anyway, theres a social outing planned for sat in the shape of a family birthday. i've tried for a while now to start talking to my outer family, aunties, uncles cousones, that kinda thing, outside my imeediate family. these kind of occassions usually bring me down a lot as i see how cclose the rest of my family are together or i just feel like an outsider or incredibly awkward and that just makes me hate myself cuz i don't understand why i have to feel like that!!! i just hate it! i try so hard and then it just all goes to crap ya know? and then everyone else just goes along and has a nice time or has a boring time but they can just go home and forget about it like normal people but not me. i'll be analysing everything i didi and said and how i looked and what people thought of me? was i actng stupid when i made that jpke> did that person think i was being bitchy cuz i wasnt talking much or did someone else think i was weird for trying to talk to them when i don't know them that well? will they all be talking about how weird i was after i leave? and then i'll go home and just think about what an idiot i am and eat myself into an oblivion. cuz thats what i do. i eat and i eat and i eat until i'm sick nearly but its the only thing that makes me feel calm and good for a little while. that is until i realise that i've put on even more weight and i hate myself for eating so much.
then theres my family. i have two brothers and one sister and my mam and dad. my mam and dad have fought for as long as i can remember, my mam would wind my dad up until he wenrt mad and started screaming back and my dad is scary when he gets angry and the anger from both my mam and dad would nearly always be turned back on us, the kids. i would sit by my bedroom door and listen to their fights waiting for when we would be brought into it and then they'd come looking for us or screaming at us. these were such terrifying moments, i'd be so scared and then i'd hate myself for letting them make me feel that way. for being able to affect me in this way after so many years. and its strange cuz most of the time my father is a great man, he's kind ansd he looks after us. it was only when he got angry that he became irrationaly angry but a lot of that was my mam. she would wind him up so badly that i was often suprised that he never hit her. he didn't. he never has. but they've often hit us. my mam who was home with us, would be the main one but thats usual right? she would do this thing where she'd pinch us with her really long nails and twist the skin while she was doing it so you'd be cut and get a bruise from it. my dad was violent less but when he was it was horrible and evertime he yelled we would be so afraid cuz we knew what it could lead to. he used to throw shoes at us, me in particular, being the oldest i was suppose to be elading by example and be the respnsibe lone but mostly i was a lazy child and i was punnished for it. i guess a big part of it was my fault tho because even though i knew what would happen, is till never cleaned my room or did chores when i was suppose to, not that we ever had specific chores, our house was always (and still is) such a mess that it was depressing thinking of cleaning any one part of it as it would hardly be recognisable. i think i've managed to block out a lot of stuff that happened to me and i'm sure its nothing to compare to whats happened to otehr people. i mean its not like i ever broke any bones at the hands of my parents or got a black eye or big bruises or anything, i guess it was more the fear of something happening was the paralysing tool at their disposal. one time i remember my dad got really angry at something and i tried to run for him but he caught up with me and shoved me face first into the door frame and i got a fat lip. i rememeber all the times that i sat shaking crying in my room hating myself for whatever i had done to bringon my parents rage that time and wondeing what i could do to make my dad calm again. i rememember all the times that he told me that he'd had it with me and that i'd blown my last chance and he didn't care anymore and wanted nothing to do with me. how i used to spend hours in my room, crying, feeling sorry for myself and acting really pathetically until he would forgive me. sometimes it would go on for days where he wouldnt talk to me and i'd feel like shit. i would even try to muffle my crying in my room cuz he used to hate that too, it would only make him angrier. and the thing thats kinda funny too is that me and my siblings were never bad kids, yes we did the usual- not doing what we were told, not doing chores, not doing homework sometimes, not coming when called, and running around when we were out when we knew we shouldnt but in terms of what a bad kid is today i think we were pretty goos. we never drank, smoked, did drugs and we hardly ever went out. never went to clubs or anything like that, trhey always knew where we were. we never went off without telling them or anything like that. even i don't drink now and i'm 21. my brother is 18 and he's started to drink a little bit but its legal like so thats allowed. he would never get drunk or anything like that though.
at the moment my house is kinda peaceful as my mam and dad have not been talking since before the new year which is about nine weeks ago now. they still have meals together and live together but my mam just won't talk to my dad since they had some fight and he yelled at her and make a nasty comment to her. he was provoked and they weree both equally to blame and he apologised but she still won't talk to him. its better thsi way in a lot of ways tho cuz my dad is a lot less stressed which is good cuz he has high blood pressure and has also suffered from depression for years also, something my mam has never fully grasped or doesnt care to. sure when i told her i was on them she barely looked up. we had a fight then about a fortnight later and she said- ah yeah u weren't even gona tell me about them? as if that was the issue at hand??? we had a huge row that night and we haven't talked properly since either and that was three and a half weeks ago now. i don't like to think about it as it just stresses me out and i can never explain all this stuff properly to my counsellor as she doesnt seem to have enough time for me and she never can just let me talk she always has to interrupt me with questions. i just really need to tell someone so much of this stuff so that they can try and understand me and how it is for me and then maybe they can give me some advice or something? i don't really know what i'm looking for really. just someone to listen i guess, to know that theres someone that cares, that is willing to listen and isn't just sick to the death of me going on and on about my crap life and saying how crap everything is and going on and on and on. that makes me angray at myself too, i wana talk about this stuff but i just feel so pathetic like i'm looking for attention and i want everyone to say oh poor her and give me pity. i really don't know what i want tho.
this stuff is what rolls around in my head all day long and i cant shift it. i think sometimes that by teeling someone everything that it will somehow be resolved but i really don't know. i just hate that i carry so much of this crap around with me constantly.
then theres the fact that i'm ridiculously socially awkward esp around guys. i'm constantly worried about what i'm saying and feel like a giant idiot most the time i'm talking to anyone and feel like they think exactly the same. i feel stupid and boring. i'm bad at carrying a conversation. i'm also very aware of the way that i look. i take no pride in my appearance and then hate when i go out and i don't look nice. every other girl out there big or small seems so pretty, they dress nicely and fix their hair and wear makeup but i dont know anything about all that stuff. i havent the first clue about clothes or makeup which is kinda funny since my mam has so much of both. we practically lived in shops when we were growing up, we'd go when she picked us up after school and spend the whole weekeds in shops also as she got hundreds of stuff and she also thought it was ok cuz she never bought expensive stuff and never would spend an extraordinary amount one item.
well that isn't half of what does be going around in my head but i gtg to work now lol thanks for being here forum as a place for me to vent. i'll be back again soon
