found out and helped me get everything figured out. Anyways, back to Erin, she took my disappearances as a personal offense, like I no longer wanted to be with her. She started hanging out with other guys and she looked so happy. The main thing I've learned about my depression is I put myself so incredibly down I talk myself out of talking to anybody. I got physically sick a few times while I was stressed out and I didn't talk to anybody, but I still went to the mall and stuff with everybody. I think everybody asked me if I was ok, but all I could tell them was that I was fine. I didn't want to bother anybody with my story, so I just kept quiet. Finally Erin asked and I gave her the same answer. She didn't know me well enough to know what my body language means. Anyways, she started into that time of the month, so she was now insulted by my actions AND pissed off at the world. Eventually she got me alone in my room and told me that either I had to give her "more" or we weren't going to work out. I asked her what the meant by "more", but she couldn't give me an answer. She left pissed off, and I just sat and thought about what she had asked of me. I came out with the idea that I was giving her everything I really could at that point, and if that wasn't enough, then we weren't going to work out. So I wrote up my text message saying that I think we should break up. {{Note to all guys who don't know...NEVER BREAK UP WITH A GIRL OVER TEXT OR ANYTHING BESIDES TO HER FACE, I have gotten so much shit for the past week that I don't want to talk to anyone anymore.}} So I've been trying to straighten out my life, but my depression has come back hard, again. My roommate was going out with Erin's best friend up until about two nights ago, so he was no help for the past week. Actually, he was harming me more than helping my situation. But they broke up and now he's somewhat helping, but I don't see much of him. Ok, so, the whole break up was probably a good thing. If she had just gone away and didn't have to see her anymore I'd be fine, but NO! She still lives just down the hall, and now she's going out with one of my best friends here. He's an incredibly nice guy, and she's his first girlfriend. From what I've heard from guys who really know Erin, she did the exact same thing she did to me, to the guy before me, and even to the guy before him. Anybody seeing a pattern??? I'm really afraid she's going to do the same thing to my friend, but nobody else seems to really care if he gets hurt or not. I've become very good friends with this girl named Charlee. She's dating the RA for our floor so I've gotten to be pretty good friends with him too, but I still hate it when I'm just around them and they start kissing and shit (<---beside the point). (Back to my situation) Now I'm having completely mixed feelings about everything. I feel like three people. 1) I'm jealous because Erin's doing the EXACT same thing to my friend that she did to me (same beginning act, I mean). 2) I'm pissed at her because of what she did. And 3) I'm pissed at her because of what she MIGHT do to my friend. Now when people ask me what's wrong I just tell them I either want to hurt someone, even myself (no, I have never cut myself and never will, I think it's stupid), or I want to break something. I also want to make Erin feel as horrible as I do right now. We broke up, but she walks around, under yet another guy's arm, and looks like she's very proud of what she's caused in my life. I want her to hurt as much as I do. (Also, I was just talking to Erin's best friend's roommate (who I'm good friends with) and she said that she heard Erin and Kelsey talking about me, and apparently they said something like "Did you see him in the room yesterday? He's so happy, like everything's ok." Pisses me off actually.)

Anyways, I guess I needed to tell SOMEONE. If you want to to comment, share experiences, or have some advice I'd love to here it. Thanks to anybody who actually read this.

[hey-its-ok]

Hi Cody, i know how you feel. Let me tell you what you can do (this is what i do).

You know, for the sake of simplicity, lets categorise people who makes us angry and fustrated and depressed into two categories, those who are WORTH it and those who are NOT WORTH it.

People who are worth it are maybe our good friends, parents, children, family members, etc etc... for example, if you are a father, and your child is naughty and your child causes you to get angry and sad and depressed and gives you headaches. You child would be someone i'd put in the "worth it" category, so for the welfare of your child, in order to bring him/her up to be a good person, you may have to punish, scold, reprimand etc... and by doing these things you may get yourself upset and angry and depressed... but its worth it, cos its your child.

Then there is the other category of people, those who pisses you off, who has no feelings for you, no intention to benefit you in anyway, doesn't care about you, and if you died, these people wouldn't shed a tear. With these type of people, these are in the NOT WORTH IT category. It is not worth making yourself suffer (by getting depressed, angry etc) for these people. Why should you let these people who are not worth it, cause you so much pain and suffering? Just ignore them and go on with life... they are NOT worth it. If you want to hurt these people so badly, it causes your depression, anguish, discomfort etc etc... the sufferings for you yourself are endless... so is it worth letting these people have such power over your happiness? if you want to give such power(power over your happiness) to people, give it to those who love you and those who are WORTH it, don't give it to those who are NOT worth it... you get what i mean?

What i am trying to tell you is... forget everything, it looks like Erin is not going to come back to you, she has found someone else, its her life, it has nothing to do with you, from your description, i don't think she loves you now... so let it go, get on with your life, and don't let her actions towards others affect your state of mind... who cares if she hugs or kisses other people, whether she kisses a guy or a girl, don't let her have this power to make you so depressed or angry...

About what she MIGHT do to your friend, you can warn your friend, but if he wants to go for it, if he wants the challenge, then let it... its not life and death, and if your friend doesn't have depression, this might just be a quick flirt for him... so don't get so uptight and anxious and pissed off over these things... ok??

Cheer up and don't get pissed off and depressed... and if you want to get depressed, at least get depressed over someone that is worth it
cheers... and all the best!