I'm losing touch with everything

[belial216]

.. like it's being ripped away from me.. I have no interest in anything anymore, I rarely eat, I sleep all day & wake up at 3 in the morning. I abandoned my friends about 4 or 5 years ago & haven't made any new ones [it's not really an issue to me I'm just pointing it out] & I JUST BIT A CHUNK OUT OF MY TONGUE EATING A f****** PRINGLE!!! >.< A f****** PRINGLE!!! Ow.. anyway. ..

It makes me think about what could have been, ya know? A month or two ago, I reconnected with an old friend over facebook [whom I've known literally since preschool] He & I were in much of the same classes through elementary school as we were in the same advanced courses. [Gifted & Talented] We were best friends & equals academically, we got in trouble for goofing around a lot as friends in school usually do, but we also challenged each other. Fourth grade was my last year in the advanced classes because the workload was too taxing on me personally, I guess I was too free-spirited to be treated like a workhorse. We tended to end up in the same schools after that, even though he continued through the advanced coursed & I regular classes.

Talking to him on facebook, I come to learn that he graduated with honors, & is now a marine. I was blown away at how far he'd come & I was overly happy for him as he deserved everything he now has. But, at the same time, a bitterness surfaced.. The kind of 'that should be me!' bitterness you see in the movies when one character passes another & the worse off one feels he was ripped off.

I know deep in my heart that I shouldn't feel this way because my choices brought me here, not him, I guess I was just furious because, here before me stood the image of all I could have been. I haven't even passed ninth grade at this point, I'm enrolled in a program for dropouts currently. Enrolled, but not going, I'm at the point where I don't see an education being crucial to my survival, due to the simple fact that I don't want a future, or a life.

Personally, I feel content with how things are, no friends or responsibility to hinder my self-destruction, but now that I know depression is the root of these feelings I feel robbed. Because, in a way, I'm not making my decisions, this.. illness is. I mean, I don't feel robbed because my life has gone nowhere, I feel robbed because It wasn't me who got myself there.

I had a girlfriend earlier this year, from March until August. I loved her deeper than anything, she was my world. I'd do anything & everything to keep a smile on her face. You don't know how many rare & unreleased songs I stayed up nights on end tracking down for her. lol I've just got to the point where I can delete her pictures that she took for me.

The thing about her is that, I loved her deeper than anything or anyone else on this earth, she made me unbelievably happy, now, my question here is: since I've proven to myself that I can be happy & loved, shouldn't I be looking for these feelings again with someone new?

The main message of this whole passage is that: I really don't understand, when I've seen for myself the happiness & joy it can bring, why I have no ambition to get myself to the happy point, why do I not have ANY motivation or desire, to be as happy as I was with her, or to be as successful as my friend is?

[crystalgaze]

Hope your tongue is doing better!

Hi again Austin! I just wanted to say to you that the world is still yours. Everything you "could" be or could have been, YOU STILL CAN BE!

It is possible to manage depression better. However, I believe that it takes hacking away at it little by little. I don't know if you heard about the story concerning the Chilean miners who were saved? Well, part of the reason the situation turned out well enough is that it was hacked away at--from the drilling of the hole to the actual rescue sequence.

At this point, you have said something that I will now address. You keep saying you don't want a future or a life... but doesn't that seem to be a lie or illusion? Stop telling yourself that because from your posts, it seems to be the opposite of what you have written. That is where I would start if I were in your shoes. When I said stop telling yourself that, what I mean is: try telling yourself something different.

Take care, ok?

[belial216]

You may be right, I might want a future deep down & it's beginning to seep through, if that makes sense.

& I suppose I can try to be more positive & honest with myself.

[crystalgaze]

It's okay! (((((((((((( Austin )))))))))))))))))))) {Those are hugs by the way.}

Hope you are doing okay--even if it's just a little bit, ya? Keep posting!

[belial216]

I figured out the hug system. lol

I guess i'm doing ok, nothing horrible, but, nothing too great either.

[belial216]

Eh, I hate hugs. Well, therapy starts tomorrow, I'm still not too sure why I'm doing it though.. I think I'm just obligated due to so many people telling me I should do it.. who knows?

[Jaymn]

It is ok to feel the bitterness. I did the exact same thing you did. I ended up hanging out with them again and nothing has changed. They are just going on with life so can you. It's natural. Let the feelings motivate you to do what you want in life. That is what I do.
You say education isn't important right now but... it couldn't hurt. It can only help you, motivate you.
IMO you could just try whether or not you feel good. Don't wait...you can get everything back.

[belial216]

Everything is starting to change.. I'm unwillingly changing 'for the better' I'm showing interest in things again & I'm wanting love & friends & to exist.

[Jaymn]

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( belial216 ))))))))))))))))

Wonderful, and remember you have us, so you haven't lost touch with all.

Warmie

[belial216]

Wonderful? Not really... It's a horrible feeling to just wake up one day & suddenly crave everything you've hated your entire life.

[Jaymn]

Let it motivate you... It's a start! If you crave it go get it.

[belial216]

>.< I really don't have a choice...